Let's Hold On!

Filming for the indie pilot/movie is done, and what a trip it was!

I seriously could not have asked for a better experience for my first time in the film industry.

My contract stated that I will be payed in no later than 30 days from filming, this has me in SUCH high spirits! I mean I love to act more than anything, but to be able to actually get paid to seems so foreign in concept. Now I'm most definitely getting paid $150 for it and, for only two nights of filming, it isn't bad at all. But I'm not sure if they'll count rehearsals as work days. If they do I'll be up $300 dollars instead, which is an even better deal.

It was really surreal when the cast was just hanging around during any free moment during the whole experience, maybe it's because I just about never associate with people outside of my own family: I got so many compliments. I kept getting called "Talented/Pretty/Smart/Cute/Adorable/etc." It was such a strong, steady flow that it really knocked me back.

I know that from an outside view I am some of those things, and sometimes I really do believe I am. Then there are just moments and spans of time that I can't see how a person could actually say a thing like that to me. I feel like there are people more deserving of those titles. I think it stems from when I was always over shadowed by my brothers or peers.

It's like this: I'm good at many things, but I do not believe I excel at anything. If that makes much sense.

Man Who Can't Be Moved

Thursday was a pretty rad day.

I had to go to a job counseling place for orientation at 9AM just to be told a rehearsed script and then making an appointment to actually get help with finding a job, friggin' August 19th. I now am going to have to wait for a pretty much meaningless thing, but I know it will put my parents in a better mood for some time.

Then came the shopping.

Not only did I finally get to use my "Free Undies" coupon at Victoria's Secret, but also the "$10 off Bra" one as well, and scoring a sweet free t-shirt as well.

But the good mood didn't end there: Me and mom went to JC Penney's, where there is always a few nice pieces to add to my wardrobe.
I ended up with the purchase of:
-Size 1 (!!!) skinny jeans (I never could wear REAL skinny jeans in a 1)
-4 undies from the clearance rack (I love when that happens)
-a SUPER adorable PJ set (Which has just the right amount of sexy/cute


I set unrealistic goals.

Constantly.

It's just who I am, I suppose.

So I thought I'd set myself a much more reachable goal for once, 110lbs by August 12th.

~All of that was written Friday, the 29th. I was going to post but I completely forgot.

I finally made a step towards my future, we sent in the admissions form for the esthetician program. I don't feel strongly about that being a career path, but my parents will not let me just take a year off... I think I just feel like this now because I'm a touch depressed, yet also because I don't want to grow up any more. I can only imagine myself in such a nondescript way when I think of the future: I can never see myself past being in my early to mid 20's, I of course will fantasize about having kids and a husband, or being on Broadway, or living in a foreign country. But fantasy is different that actually picturing truly what will happen.

Not much else in my pathetic life.

I went to my first rehearsal Sunday, me and the other two youngest (21 and 19) have a little clique, discussing video games, sci-fi, and the likes. But that's about all on that frontier.

Clark Kent asked me to go to an antique car show at some 1940's style diner on Saturday, I said yes. I don't know why I did, I mean it'd disappoint him if I didn't, but going with him on what he most definitely considers a date seems so bitchy and leading him on in general.

I don't like him romantically at all.

Maybe I want to see what it feels like to have someone's undivided attention.

Or maybe I want to pretend I'm a normal girl and not at all carrying too much baggage for that clueless boy to handle.

He's a nice, rich boy with a promising future, who -For some crazy fucking reason- has a crush on me.

I completely feel like I don't deserve him, not even his one-sided love.

I want to like him for the simple benefit of having someone who would love me so much, but I can't see him like that.

One day, I hope I can feel like I deserve good things. And believe it.

So Many Little Things

My mom is getting more shifty about my eating: Yesterday morning she started a conversation with her saying "SO are you not eating anymore?" in that what's up with you/trying to, but failing, at being eloquent if you can't be subtle tone.

So then I had to play normal teenager and ask her to make me an omelet.

She left.

I binged.

I purged.

She came back at 7, I then passed off some aforementioned binge food as my dinner.

Then we went to a sale at a store (Me being pretty happy about trying on clothes with the fact that I'm an extra-small in Miss/Women and a small in juniors even in the sweatshirt sleeves: being that I have chunky arms), on the way back she kept pushing and pushing getting a drink or ice cream from any fast food place. It was getting to the point of me using a short and strong "No" at every point she talked.

I am relieved that I'll be 18 in 3 months, then I won't have as much forcing from my parents on much (But I bet they'll still be just as anxiety-causing about getting my license/finding what I want to do int the fall for school/get a job if you're going to be a fucking bitch).

Even if they threaten to kick me out (Which I want so badly, just to get the fuck out of here. I just have to save up enough money, or start a relationship with this guy who wants to do the same except he has actual money), I could care less.

But, I do have to be more careful though, I'm still underage for a bit and I would hate to go back to the psych ward or anything like that.

I also have the doctor's this coming Wednesday, any good weighing tips?

I'm already going to put batteries in my bra, wear heavier jewelry, and try to drink 2 bottles of water...

In Our Bedroom After The War

Ew, ballooned up to 120lbs.

Although I know it's really because I go through starve/binge/purge combinations so regularly that it's such a shock to my system to have actual food in it stay. Resulting in me not having a ahem movement until I have an adderall (Which most certainly DOES stimulate me). It's almost all pretty much back up, considering I was 114lbs Thursday, pre-binge.

The ways an eating disorder can ruin one's body.

All in all, I really just need to wait this out, with a bit of self-control here and there.

Today is quite the eventful day for me: I'm going to the movies tonight with my brother, his fiancee (Such a sweetheart, damn I love her, I wish she was my real sibling), and the fiancee's brother to see Bad Teacher (I would much rather see Transformers or X-Men). FB (Fiancee's brother) is 15, so I'm not coming on to him, but I still have a need to dress up cutely. I believe it stems from me never going out/seeing real people, being social outside the confines of the internet is probably the best way to describe it. I'll bring my own drink in my purse, like my mother taught me :), it'll give me an excuse to not get calorie laden soda, and I can just always pass on food like I do when Clark Kent takes me to the movies.

I feel like going out shopping today, might just have to drag my mom out, when she wakes up that is. She and I were talking about going out dress shopping for aforementioned brother's wedding next July. I'm a unofficial bridesmaid (My brother already told me I am one, he just said to act surprised when his girl, Pinkie, asks me), so I'm set, but my mom needs a mother-of-the-groom dress. I suggested that it might be best to get it now, considering that places will have things in the summer palette/cut that will be best next year. The thing about my family is that we never really go to any specialty shops for shopping, we just go to the mall and department stores. The only time I've ever gotten anything fitted or hemmed is when I was in my older middle brother's wedding as a bridesmaid. A show of why I barely ever buy long dresses and how hard it is for me to find pants that don't need to be shortened.

The things one can get accomplished and/or feel like doing on medication before normal people wake up on Saturdays.

Right now I keep distracting myself with the fact that I have to plan out my outfit for the KISS concert I'm going to Tuesday. Then I have the Harry Potter midnight premiere Thursday, which I still have to find someone to go with me! I desperately need someone to go with, seeing that Twirl's away for a month (Family gathering in the South every summer and her dance program in Connecticut), agh gotta find someone...I might have to bribe my cousin.

I must ask this: Have you readers ever heard Stars? They're a pretty rad Canadian band, mainly indie, but with amazing orchestral/techno/rock/musical parts to them. It's really a trip to hear most of it! Try Calendar Girl/Tonight/In Our Bedroom After The War/The Night Starts Here/Your Ex-Lover Is Dead for starters. And if you're going to get an album I suggest Set Yourself On Fire or In Our Bedroom After The War. Seriously, go listen, it's worth it.

International Rock Star

Biggest news in the DAMN WORLD: I'm gonna be in a indie TV pilot/movie! It's even paid, although it isn't much, it's enough for an actual breakout. I'm even going to have my own IMDB page!!!

I'm going to be playing a hippie barrister in a coffee shop, Cheers-type show. It's going to premiere at a film festival in New England- AND OHMIGOSH I'M GOING TO BE A REAL ACTRESS!

Hair

Trying to decide if I want to get a bottom belly button piercing in addition to already having a top one..

Or should i just get my tragus(s) re-pierced (I had to take them out in October when I went to that RTC), I’ve been wanting to do that for awhile as well (I only have enough money for one though).

UGH, I just want to get a new something! New school year soon, either beauty school or Floral Design (Possibly actual college), and I just want some type of thing to differentiate myself from “little girl” me.

Talk You Down

You know you're having a breakdown when your mom buys you a laptop stand and you burst out crying because you don't have room for it... It's just an all over bad day, and this is pissing me off beyond belief/more than it should.

