Songbird

Now you can see my super chubby arms. I actually was 125lbs (Maybe 124lbs) in this pic, glad to say I've lost, even if it was only a few pounds, I will probably take this down in a few days, because if I ever do become a famous actor, (FAT chance) I would hate for my Pro-ED days to bite me in the ass, probably forcing me to do ED PSAs for the rest of my career.
Haha, finally a picture of me, the hair was glorious until I finally took a shower after the party/sleepover and had to brush out MEGA-knots from the teasing the hairdresser did..

Mich, I did just put in a few blue streaks Thursday, but they faded out in 2 days, now they're like this greyish-black, which actually compliments my hair because I Put it underneath. You can't really see it in any photos though, it just blends in with the shadows off my face onto my lower hair.

Which reminds me, I never did tell you guys the aftermath at Twirl's. One girl, we'll call her Goody, said that Paul Blart date raped her. Now we were all sleeping next to each other on the floor and I remember waking up (I was next to him) to her and him moaning and breathing hard, she was definitely into it. Now I don't want to go victim blaming, I think it's despicable, but there ARE people who lie about being raped for attention. Twirl has told me many incidents where she tries to be "one-of-the-fucked-up-in-crowd", blurting out she goes to a therapist, among other things... And she also said to anyone who would hear her say that she wasn't a virgin, the day after it happened. When she left there was NO signs of trauma, not only that, she made jokes and even exchanged phone numbers. When I first heard her story of waking up with her pants down (She had a klonopin, an addie [Both the lowest dose], which would cancel each other out, and she had tiny sips of vodka), I told her to go to a free clinic, get checked out, and maybe go to some rape survivors meetings. I was as supportive as I could be.

Just around a week or two ago, Twirl calls me to tell me that she isn't allowed to do anything out of the house, can't use her phone (She sneaked it), and is pretty much stuck inside her house until next fall, unless it has to do with dance or something. Goody's parents called her mom to tell her what happened (I kind of get why they would call, but this is just fucking over Twirl's family), and her mom is in fear of losing her job, as she's works at a women's shelter (Or something like that) and could get fired over this kind of stuff.

Then, she tried to change her story to that it happened over another girl's house, when prom was well over. She's also now saying she was drugged, but she was very responsive before we all fell asleep, which was about 2 hours after we finished our vodka and pot/few pills. This means that the drug would have hit her system by then. She never left her cup and I saw her take those two pills, I KNOW they were what they were. Her parents informed the school, they took Twirl out of class to interrogate her. Good thing she knows that they can't do shit if anything happens and it's not on school grounds. She keeps having little slip-ups and adding more things to the story. So, sorry to say, I have to side with Twirl.

Maybe it's because my brother (In the Air Force), who bought everything for this girl to come to Texas with him because she had to get her kid back. Then he get s LOAN out because he has to buy a ticket for her back to see her "dying mother" (Now we know that she went partying with some scumbag friends), my mom then had to drive TWELVE hours to bring her from a friend's house to a hotel. This chick had said, which is one of the MANY reasons she was kicked out of the military, my brother got her pregnant. She told her superior officers and, well, she got caught very easily in her lie. She lied about having cancer, and the "meds" she was taking were (We guess) barbiturates of some type.

So fast forward to a few weeks ago, she had stolen my brother's secret stash of emergency money, and denied it. Then a few days later, my brother comes back to his apartment to see it ransacked, with even his clothes gone. He had jewelry, accumulated over such a long time, and she took his gun. Now she has had so many bouts of suicidal depression and crazed anger, so she was quite a threat. This bitch stole everything of his, my brother managed to track her down (Largely with my mom's help and the fact that the girl is so stupid to post shit on her Facebook), she was out with her friend she was staying with, but the friend's dad gave my brother the TV she took, which was actually her's, but fuck her. we all assume she pawned most of his shit (Some of her "friends" stepped forward, after my mom showed them the evidence of ALL of her lies) to say she would pawn it on the street if she couldn't sell it at a shop. He managed a few days later to catch her at another scumbag's house, and took all of her shit out of her car, even HER clothes.

In her suitcases there were letters from her to her girlfriend and vise verse. She said she was playing him and taking every cent she could get, etc.. Not surprising for a bitch who said her mom was dead/dying so much, told everyone her mom was an addict/whore, she turned her therapist and her grandma against her mother, saying her father (Or as she would say to us her step-father, even though he really was her real dad and her sisters all are related both maternally and paternally to her). Her parents, it turns out, are a very christian conservative family, and she didn't excell the way her sister did so she would go do drugs and get fucked. Her parents finally had enough of her not making any effort to change, so they sent her to her grandma's. Who foolishly believed every lie,

My brother comes home from work the day after to find his gun on his doorstep, where anyone could have stolen it. She had also taken his collector money stash and used it as real cash (Wasting it's value to the nth degree, the stupid whore).

Now, probably two weeks or so ago, she goes to his base commander and tells him my brother raped her. Now what is common knowledge in that particular base, is that if you are accused of rape/similar things, they'll do just about ANYTHING to kick you out.

This girl first made me hate her when she got her kid taken away, back when she was in the military. She told my brother her little girl was taken away because she left her at home alone while she went to go party all night long. Did I mention her kid was 2 at the time? We just recently found out she actually locked her in a room, without ventilation, in the summer, with just a bowl of cereal, and didn't come back for 3 days. She would also have strangers, not to mention strange men and scumbags, babysit her daughter and she could give a shit, as long as she had her own thing. She would cry about how her husband was hiding her kid from her and that the husband had the kid with his trailer park relatives (Her kid's blossoming under the relatives care, seeing as how she could barely talk at 2 because that bitch would never do anything with her, like communicate or play. She also didn't tell us that the reason she never would get her kid back [Which was the whole reason for her coming to live with my brother] was because if she ever showed up for any of the MULTIPLE hearings, that she would have to pay child support, not to mention she would mostly likely be arrested because she embezzled thousands from the military), as he was on active duty in Iraq. She also claimed he would beat her up, but you have to take each thing she says with a grain of salt.