-I have no plans for this year
-I have barely any friends
-My brothers don't want anything to do with me, they never do
-I pretty much am never going to do anything in life
-I really need to get away from my family, they contribute way to much to the toxicity of my disorders
-I just really need to get high

I'm trying with all of my self control not to cut, as it will be so fucking hard to cover up in this weather. At the very least I would like to smash my head/arms again a wall a few times to calm me down enough, but that's kind of hard with my dad in the house.

My mom not being here makes it even more clear how co-dependent I am. I hate that my parents made me like this. I hate it. It's so hard to stand up for myself, even to talk to people on the phone. I get afraid of being anywhere by myself, even places I know.

I really don't get how I'll ever be able to live past 20, at the very least.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Lose Yourself

Besides being so undecided/not caring about some kind of secondary education this year(A sign of BPD), I've been trying to decide if I should just go for something creative, such as floral design or cosmetology.

There's a few catches:
-Just about no GOOD schools for either subject in NH.
-A select few in MA are good.
-The ones in MA are so damn far away, and to do it 6 days a week, driving about an hour or more each way, for over a year, will suck.

So there's my little ditty.

It looks like I'll either have a breakdown from how much time I'll waste doing this

I wish one of you girls knew of a good school near you and were willing to put up with lil' ol' me as a roomie... But that's kind of a pipe dream.

At this point I'm pretty pissed/depressed about the fact I really can't get any kind of education in New England, although I already knew I couldn't make much of a life here.

I binged yesterday, eating:
2 apples with greek yogurt
1 medium Italian sub (my weakness)

I then fell alseep, waking up at 12AM to consume:
I can of Pregresso clam chowder, with around 12 water crackers.
2 pieces of roast beef, 3 broccoli (With sooo much butter on them), 3/4 cup beans and rice, and 8 wedges of potatoes.

I hate how much I fail at losing weight, I already took some uppers to help as a laxative effect and to boost my metabolism.. I have no idea why, when ever I hit 118lbs, I always binge and gain weight again, maybe it's because I think "Hey, you deserve a reward for how thin you got yourself!", then I get so tired after not eating then binging, leading to me sleeping, then it gets out of control.

I weighed myself today, before any stimulant, and I was 126lbs. After I kept running to the bathroom for *ahem* the fact my intestines keep dispelling the results of my binge, I had gotten to 123lbs. So maybe by tomorrow I can be around 122lbs, which would be a godsend in this shitty situation.

Songbird

Now you can see my super chubby arms. I actually was 125lbs (Maybe 124lbs) in this pic, glad to say I've lost, even if it was only a few pounds, I will probably take this down in a few days, because if I ever do become a famous actor, (FAT chance) I would hate for my Pro-ED days to bite me in the ass, probably forcing me to do ED PSAs for the rest of my career.
Haha, finally a picture of me, the hair was glorious until I finally took a shower after the party/sleepover and had to brush out MEGA-knots from the teasing the hairdresser did..

Mich, I did just put in a few blue streaks Thursday, but they faded out in 2 days, now they're like this greyish-black, which actually compliments my hair because I Put it underneath. You can't really see it in any photos though, it just blends in with the shadows off my face onto my lower hair.

Which reminds me, I never did tell you guys the aftermath at Twirl's. One girl, we'll call her Goody, said that Paul Blart date raped her. Now we were all sleeping next to each other on the floor and I remember waking up (I was next to him) to her and him moaning and breathing hard, she was definitely into it. Now I don't want to go victim blaming, I think it's despicable, but there ARE people who lie about being raped for attention. Twirl has told me many incidents where she tries to be "one-of-the-fucked-up-in-crowd", blurting out she goes to a therapist, among other things... And she also said to anyone who would hear her say that she wasn't a virgin, the day after it happened. When she left there was NO signs of trauma, not only that, she made jokes and even exchanged phone numbers. When I first heard her story of waking up with her pants down (She had a klonopin, an addie [Both the lowest dose], which would cancel each other out, and she had tiny sips of vodka), I told her to go to a free clinic, get checked out, and maybe go to some rape survivors meetings. I was as supportive as I could be.

Just around a week or two ago, Twirl calls me to tell me that she isn't allowed to do anything out of the house, can't use her phone (She sneaked it), and is pretty much stuck inside her house until next fall, unless it has to do with dance or something. Goody's parents called her mom to tell her what happened (I kind of get why they would call, but this is just fucking over Twirl's family), and her mom is in fear of losing her job, as she's works at a women's shelter (Or something like that) and could get fired over this kind of stuff.

Then, she tried to change her story to that it happened over another girl's house, when prom was well over. She's also now saying she was drugged, but she was very responsive before we all fell asleep, which was about 2 hours after we finished our vodka and pot/few pills. This means that the drug would have hit her system by then. She never left her cup and I saw her take those two pills, I KNOW they were what they were. Her parents informed the school, they took Twirl out of class to interrogate her. Good thing she knows that they can't do shit if anything happens and it's not on school grounds. She keeps having little slip-ups and adding more things to the story. So, sorry to say, I have to side with Twirl.

Maybe it's because my brother (In the Air Force), who bought everything for this girl to come to Texas with him because she had to get her kid back. Then he get s LOAN out because he has to buy a ticket for her back to see her "dying mother" (Now we know that she went partying with some scumbag friends), my mom then had to drive TWELVE hours to bring her from a friend's house to a hotel. This chick had said, which is one of the MANY reasons she was kicked out of the military, my brother got her pregnant. She told her superior officers and, well, she got caught very easily in her lie. She lied about having cancer, and the "meds" she was taking were (We guess) barbiturates of some type.

So fast forward to a few weeks ago, she had stolen my brother's secret stash of emergency money, and denied it. Then a few days later, my brother comes back to his apartment to see it ransacked, with even his clothes gone. He had jewelry, accumulated over such a long time, and she took his gun. Now she has had so many bouts of suicidal depression and crazed anger, so she was quite a threat. This bitch stole everything of his, my brother managed to track her down (Largely with my mom's help and the fact that the girl is so stupid to post shit on her Facebook), she was out with her friend she was staying with, but the friend's dad gave my brother the TV she took, which was actually her's, but fuck her. we all assume she pawned most of his shit (Some of her "friends" stepped forward, after my mom showed them the evidence of ALL of her lies) to say she would pawn it on the street if she couldn't sell it at a shop. He managed a few days later to catch her at another scumbag's house, and took all of her shit out of her car, even HER clothes.

In her suitcases there were letters from her to her girlfriend and vise verse. She said she was playing him and taking every cent she could get, etc.. Not surprising for a bitch who said her mom was dead/dying so much, told everyone her mom was an addict/whore, she turned her therapist and her grandma against her mother, saying her father (Or as she would say to us her step-father, even though he really was her real dad and her sisters all are related both maternally and paternally to her). Her parents, it turns out, are a very christian conservative family, and she didn't excell the way her sister did so she would go do drugs and get fucked. Her parents finally had enough of her not making any effort to change, so they sent her to her grandma's. Who foolishly believed every lie,

My brother comes home from work the day after to find his gun on his doorstep, where anyone could have stolen it. She had also taken his collector money stash and used it as real cash (Wasting it's value to the nth degree, the stupid whore).

Now, probably two weeks or so ago, she goes to his base commander and tells him my brother raped her. Now what is common knowledge in that particular base, is that if you are accused of rape/similar things, they'll do just about ANYTHING to kick you out.

This girl first made me hate her when she got her kid taken away, back when she was in the military. She told my brother her little girl was taken away because she left her at home alone while she went to go party all night long. Did I mention her kid was 2 at the time? We just recently found out she actually locked her in a room, without ventilation, in the summer, with just a bowl of cereal, and didn't come back for 3 days. She would also have strangers, not to mention strange men and scumbags, babysit her daughter and she could give a shit, as long as she had her own thing. She would cry about how her husband was hiding her kid from her and that the husband had the kid with his trailer park relatives (Her kid's blossoming under the relatives care, seeing as how she could barely talk at 2 because that bitch would never do anything with her, like communicate or play. She also didn't tell us that the reason she never would get her kid back [Which was the whole reason for her coming to live with my brother] was because if she ever showed up for any of the MULTIPLE hearings, that she would have to pay child support, not to mention she would mostly likely be arrested because she embezzled thousands from the military), as he was on active duty in Iraq. She also claimed he would beat her up, but you have to take each thing she says with a grain of salt.

And that is my long winded rant on why I hate girls who lie about being raped, because they just HAVE to have some type of Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Which we realized long ago that my dad has as well..). And they make it harder for justice to be done on the behalf of REAL rape victims.

Clark Kent is still as in love with me as ever, I went to his Grad party, at this beach near his parents' summer condo in Maine. Not joking, I was the most attractive person in the group. His friends are the kind that make geeky jokes and are pretty cool kids, seeing as I don't have to obey high school hierarchy. But here's the kicker.

He asked me out.

Oh my.

He kept stuttering over his words and I just put the blank, curious look on my face, like I didn't know what he was gonna say. He finally spit it out, wording it in a way that was just endearing "I like you, uh, er, um, etc, etc, etc, will you be in a relationship with me, like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I already had steady waves of panic rising in me, but that last utterance just hurt me, because I knew how much it would hurt him. So I thought of the first thing that popped into my head, "I like you too, but we barely know each other, and I need to get to know someone first." Then I twisted the proverbial knife farther in, "That doesn't mean no, it just means I don't really know you yet."

I'm hoping he gives up on this silly endeavor, he's leaving for school in early July. I just don't like him like that, and I know that nice guys everywhere would probably hate me for realizing this and hating the feeling but not being with the kid. Am I supposed to be with him as a pity fuck, to save his feelings? The world is cruel and I feel horrible for instilling more hurt in the long run. I hope he finds a wonderful partner that will love everything he does, and see him for hwo just nice of a person he is. To quote a great song:

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

I think Punk might be in prison, he stopped calling and he won't return my Facebook messages, like he's not on Facebook at all. I have a hunch he's in prison, as I kept getting call's from a weird number, then I picked it u and it was the county prison asking if I would accept the charges, I wouldn't, so I hung up. But I got probably 9 of them of 3 days, so yeah. Prisooon.

There another boy from the GED class that likes me, what is up with me attracting almost 19 year old losers who don't have a license? This other kid is in a screamo band *gag me*, although I listened to one song and there was a part with him singing, and he's got a decent voice. He's at least cute (Punk just is so forgettable because he's so average), but he has gauges, and big ones at that. Now I'm not gonna knock other peoples' things, but I personally do not like them. I think they're something little, awkward white kids get to have more cred and instantly become a bit more interesting. This is just what I've observed in New England.

But this kid is one of those hard core atheist and I got into a discussion with him about how I personally don't care what anybody is, as long as they don't shove it in my face, and that I believe in all paths to god. He said he "completely agreed with me except to say that there is no god". That isn't even the worst hypocrite move, he had his Facebook status about how he woke up early to take out the trash and he sneezed as his neighbor was walking past, the neighbor said "God bless you." He "then proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs that god does not exist. Personal opinion. I think she knows my beliefs now." First things first, that phrase is so watered down that it's just that, a phrase. I HIGHLY doubt anyone these days believes they need to bless you before your soul gets stolen. Second, How can he judge people for even just believing in any kind of god, not even saying shit to him, yet he is on a tier because he is soooo much smarter than anyone who practices any type of religion, seriously, kinda undecided here, trying not to judge people in accordance with my rule of thumb, treat them how you want to be treated, that's why it's so hard for me to be mean to people's faces.

He also takes super stereotypes and makes them him personal opinions, which means he will shove them in your face. Here's a few more examples:
"why is it that girls are either really pretty, or really fucking hideous? Like wheres my in the middle girl?"

Here's the most anger stirring one for me:
Screamo:The pretty girls that all the guys drool over in my opinion are the ugliest.

His-one-smart-friend: And here is something I'm going to argue against....
If the girl is drooled over and is one that hates it because that's how she was born and grew up into.. she has no choice... they can't help what they have become... and if they are the ugliest bcuz of the way they act... not all are the ones that are a bitch/slut. There are the ones that can care about something bsides themselves

Screamo: you know what i mean dude, like sluts who dress up everyday trying to impress the world, that is just not appealing to me, a girl who is pretty and doesnt do all that. thats what you want man.

His-one-smart-friend-that-just-got-idiotic: that is what I agree with, but tonight I've been taking everything wrong.. so I'm sorry for reading it wrong.

Haha, this also makes me think, has he ever fuckin' MET me? He should see me get dressed, fussing over every bulge, take up to 45 minutes to do my make up because I can't afford to be any uglier than I feel like I am.

Now onto weight and food.

After Friday/yesterday's (Yes, I actually went into another day because I kept eating) epic binge lasting over 12 hours and only being able to purge some of it, I was so afraid to look at the scale.

Even though I had been very active yesterday and on my prescribed dose of addies (Which I may have taken at the same time, instead of one then another later…), I didn’t get the chance to use the new, more accurate scale upstairs (My parents’ room is connected to it, too risky), so I get out my old scale, which has been around since the start of my ED, and step on it.

…

…

…

121.4lbs. WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is absolutely, insanely good for just how MUCH I was binging (I weighed all the way up to 125lbs. While. Still. Eating.). And I know that my old scale shows you up to 3lbs more than you actually are, fingers crossed that it’s under 120lbs.

So while my mom is gone, my dad decided to take off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Jeeeeeeezzz. That man is just determined to spend time together. And today happens to be Fathers' Day, so in like an hour or so I have to start making breakfast for him and my brothers, who are coming to take him out golfing super early (They did ask me to come, but it was more out of obligation after I asked why didn't I know about it?). The good point about making breakfast is that I ALWAYS eat when I'm making it, especially since I'm also making bacon. I can say I ate while cooking. Since I made it through a day, I can resist temptation. So they'll be gone before 8AM, meaning I can finally nude sunbathe (I want to put a shaped sticker on my hip to get tan imprint), take a shower, and maybe finally go to fucking sleep.

But I know if I sleep, I will not wake up to make breakfast and I'm so tired of fucking something up because of the fact that I can't sleep like a normal person, like when I don't see my brothers for weeks, because I'm passed out sleeping from staying up a night or two.

I think I might actually be able to get to my first goal weight this week, 115lbs. I would be so greatful for that, but then it would suck going to the doctor's in 5 weeks (To get my refill of my Adderall) and have lost 7-8lbs since they last saw me. I've consistently lost 2-3lbs, to their knowledge because they don't know I try to drink at least one bottle of water before hand, but it's a bit on the undetectable side right now. I still have the excuse that I am not hungry on days when I have the aforementioned drug (Which is a true statement), and it would have more back up, seeing as how she gave me my old ones back, the XRs made me a bit depressed, and she pretty much double the dose, 20mg in the morning, then repeat in the afternoon.

I'll have to fill myself with water and then wear something I can shove batteries and such in to weigh more.

My bra.

I feel so much better unloading this, even if it did take 3 hours to write.

Go The Distance

Being around people my age always triggers binges (Especially full day binges). This is the reason as to why i hate hanging out with people that are my age. I feel like it's so much easier to get out of eating with my family than anyone else.
from 119lbs, Thursday, to 122.5lbs. I know it would have been more if I didn't get really fucked up and play dance games on Wii this morning (Saturday), so thank goodness for crazy, cool k-pins. Although it seems so crazy/hilarious now, how weird I was, playing Micheal Jackson Dance. I not only broke my old scores, I was just so freaking high doing so I'll have to do this today, as it really WAS a great workout.

Failure.

Tomorrow I'm going to fast, which is not at all hard now that I have uppers. But I binged like 2 hours ago and now I NEED to go take a "long" shower AKA purge to my heart's content.

I need to get hair dye, as it's time for my monthly recoloring. I've also been thinking about getting blue streaks under my hair and (If you've seen this newest fashion accessory) that long fishing feather in my hair. It looks super cool, but there's not many places around here that do it, eh I'll see. Then again, they ARE quite hipster.

Don't Stand So Close To Me

I just want to start this out by saying:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME THAT WEIRD BOYS ALWAYS FRIGGIN' LIKE ME?!

I met this kid from my GED program last Thursday (Everyone from the year graduates together), Punk. We talked a bit, because I was talking to another girl about Harry Potter and he joined, then Friday we graduated. He was super into me, kept showing up where ever I was, then asks for my number. He then proceeded to call a bunch that weekend, but I was super busy so I didn't have time to call him back. Then he calls Tuesday and we made plans to hang out Thursday. In this conversation he said "You know, I'm just gonna say it, you're really cute." and ask me out (I said I have to get to know him better before I can decide something like that). Okay then.

We went to the mall to hang out, my mom won't let me go to his house (Even though my brothers could at my age, but whatevs).

Here's a few instances of things that happened:

-The whole time he got increasingly more touchy, holding my shoulder, then my hand, and then my waist. We also kissed/made out a bit, but to me it means absolutely nothing. But when he would initiate the more serious make out (I was fine with the small, few kisses type), I would pull away and tell him about how I don't like to mix very public places and displays of affection, because it weirds me out.

-We saw little kids and smiled at them, saying how cute they were to each other, and saying how we wanted kids (Separately of course, but just in a far off, future kind of way). Then, all of a sudden, he like rubs my stomach and says how I could get pregnant with his kid, I forgot what he said, I said "Uhh, I'm too young.", still rubbing my stomach he's saying "Not yet, not yet."

-He told me that his last two girlfriends were FIFTEEN (He's 19, to show the reason as to why I think that's unsettling)!!!

-I had the feeling he might think we're "something" because he was talking about cheating and stuff. I then told him "I guess we're sort of dating, but we are not going steady." (One thing I hate about teenagers, they can't seem to differentiate between the two, not until you are in your 20's or so do you)

When I woke up today (Friday) at 4PM, I got onto Facebook to find a RELATIONSHIP REQUEST from him! I proceeded to go onto his profile to see he is in a relationship and a few of his friends commented on it, asking who I was, etc.. He then said my full name, instead of just saying something like "This chick I know, Dusty." I had like 3 friend request from friends of his as well. I also saw that he changed his relationship at 6PM Thursday!!! At this point I was just kind of astounded, I also wanted to binge just so I could purge. Mostly I just wanted to purge.

I plug in my phone to charge and see around 7 texts from him from yesterday, containing such words as "Babe","Baby girl", and "Boo".

Say whaaat?

Punk also was in juvie, has a PO, and gets drug tested weekly by said PO. Now I won't judge him for that, as I have met lots of great people who've had that kind of shit. But he told me why he went to juvie was because he fucked up this kid's house, and "If I met the kid, I would do the same, 'cause he just talks shit". I really do not think I would, as I'm not a vengeful person and I think that's pretty dickish.

He's a typical kid from his town (Which is the one next to mine), kinda scummy, lower class, wears baggy clothes, and kinda forgettable. The type that would saddle me down to live in New Hampshire MY WHOLE LIFE, UHH NO THANK YOU.

As a summer kind of guy, I could care less. But he does seem pretty codependent and clingy.

I know I completely have to talk to him to get things straight but I'll wait a little bit, I need a day to process what i should say. I want him to call, if I do i feel like there's too much of an agenda, and that I'd be a bit bitchy.

The thing is, I don't really know him AT ALL and I can't really get a feel for him AS I'VE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR A DAMN WEEK. I just need some fucking advice, where is Judy Blume when I need her?

Other than that tidbit, I have been maintaining a low weight of 119lbs-123lbs this whole week. Yesterday I binged, so I'm at 122lbs, but still great results.

Cooler Than Me

AH, finally had a moment to blog.

So I went on a sorta friend get together/this boy totes FUCKIN' BROUGHT ME ON A GODDAMN DATE. Seriously though, Clark Kent is like the most polite, chivalrous boy ever.

I am so glad that I'm on Adderall XR now, me and him went for lunch (I just want to seem like a normal girl, that there's nothing wrong with me ever), and I could only eat half of the sandwich, four chips, and a bite of the other half.

I'm at 122.5lbs right now, I feel so fucking good about that.

Set Yourself On Fire

My goodness, girls. I have been away for much too long.

I really have no idea why I've been away, I think it's just that I've been too wrapped up in life. Since I quit regular school, any kind of small activity that involves me going out of the house requires so much energy, but it's always been like that. Maybe I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, who knows?

I've finished my GED! It's such great news, but now I'm second guessing pretty much any choice about what to do next year. I'm leaning towards going to school part-time and doing beauty school. Or just go to school and then be a flight attendant after getting a degree in a language (Which means that I could do international flights, instead of staying in the country).

I don't know.

Freaking out over this.

Weight wise: I still keep going to the low 120's then I binge for a few days and get myself back to where I started. I know why (Scientifically and such), but I really have to fucking stop this shit.

Right now I'm at 127-128lbs after a 3 day binge on horrible foods.

Not only this, prom is on Friday, so this is now a time to see how much weight I can lose. That kid who's taking me, Clark Kent, has a serious case of Hover Hand (Look it up, trust me, it's hilarious). He's so super polite and he OPENS doors for me (Which I think is sorta weird, feminism happened but it's a nice gesture). I luckily am just like a geeky little boy, so we talk about Star Trek and all that good stuff. He also definitely seems to come from a rich family, he has a VERY nice car as proof.

Still, our personailties completely clash if you take out books and sci-fi/fantasy as our interests. I'm too quirky, loud, and not a "good girl", as far as drugs and such. And he already invited me to come with him to graduation parties with him, he just HAS to have a crush on me.

I WAS going to wear that Mila Kunis replica dress to prom, but now I can't as it was made in a way that it really can't be altered. So me and my mom went to the mall and got a dress for 30 bucks, pretty great deal, huh? I even got some super cute shoes that have ruffled, fabric flowers on the front. I'll post a picture of me in the whole ensemble, then you can finally see what I actually look like.

After prom I'm sleeping over Twirl's house with 3 other girls and this boy whom I used to be pretty good friends with in 7th grade (He left the school, and middle school is kinda a hard place to keep friendships), we'll just call him Paul Blart. I'm semi in charge of providing some pills, as we all have to bring some things.

Anyways, I need to go and get caught up on everyone's blog and exercise the hell out of myself for tomorrow.

Maybe This Time

Didn't dye eggs (I completely could have but I feel so horrible and I put my mom down for not having the dye kit we got, then I just couldn't go back and apologize), I feel like talking my feelings out more.

I think I'm having a reaction to these Adderall, after I take them they only work for about 1-2 hours (Which I know means I need my dosage adjusted), but afterwards I feel so absolutely numb and-not sad- but like breathing or getting out of bed is too much effort, almost depressed. It doesn't feel like a withdrawal, but like the stimulants were the only thing keeping me above the water, they definitely make me more socialble. I feel right on the edge of crying, seriously need to watch a sad movie or something right now to help it along.

This definitely sounds like I might have to get a new med if this depression (Which is one of the side effects, especially in people with some mood disorders) doesn't go away.

Damn, I'm really hoping for Vyvanse. This shit was CRAZY good. It worked for HOURS and never decrease over time on how effective it was, but that might have to do with the fact that the chick gave me 70mg ones.

Shock To The System

I looked through those papers more and found that (This was in 9th grade) I was diagnosed with:
Bipolar I (hich makes no sense as one of the BIG MUSTS is that you have delusions/hallucinations)- It would make more sense to have Type II or Rapid Cycling
Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia
OCD
ADHD
r/o EDNOS (WTF does r/o mean?)

This was before the hospital, where I was then diagnosed with Borderline (I know a lot of people with it and I really am not like them, but I could just have a mild case).

And in that report I found that my mom totally did find my thinspo journal (I know I'm not the only one who puts thinspo quotes/pictures in a book), I'm just shocked that she never confronts me about like anything... Must be how I got my passive-agressive non-confrontational attitude.

Right now I'm at 125.5lbs, thanks to a stupid Chinese binge last night.

There's open auditions for The Winter's Tale a few towns over, I think I might try out, seeing as you don't even need a monologue, just a cold reading. I'm brushing up on my Shakespeare this weekend, the audition is Monday.

OH! I forgot to tell you girls I got my prom dress, if anyone saw the Oscars' this year, I'm getting a rip-off one of Mila Kunis' purple one.

SOrry to make this short, I've got to dye eggs for tomorrow.

Animal

Yesterday I finally went to a new doctor. I haven't had one in a few months, seeing as my last one kicked me out for never coming to appointments, it's okay though she was a total bitch. This new doctor is a hollistic one, so no vaccines for me! My family all has super adverse reactions to vaccines (One, brother went deaf in one ear, one had seizures and became developmentally delayed [resulting in mild autism], and I had horrible ear aches, vomit, and run high fevers.

We also had to bring my medical records with me, that were mailed from my old doctors' office to us. My mom told me I could take out anything I wanted to and I immediately took out about half of it that either mentioned: Drugs, drug testing, general craziness, or my ED. Although I did leave a paper or two that said I'm Bipolar type 1 (Which makes no sense to me, as to have that I need to have delusions, hallucinations, and/or psychosis, none of which I've ever suffered from, I believe I'm actually type 2) that they diagnosed in 5th grade.

I believe I came off as a precocious, articulate, and friendly girl. I love this new doc because of the simple fact she listens to me and lets me bounce ideas off as to why this-or-that could be. I told her about my anxiety and ADHD, how I can deal with days when I'm not at school/outside and how I work myself in a manic state because of how anxious I can get...

This bitch is now the owner of Klonopin and Adderall prescriptions.

Effing amazing is all I can say.

I also talked with Twirl today about dance, we both are going to quit. The director keeps changing the choreography every week, and there's only around 5 more preactices or so. I just can't deal with the ever changing/not stable shit, especially since I'm mediocore at dance.

Dangerous Game

You could most definitely say I had a total moment of teen angst... So I took up Mich-styled drawing to express myself to my mom.

And change her wallpaper to this.

Ha.

Ha.

...Ha.

I have to say my drawing skills with a mouse have improved, especially since I can not navigate on my mom's Windows 7 (I use classic Windows, as I don't need nothin' fancy [I did find Paint after the fact]) I did find an awesome paint site though.

I just can not take the fact that my mom always tells me to stand up for myself, when she can't do the same.I would be able to just ignore her stupid talk, if it wasn't for the fact that she constantly has to complain about how others act all the time and "What she'd do in their/my position" when she won't do a fucking thing about her own life.

I had managed to get from 129-130lbs on Wednesday to 126lbs by Friday. Never under estimated the power on a girl on half a ritalin, 5 sudafeds, and 4 midol. I realize this will most likely reck my liver, and the rest of my body, in the long run. I simply don't care much anymore, especially since I've been this "hardcore" (Ugh I hate that term) since I was 12. Well that's what happens when you take your first Oxy in 6th grade, what a wild child I was/am.

Live fast, die hard.

Oh jeez, there's me sounding like a stupid bitch.

I also worked out while watching the first season of Kyle XY and Just One of The Boys.

Too bad I just threw it away last night, binging on cereal, chinese, a sandwich, fruit, yogurt, an omelet, and toast.

Disgusting.

All I can hope for is that I fast today, then my metabolism will jump start from the fasting and binging, so that I'll be back to 126lbs by Monday.

Misery

This is what I binge on. The Cookies n' Cream bunny I ate all today, as a B&P type thing. The cake is something that I got from my GED place, they run a foodbank there, and when they get too much of the same thing they need to throw it away or give it to someone, so they give the GED kids bags of food then. I took it home with some other things and just snuck it up to my room to have as my secret shame.

My goodness, I love to eat like a fat kid.

Don't ya'll just love my Disney Princess pillowcase? I also have a Hogwarts crest one as well.

Tomorrow I have school, which is now a reduced day, seeing as all I have to do now is just my math practice test and then take writing and math for real. Then Friday I have to go in (Even though I no longer have any classes to be done on Friday because the teacher wants me to go in to see this woman from the Art Institute come and talk.

I kinda don't want to be done, because then what the fuck else am I going to do with my time until like June? Once a week dance rehearsal. I really need a job which, when I finish my GED and get back teh results (Probably around 3 weeks), I can start applying for some actual good ones.

One thing the head woman for the modelling school said was that we need to expand our photo portfolio, and there are so many photography student on craigslist looking for models in exchange for the photos they take. My mom says that they're going to take naked photos and rape me (Seriously). I know craigslist has a lot of crazy shit going on, but the point is, one of my parents will drive me, and they definitely have to stay on set (Just like they do in profession shoots), so what's the big fucking deal?

Also, tomorrow is the day the kids are going to some grocery store to go and do a project of having ten minutes and a ten dollar budget to create a healthy meal. The head woman asked me to go, and I of course hate saying no to people, didn't disagree, but didn't agree either. I don't want to go at all because of this fact. I could care less about making a healthy meal, seeing as I either won't eat or eat anything I can get my hands on.

Then there's the fact that my mom has to babysit my niece tomorrow, as she does just about EVERY FUCKING DAY. This gets me so angry that my brother's wife pawns her kid on my mom, and by proxy myself, so she can go and work. And guess what? She only works so she can have money to spend, it's not even out of necessity. Then she and my brother complain how they have no money, yet my brother just bought a motorcycle and an electric scooter, and his wife goes out every week with her friends drinking and getting her nails done. They are also DEFINITELY on their way to becoming alcoholics, so imagine how much money they spend on booze. On top of this, they never give my mom a single cent, even though she feeds the kid. My mom also has to take out my old baby clothes (I was the only girl) and put them on the kid because my brother's wife can't even pack clothes for her for the day, then she take our toys and MY baby clothes (Whihc I want for MY kid) and doesn't give them back. She also has the nerve to say "Boohoo I can't do clutter, I can't even wash my own clothes because of all of the clutter in my basement". God, can she just admit she's a lazy little whore?

My mom wants to go see my grandma tomorrow because she's really sick and is being very much so abused by my crazy aunt who lives with her (And swe can't get her kicked out of my grandma's house, because the fucking legal system blows). The only thing is, my brother's wife is working tomorrow and can't find another babysitter (Of course she can't, because my mom is the only one who's willing to bend over backwards to do anything for her, even her sisters won't do shit unless there's something for them involved). We've also had to miss important doctors' appointments because of this bitch. If I complain about it in front of my brother he just says "Well it's not your house!", uh yes it actually is. Seeing as I'm underage I can't legally go anywhere else to live. It's not like I can just walk to the store (We live in the boonies), or even drive anywhere (I need more driving hours to go and take my driving test, but no one will practice with me). I am at the point where I am so stressed whenever I see the baby that I flip out/cry/get tension headaches because I am so tired of how this is.

The Point of It All

Something absolutely amazing happened.

I made it.

Out of 400+ girls they took 60, I was one of them.

In June, I'll be going to a showcase (Where you can win prizes/scholarships to go on to do a bigger showcase) where there will be 20+ agents and managers from the Boston area, New York, Los Angeles, and Europe. This also includes Broadway and modelling representatives.

I might be able to actually make my dream a reality, without having to give it up because I want to be realistic and pessimistic.

Oh my god, girls.

I have to really, REALLY commit to getting skinny. And lose my red hair, as they said it was too much. I'll miss that so much, but I've been thinking of it for some time.

More importantly, I can show my talent for singing, or if I want, dancing.

I just can't believe it.

White Houses

I've actually found an actress that I sorta look like, if anyone has seen the US version of Being Human, I look a tad like Rebecca. At the beginning of the season, when her hair was WAY red and she had a bit more bold bangs (I happen to have both of). Although she has more of a sharp, angular face. I inherited the flat, roundish face from my Polish ancestry (For some reason, I always get asked if I'm part asian. It makes sense when you see the bone structure resemblance between eastern europeans and asians). My face is mostly heart-shaped, but with chubbyish cheeks, kind of Reenee Zielweiger, except without the whole scrunch face (Think a bit more Pre-Raphaelite).

Well tomorrow is a day for anxiety: I have a commercial casting call.

I've been taking uppers (Which hopefully-yeah right-My mom won't notice are missing. This is all in the hopes to help me lose a pound or 2, so I don't look so horrible. I have to make up and memorize a 15 second commercial as well. I, of course, have not started yet. I'm thinking of maybe saying a PSA, as they are pretty straight forward, and I can sneak in some dramtic acting there. But I'm afraid I won't have enough range in it. Oh god, I am so nervous. Any ideas??

I also am going to prom again this year with Twirl. She REALLY wants me to go with this one kid, since he's a senior and wants a date so badly. I remember him from when I went to the middle school thhere and he was Dicken, when I was Colin, in the Secret Garden musical. He's a bit proper, old fashioned, if you will. He's a bit quirky, doesn't have many guy friends, and not any girls who see him in "that way". Twirl said that he asked one of his friends to prom (She's a pretty, nice girl. At this school there's not much popularity, yet there are those who are persued) and she turned him down. Twirl will owe me big time if I do decide to go with him, especially since she requested me to make his night awesome and just give him a quick peck. That's no problem for me, hell I just *like* kissing people, BUT I'm afraid this could be leading him on.

Perks to going with him:
He dresses Clark Kentish (Just like 50's in general), so I could finally have the chance to get a swing prom dress.
He'd probably be a hell of a lot more mature than, for example, Russe The Booty Caller (Who still keeps booty calling me, and I hate it, but at the same time I have absolutely no self esteem and he really loves to compliment me).

This is all if Twirl can't get some cute boy, one of her friends or her little love interest/prom date's friends. She already wants us (Her, Clark Kent, and myself) to have a get together, I'm still holding out for a hottie.

I feel so juvenile writing that, but I feel that your teen years are a time to let yourself be self-centered and narcisisstic. It's the time where looks are a hell of a lot more important and where nothing is certain. And sure, I've done quite a bit of risky, decidedly more *adult* things. But I've really never had a relationship. I had a boyfriend for a week in 8th grade. then I've had two girlfriends around that time as well, but they were more like "best-friends-with-benefits-let's-fool-around-with-anyone-else-we-want". There have been bites at my proverbial fishing line, but they're guys, that frankly, are not in my league, and not even intellectual. What I mean by not in my league, is that I may not be THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, I don't think I am boarish.

I have my disordered mind, which makes me very critical and think I'm super ugly, etc...

Then there's my normal perspective, I can definitely say I'm pretty, I have an hourglass figure, nice sized boobs (I like it when they're big and small, they're still good either way), and a Kim Kardashian-type ass.

That doesn't mean that I think I'm the hottest chick in the world, but I can realize that in the real world I'm probably a 7-8ish, more towards a 7 though.

The guys who usually persue me are around the 5-7 range. While some might have a small thing in common with me (A love of Star Trek and other really geeky things), there's not much else there. They always get enamoured with me because I'm nice, quirky, and just different from most girls. Then there tends to be some kind of tension because they think this makes me instantly in their range and "OMG-YOU-TEASE-WHY-ARE-YOU-SO-STUCK-UP" tends to occur. I'm not trying to make myself seem amazing or anything, this is seriously just what happens. I tend to have more in common, and an easier time fitting in, with kids a bit higher on the social ladder. The thing is, I usually am more of a one night stand with them. I feel there would be more better/variety of people when I get out of New England, or at least the more redneck/country part.

I really need to apply to more than just community colleges so I can get the fuck out.

Putting It Together

I've just been having a hectic week, suffering from blogger withdrawals. You see, when I don't go on here, I don't keep myself on track, which means I binge like a rabid dog.

Yesterday I noticed we got a HUGE jug of fat-free milk (My mom absolutely loathes fat-free, my dad is always on a "diet", called being-a-fat-ass-yet-pretending-to-diet). I have always wanted to try the infamous milk diet, now here comes a time to put it into effect.

This Time

I've been dreading having to report to you girls how I've been doing.

Let's recap:
Saturday things were looking up, I was 121lbs and went to Twirl's house, which lead to one of her friends driving us to Soul Sister's.
Resulting in us smoking pot.
I was doing so fucking well, then SS dad brought Pizza and FRIES! Like WTF FRIES AND PIZZA?!

I also found out SS is 115lbs, so definite thing to shoot for. She and I have always been just about the same height and I've always been super jealous of how skinny she is. Fear not though, since being on birth control she got so much fatter (But still at a healthy weight, seeing as she used to be 98lbs).

Sunday I just felt horrible with how bad I was at dancing.

This whole week has just been me stuffing my face as much as possible and not purging.

Leading me to weigh in at 126.8lbs.

What am I doing to myself?

I did some damage control 2 hours ago, so hopefully no more eating tonight.

I also just seemed to realize that I have just about no friends, justa few that I see every few weeks-months. How the fuck do you make friends??? I seriously seem to suck at that skill, seeing as I have virtually none. But like where do normal teenagers meet friends when they really don't get out. I know that most find there's in high school, but seeing as I don't go, I'm at a loss.

Fools Like Me

I have been having a horrible week.

Not only having I been binging like SUCH a fat ass, but I've ballooned up from 121lbs on monday to 124.4lbs.

Disgusting.

Tomorrow is my niece's birthday and my sister-in-law's mom invited just about EVERYONE from their family, even though they only have room for maybe 13 people. We aren't even having anyone from our extended family, AND there's already 23 people coming now.

I'm also sleeping over Twirl's house after, so then the next day we can go to rehearsal together. I'm just hoping I'm not 125lbs by sunday, because taht's what I was back whenI auditioned. I'm hoping for 122-123lbs by then.

Ordinary Day

'Tis a sad day when you have to choose between:

1. Two beautiful dresses, a sweater, and thick, black leggings.

2. A crazy cool Harry Potter necklaces at FAO Schwarz (Mich, OMG, I still wish I was at an acceptable age to buy the toys at FAO Scwarz. That place gets me every time.)

3. Drugs.

I unfortunately choose the clothes, BUT still have 35 dollars left over. Still have no connections for drugs though. It's times like these where I hate not having my liscense and not being able to just sneak over to Soul Sister's house. I really want to go up to one of the countless druggies in my GED class but I have such anxiety about talking to people.

I need some drugs! With this sunday being my first rehearsal for the ballet, drugs are a must. Have you ever tried ballet without drugs? it blows, it fucking sucks. Downers are great to aid in not caring about what the dance teacher/other dancers might think. They make me dance for me, without the added pressure, and they also are great for being able to take criticism and not cry. Then I also have SATs coming up in May and I need uppers for that to help study and stay up (Because when I'm anxious I can't sleep, then I end up crashing) without being exhausted.

To make things even worse I have to do a college little intro seminar thingy for my ASL major. Now this makes me so GODDAMN axious because of the fact I'll have no one to cling to (Such as a friend or my parents). I have to do this on my own to establish that I am going into college (No more parents calling teachers/principals), and have to start being independent. My parents don't seem to get how cripplingly scary it is and how it makes me want to just have a breakdown.

And if things can get even worse, I ate like a pig this weekend. I'm having my last ritalin to help boost my metabolism and keep me active today. I'm hoping that all of that walking pays off. How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying was AH-MAZING! Daniel Radcliffe put on an American accent and was just so adorable, AND definitely is a Triple Threat (For those who don't do theatre, a Triple Threat means that the person can dance, sing, and act).

Right now I should be writing this essay that should have been done around 2 weeks ago, I can't get started on it. Writing is so hard for me if it's a forced topic, especially essays. As soon as I can get going though, I really do sound quite smart at it.

Just listening to Vanessa Carlton on repeat (My childhood), and avoiding a weigh-in until I get home from class.

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

I did 2 of my GED tests yesterday (Social Studies and Reading), knocking them out of the way. Then I call up my mom to tell her I finished, because those tests were supposed to be around 2 hours together and I did it in one.

She went home, even after me EXPLICITLY saying that it would be super easy and take me a fraction of the time, those are my best subjects after all. Never the less, I had to wait for 30 minutes for her to pick me up. BUT then we went to Newbury Comics after, my dad said he was going to get me a cd the other day and forgot. I fucking love Newbury Comics for their awesome discount used cds, especially with how many musicals they have. As an added bonus I found a Rush cd I have been looking for (Rush is amazing, period.) and the Jersey Boys soundtrack.

Afterwards we went to the dollar store. Which means awesome temporary tattoos and candy galore all for a dollar each. I ended up getting 3 different boxes of candies just for when I binge and green peeps, which I didn't know existed. When I got home I slept, so yes, it was a great fasting day.

I still haven't eaten today, but I happen to have some cognac, with which I am contemplating getting drunk off of. When even I do drink I lose weight super easily, it really does seem to be the best way for me, besides uppers that is.

I weighed in this morning at 121lbs.

Ladies, hold the applause.

This is the skinniest I've been in months, AT LEAST since early spring I'd say. I have on a shirt right now that up until recently made me look like I had a fleah tire around my middle underneath.

An update on our New York vaction this weekend:

My dad took forever to book a hotel so the only one we could get was the Hilton, yesssssss. He was going to get a shitty 2 star one as well. Me and my mom have already been bouncing off ideas as to where we should go, the following:

Macys'

FAO Schwarz

East Village (We have always wanted to go there, but have never had the time whenever we go to New York)

Any suggestions as to where else?

Shoud've Said No

OHMYFUCKINGOD.

I hate the fact that I can smell anything that people cook from my room. I have no clue as to what it is but it smells like home fries perhaps? All I know is I weighed myself at around 3am and I was 122.6lbs, and I am so damn hungry from fasting, AND DON'T EAT.

122.6

Don't eat.

122.6

Don't binge.

And of course some kind of meat must be cooking as well, seeing as how my dad is home and always fucking needs meat. But NOOOO he doesn't want anything processed.. Then he shouldn't fucking eat cheese and cookies. And while I'm on this subject, he always need to talk about how he needs to lose weight or ask if we notice how "thin he is". Just last week he was saying how the family needs to go on a diet, now if there is one thing I hate hearing it is my parents saying "We all need to diet". I'M NOT THE ONE WITH AN OBESE BMI, I ACTUALLY HAVE MINE IN A NORMAL RANGE. It makes me get so fucking defensive, because they NEVER do anything about it (Like stop buying shitty binge foods, or my mom who eating all through the day "grazing", which is supposed to be BAD for your health). What makes me mad is they never follow through with these diets, just mention them once, piss me off, and forget about them. Then they go back to their disgustingly greasy bags of potato chips.

I go through phases where I can accept my curves, and even like them to a certain degree, but then they just have to get me down about them. I'm always thinking about my weight in the back of my head, but the feminist in me allows me to deal with my body.

Now do you girls see why I never have the motivation to follow through with things? More importantly, why I have an eating disorder?

If You See Kay

All I can say is I am so fat.

I keep hovering at 124.2-4lbs and it is annoying the shit out of me. I cracked out my last ritalin that I took from my mom, in an effort to fast, since it's a slow release (GOD DAMN I HATE THOSE). I then was cutting it up to snort it and I found out that the coating on it (That makes it slow release) just peels off with some careful movements of a razorblade.

I widdled it off.

Like a pioneer.

Now I'm full of energy, and more importantly NOT hungry.

Oh! I forgot to tell you girls awhile ago that my mom is leaving in June for a week to go to Texas to help my brother out with some stuff (It's originally school stuff, but knowing how shitty it is living with his girlfriend, she's going to help with that too). I really have to make sure that my dad does NOT take off work because the whole week will be miserable, and we would have to do everything he wants to. If he doesn't take off work, I'll be able to have friends over and shit without any kind of parental intervention.

Then I could even have them over night and just have them stay in my room. Seriously my dad comes home and asks how I'm doing fromt he hallway then goes to his room. He also falls asleep super fast.

I HAVE to have my liscense by this time, because I might be getting a job at SuperCuts as a receptionist and I'll need a way to get there. See, my youngest brother's fiancee is a receptionist at another one, but they transferred her to the one I'm applying for, and now the chick quit at her first one so she's going back. But now she can put in a good word for me to work there. So I am REALLY hoping to get a job there, I need to get out of this house and socialize more. Because it exhausts me to even go to GED classes 3x a week, imagine what college will be like next year.

I am now second guessing about what I want my major to be in college now, I was going for a double major in ASL and theater, now I kinda want to do psychology instead of ASL. I think I'd be quite good at it, I know a lot about the inner workings, I'm empathetic and compassionate, and I'm not judgemental about these things. At the same time, I love languages and it'd be so cool to be a translator. See, my plan was to go to this college, get my Associates' in both theater and ASL (They have a lot of the same basic classes), then transfer to a 4 year university to pursue theater, while using my ASL tranlating on the side as a way to earn money. Then I'd always have a fall back if I didn't do well in theater. Theater would also help tremendously with ASL as it involves lots of facial expressions and body language.

Ah, I just don't know.

We Don't Need Another Hero

Yesterday me and my mother had a super awesome conversation where we were just talking about the mental disorders in our family. It started with just her and me discussing how my father is completely histrionic and has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then we talked about how two of my brothers have really fucked up girls and that these women are both so jealous of the fact they had a nurturing mother growing up. They are both stuck in a childish mindset because the missed out on such important nurturing times in their lives (Because their families both really sucked).

Anyways I learned a lot of things talking with her today:

My dad's mom also cheated all the time, just like his dad did (Although his dad would bring the women back home and pay my dad off to not tell).

My dad would beat up my brothers when they were young ( I always suspected this, since when I was young he would choke my oldest brother and he did smack me around a few times. Not hard enough to bruise and never anywhere visible).

Me and my mom both think that my dad and his mom had a Oedipus/Jocasta complex, and we suspect her brother (My dad's mom's) and their mom had one too.

Apparently my Grandma (Dad's mom) had a thing for men in uniform, they were her choice prey.

Dad's family has alcoholics stemming back quite a few generations, so his alcoholism is genetically inclined.

Dad also was sexually active before the age of 12.

He would also get girls drunk, take them somewhere to have sex, and then leave them. He also gangbanged girls with his friends, I wouldn't be suprised now to find out he raped girls whom he didn't have to lower their ability to consent with substances.

My mom also told me that she was 4 months pregnant with my oldest brother when they got married. I was suspicious of this when I was like 12-13 but she denied it, I'm the first one of her kids that she's flat out told. She had to get married to my dad because it was either get married to him or move back with her parents, which would have been like Flowers in The Attic (We both thought this and said it at the same time).

Her parents were also very uncontrollably violent.

I finally mentioned about how I think my brothers resent me because of the fact dad mellowed out for me, did stuff with me, bought me stuff, spoiled me, etc.. And there's the fact that when I was little my two oldest brothers were my father figures. My dad was just unconnected and everything was about him, he never dealt with us, unless it was to yell and hit. So my brothers definitely helped raise me. I think they hate that I took away some of their time to be kids and that now at the age they were when they were raising me, I have lots of things they don't.

Well that was quite a lot of things to digest, but I think this has ultimately brought me and my mom closer.

In other news, my dad hasn't told my mom I took the pills, he's just pretending it hasn't happened, but the pills are hidden. I walked in his room the other day and saw he had a lock box filled with bottles and he was taking out some. He is very much so a hypochondriac, but even more so he has a VERY VERY addictive personality, and drugs himself up often. It's such a double standard, that I can't have drugs (My parents regulate them for me when they are prescribed), yet they can make up shit, get pills, and GIVE them to eachotehr and other people (Like when my mom will offer a ritalin to my sister in law because she can't focus).

I am also the proud owner of a 122.8lbs weight. Yes, I'm still disgustingly fat, but atleast I'm losing.

Under Pressure

Down to 124lbs today. I think it's in lew of the fact that I had vitamins today. Starting on a whole regime of biotin, kelp, and b-complex. Biotin and kelp both happen to be for metabolism, and it really seems to work. Because I never loose more than .8lbs a day, and I lost 1lb weighing myself before my scheduled weigh in time.

Now onto really fuckin' crappy news, my dad came back from the hospital (He had a minor surgery yesterday).. He had Oxy and Valium, so I took a few, thinking he wouldn't notice.. He did. So I gave him back them, but he noticed that I had a few more, I denied it. The thing is though that I did have 1 more valium and Oxy, but I snorted them already.

He's saying I can't do the ballet any more. And Twirl told me that she got in, she was just called instead.

I just feel so ridiculous and stupid.

I Can Do Better Than That

I had a really shitty friday and didn't purge which got me into a binge-binge-wait-too-long-purge cycle that finally broke today. By purging quicker. After eating Taco Bell.

I am 125lbs after this.

But do you want to know what put me in even worse of a mood, thta made me feel like SUCH A COMPLETE DOUCHE?!

I got an email today from the director of the Midsummer Night's Dream ballet. I got in. I called Twirl because I thought "Hey, I haven't been in dance for over a fuckin' year, Twirl MUST have gotten in, seeing as she's AMAZING in dance.." She hasn't gotten a fuckin' email. I can't believe this shit. I BLOWED, I might have had great presentation and smiled, but she got the moves much better. I was the one who fucked up big time. I was the fattest chick in there. She was the one with the mucsles and the stick-thiness.

I just feel like a big dickhead for calling her and thinking that she got in too, but like if ya'll saw her dance, you'd assume so too.

And to top all of this off, I cut on my arms. Luckily enough though I have until March 6th for them to fade a bit, boy do I feel like this is going to turn into a total shit show.

Need You Now

Been hitting a weight plateau of 124lbs, keep on fucking hovering. We all know what that means:
No binging/purging
Restricting but having to keep food in my stomach (one thing that is so hard)

We had a reproductive health class today, let me just say no even jokingly, I keep on wowing them majorly because of how smart I am (Higher level than everyone else, and more amazing as I've never even passed 9th grade). So yeah, me just pretty much being crazy smart. Then we started talking about consent/rape and WOAH there was only 4 of us today and one of the nice boys was JUST SO GREAT about it. Like he completely blew me away and made a bro for life because of how vehemently he was about consent. I would have totally started turning the flirt on (Nothing gets me going like a guy who shows feminist tendencies, or who likes Harry Potter). Turns out he's got a girl, and he knocked her up. So we were discussing about how he needs to go to a clinic with her, prenatal vitamins, blah, blah, blah...

Bummer.

Well today one of the women who work there made these 2 big peach tart things, and no one else ate them, so I felt really bad. Ate a small bit, now I'm hoping this will help my plateau. I'd safely estimate that piece to be around 300 cals (Probably less, but one can never be too sure), not ideal, but nothing else for me now.

OH! I am now 5'2"!!! Pretty fucking exciting, especially since I wore tights and floral shorts today and I looked very much pre-dropping-out-of-ballet. I am now the proud owner of a 22.9 BMI.

Nothing else is really new, no news about the ballet thing... I have such a feeling I didn't get in.

The Coolest Girl

This chicka weighed in at 125lbs last night, how fucking great is that? Especially witht he fact I had so much stress this weekend with the Vagina Monologues (Which went fabulous by the way, and we raised over $6,000 for charity!). Then I went to Twirl's house after it on saturday.

We tried out for a ballet company's production of Midsummer Night's Dream, even though I haven't done dance in about a year. I think I did just about as well as the others on demi-pointe (Since I haven't done pointe in so long I just stuck to demi like Twirl). I definitely had the best presentation while waiting to show off my MAD SKILLZ at dance... I really hope I get in though, because if I do I'm going to go back into dance. I just have a feeling that I won't get in because they'll say that I haven't been keeping up with dance, blah blah blah, so I can't come in, even though I did pretty damn well.

I've been fitting into old skinnier clothes, like my size 3 skirt and dark green skinny jeans. Also my shorts are fitting too! Anyways, I best be bouncing, to worry about casting and weight on my own.

Edit: Just weighed myself 15 minutes after writing this and girls, I'm 124.4lbs!!!! Like seriously WTF?! I can't believe that even with the fact I had a chocolate milkshake and chicken sandwich at Wendys' on saturday. But damn, I haven't been this skinny since at least early to mid-summer.

Mr. Blue Sky

So last night I finally broke my 3 day fast.

Binged like a true fat kid.

Luckily I purged, and I am now 126lbs even! I have some exciting news as well:
I fit into some of my awesome dark green skinny jeans (They're a size 1 but fit like a 3ish). Of course I still have quite a bit of muffin top but FUCK I COULD BUTTON THEM. Anyways, I just had a zip up hoodie over it to mask the spillage and it looked great! I was so damn happy going to Good Enough school today (GED=Good Enough Diploma, haha). We also got to leave early, due to snow.

To make today even better I wrote an essay by myself! Now this is a very hard thing for me, because specific topics are very hard. While I can comprehend and think it up, it is VERY hard to put words to paper. I felt pretty accomplished. Then I came home and finished the rest of my social studies so I can take the pretest for that, AND did a bit of language arts as well. Best yet, rehearsal was cancelled tonight, so no driving for a long while!

I've just been sitting in my room, listening to my awesome playlist of songs that I just love, and gave myself a little treat for being so great (A vicodin and half a gabapentin).

I did drink the other half of this huge gatorade I was working on since sunday, but fuck it, it was only 100 cals. Then I chugged quite a bit of a Powerade zero (The strawberry seriously tastes like jello when it's still liquid). Now I temporarily have no desire to eat, which is great because I was SO hungry for some toast with jam.

I really prefer not eat, because I can not control myself after the first bite, that's why I suck at restricting. So for now I'm doing liquid calories and a binge and purge session here and there to quench my maddening appetite.

Right now I feel really just all over great (It is noted that I had an *extra* boost).

I noticed that if I lose about 2-3lbs more I will finally be able to go back to bing a C-cup. Finding a 34C is much nicer than scouring the stores for a 34D, the hardest fucxking size in the world to find!

Better Than Revenge

I know I know, I keep saying I'll start the ABC diet, but shit just keeps coming up. Wherein I HAVE to keep up appearances.
This weekend though was great, my fucking disease ridden niece came over thursday (Why can't my dumb-as-shit sister-in-law just NOT lie about her kid being sick???) and by saturday our WHOLE family is in bed with a horrible stomach bug. Now this has made it possible for me to not eat for the whole weekend. I finally passed my weight plateau of 127lbs, I feel so great.
This morning I was making a fake bowl of cereal because my mom wasn't around and I wanted to show her I ate. It's strange how easily it is to get back into my super restrictive period again.

Getaways Turned Holidays

Yesterday I said I was going to start the ABC diet, I didn't.

I fasted like a champ.

And it was very hard, especially with the fact I got offered cookies twice at practice (I have such a paranoia of people assuming/knowing I have an ED). But I was teeming with energy from the drugs. When we got home my mom completely forgot that I hadn't eaten, so I went unpstairs and crashed.

I still haven't eaten yet, it's almost 7pm, and my Dad is going off to a town meeting thing (He's part of the budget commitee), and my mom is off getting my glasses fixed after MONTHS of not being able to wear them. Seriously I've been wearing a pair I have from 2 years ago because no one would get and/or bring me to get the lense replaced. This morning I thought I had lost them so I complained, since I haven't had any new ones from this back-up pair since 7th grade. So my mom is FINALLY at the mall doing it for me. But I just found my old ones and feel guilty for having her get them, then I think I SHOULD have had them months ago!

Now the only thing is, should I break my fast or should I just keep on it until tomorrow?

The second day of a fast is when I am ALWAYS the most hungry. I would just love to binge right now, it is so hard to break the habit of binging, which leads to purging.

In other news, the stimulants, combined with the fasting, put me at 127lbs today, sucess!

There's two cute boys in my GED class and it makes me even more obsessive about my weight. One, we'll call Blue, is very much a kid your parents wouldn't want you to date, he's a probationee and dresses very much in that stupid gangster style that annoys the shit out of me. But we do talk a lot about movies (He's the only one in our class who has also seen Mad Max) and is just generally fun to converse with. he's also the one I have the largest possibility of being with. Then there's this really cute boy who is only in on Thursday, math day, because he just needs to pass that test and another one. We'll say he's Farm Boy, he is my least likely, but he's SO cute.

All I Ever Wanted

I had a complete revelation this morning at 4am, not sleeping of course. I realized that the only time I really ever got so fucking skinny was when I was restricting, only purging the bare essentials. Even then it was maybe a few times a week. Definitely no what I've been doing for just about FOREVER.

Here's a play by play:
1. Not eat until around 4pm-9pmish (When ever it is that my family will make me eat)
2. Have my meal or two of the day
3. Keep binging until around 1am, take a shower and purge then

No wonder I don't lose weight and keep gaining and losing the same 4lbs!

The thing is, it is just about impossible for me to eat a normal meal without binging. So now I've decided to go on the ABC diet, after reading all of the rave reviews.

I am determined right now, buzzing with energy after consuming 2 ritalins and 2 midols. I really do hope I can manage it.

These are the rules:
1. Workout on one Wii dance game (I dance until I sweat like crazy on those, I love to dance) at least 3 times a week, with a minimum of 30 minutes.
2. Avoid binge situations at all costs!!!!
3. RECORD RECORD RECORD calories in AND out!
4. Motivate with thinspo books, blogs, movies, pictures, and music AT LEAST once a day
5. Commit to blogging about my ED again, everyone else finds time, I can too

What's really pushing me is that at the end of February my parents and me are going to New York, to see How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying (AKA Daniel Radcliffe's newest starring role!), and I really want to look nice, I'm aiming for 115lbs, so 34 days... This is gonna be tough.

I am just so tired I being fat and dumpy, trying on all my clothes to find out what will look the least hideous. Of having these horrible size 7 pants in my drawers, right next to my old size 0 (So fucking shameful). I miss the days when I would put on a size 3 and have a fat day, now I live in skirts and leggings because then I can put size 7 in the back of my mind.

Sometimes I really don't mind being curvy. I have a natural hourglass shape, complete with very big boobs, 34D, thanks to the gain. But then I just think I wish I could be a bit thinner, just the regular weight for my height even, I'd be beautiful. I don't want to be stickish like most ED girls, I actually LIKE my curves, I just want to be small.

I really gained the weight when I quite ballet, I used to hover at 115lbs, now I maintain at 130lbs or so.

I am disgusted to even admit that.

I just spent quite a bit of time writing out every calorie allowance of the day until March on a pocket calendar, with a list of safe foods and ways to aid in weight loss.

Today I have Vagina Monologues rehearsal, it's almost time for our show. It's so hypocitical of me, to be a feminist then go and throw up my guts superficially.

You Haven't Seen the Last of Me

Soul Sister wants me to spend the night at her house Friday, my mother isn't so keen on the idea. She thinks Soul Sister is going to give me drugs, and she's a bad influence, blah blah blah... IF I WASN'T SO GODDAMN FUCKED UP FROM MY MOTHER, IF MAYBE WHEN I FIRST STARTED CUTTING BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIND OF ATTENTION, YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.

Instead, she just says how much of a fuck up I am and never takes any credit for the fact she helped me along to be like this. I was the youngest kid, a girl none the less, over shadowed by my brothers who always needed help in school, who had fights, one used to go to the psych ward a lot. Then there was me, the quiet little daughter who always wanted to please, yet seemed to fuck up at every oppourtunity.

Then I found out about cutting in 4th grade, the fucking thrill of it, the thought of how I COULD get attention, could get my parents to not treat me like one of my brothers.. Next in 7th grade, a girl I was friends with mentioned how she had to lose weight before the weekend because she was meeting a boy she liked. Something just clicked in me. I had already tried this out a bit in 6th grade, threw up a few times, no much else.

But this time it was different. I had already been binge eating for awhile, covering all of my feelings, my loneliness, with food. Gaining pound after pound, going from a size 2 to a 4.

Shortly after was April vacation, The day before I had to go back I ate a box of chocolates, I felt so sick, I went upstairs and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was a revolution. In that week I lost 5lbs, I had never felt so powerful.

I first had tried drugs (My first was Oxy), in 6th grade, it just went on from there, they helped me dull my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. No one pushed me onto them, I took my first pills from my father. I didn't do it to fit in, I wanted to feel better. I never once became addicted, there was always precautions I set up, putting days between my uses.

All of this caused me to definitly become the problem child, the one my parents spent the most time on. Being the daghter also made me the one they want to restrict the most, not letting me be over peoples' house unless there's a parent, much less a boy's.

Now All I want to do is go over Soul Sister's, trade my downers for her uppers, and try H for the first time. I want to mostly go there for downers, to get my weight down again, but I've always wanted to try H. Get it off my bucket list at the least.

I'm just so tired of my parents putting rules and regulations on me, when they're the ones who fly off the handle, who PUSH me to just want to die. Just waiting until October, I'll be 18 and hopefully in college. The GED people want me to be pulled out of the main group and get me through it faster, I'm too precocious for the other kids I guess.

All I'm hoping for is that my mother will back the fuck off and just let me go to SS's.