And that is my long winded rant on why I hate girls who lie about being raped, because they just HAVE to have some type of Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Which we realized long ago that my dad has as well..). And they make it harder for justice to be done on the behalf of REAL rape victims.

Clark Kent is still as in love with me as ever, I went to his Grad party, at this beach near his parents' summer condo in Maine. Not joking, I was the most attractive person in the group. His friends are the kind that make geeky jokes and are pretty cool kids, seeing as I don't have to obey high school hierarchy. But here's the kicker.

He asked me out.

Oh my.

He kept stuttering over his words and I just put the blank, curious look on my face, like I didn't know what he was gonna say. He finally spit it out, wording it in a way that was just endearing "I like you, uh, er, um, etc, etc, etc, will you be in a relationship with me, like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I already had steady waves of panic rising in me, but that last utterance just hurt me, because I knew how much it would hurt him. So I thought of the first thing that popped into my head, "I like you too, but we barely know each other, and I need to get to know someone first." Then I twisted the proverbial knife farther in, "That doesn't mean no, it just means I don't really know you yet."

I'm hoping he gives up on this silly endeavor, he's leaving for school in early July. I just don't like him like that, and I know that nice guys everywhere would probably hate me for realizing this and hating the feeling but not being with the kid. Am I supposed to be with him as a pity fuck, to save his feelings? The world is cruel and I feel horrible for instilling more hurt in the long run. I hope he finds a wonderful partner that will love everything he does, and see him for hwo just nice of a person he is. To quote a great song:

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

I think Punk might be in prison, he stopped calling and he won't return my Facebook messages, like he's not on Facebook at all. I have a hunch he's in prison, as I kept getting call's from a weird number, then I picked it u and it was the county prison asking if I would accept the charges, I wouldn't, so I hung up. But I got probably 9 of them of 3 days, so yeah. Prisooon.

There another boy from the GED class that likes me, what is up with me attracting almost 19 year old losers who don't have a license? This other kid is in a screamo band *gag me*, although I listened to one song and there was a part with him singing, and he's got a decent voice. He's at least cute (Punk just is so forgettable because he's so average), but he has gauges, and big ones at that. Now I'm not gonna knock other peoples' things, but I personally do not like them. I think they're something little, awkward white kids get to have more cred and instantly become a bit more interesting. This is just what I've observed in New England.

But this kid is one of those hard core atheist and I got into a discussion with him about how I personally don't care what anybody is, as long as they don't shove it in my face, and that I believe in all paths to god. He said he "completely agreed with me except to say that there is no god". That isn't even the worst hypocrite move, he had his Facebook status about how he woke up early to take out the trash and he sneezed as his neighbor was walking past, the neighbor said "God bless you." He "then proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs that god does not exist. Personal opinion. I think she knows my beliefs now." First things first, that phrase is so watered down that it's just that, a phrase. I HIGHLY doubt anyone these days believes they need to bless you before your soul gets stolen. Second, How can he judge people for even just believing in any kind of god, not even saying shit to him, yet he is on a tier because he is soooo much smarter than anyone who practices any type of religion, seriously, kinda undecided here, trying not to judge people in accordance with my rule of thumb, treat them how you want to be treated, that's why it's so hard for me to be mean to people's faces.

He also takes super stereotypes and makes them him personal opinions, which means he will shove them in your face. Here's a few more examples:
"why is it that girls are either really pretty, or really fucking hideous? Like wheres my in the middle girl?"

Here's the most anger stirring one for me:
Screamo:The pretty girls that all the guys drool over in my opinion are the ugliest.

His-one-smart-friend: And here is something I'm going to argue against....
If the girl is drooled over and is one that hates it because that's how she was born and grew up into.. she has no choice... they can't help what they have become... and if they are the ugliest bcuz of the way they act... not all are the ones that are a bitch/slut. There are the ones that can care about something bsides themselves

Screamo: you know what i mean dude, like sluts who dress up everyday trying to impress the world, that is just not appealing to me, a girl who is pretty and doesnt do all that. thats what you want man.

His-one-smart-friend-that-just-got-idiotic: that is what I agree with, but tonight I've been taking everything wrong.. so I'm sorry for reading it wrong.

Haha, this also makes me think, has he ever fuckin' MET me? He should see me get dressed, fussing over every bulge, take up to 45 minutes to do my make up because I can't afford to be any uglier than I feel like I am.

Now onto weight and food.

After Friday/yesterday's (Yes, I actually went into another day because I kept eating) epic binge lasting over 12 hours and only being able to purge some of it, I was so afraid to look at the scale.

Even though I had been very active yesterday and on my prescribed dose of addies (Which I may have taken at the same time, instead of one then another later…), I didn’t get the chance to use the new, more accurate scale upstairs (My parents’ room is connected to it, too risky), so I get out my old scale, which has been around since the start of my ED, and step on it.

…

…

…

121.4lbs. WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is absolutely, insanely good for just how MUCH I was binging (I weighed all the way up to 125lbs. While. Still. Eating.). And I know that my old scale shows you up to 3lbs more than you actually are, fingers crossed that it’s under 120lbs.

So while my mom is gone, my dad decided to take off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Jeeeeeeezzz. That man is just determined to spend time together. And today happens to be Fathers' Day, so in like an hour or so I have to start making breakfast for him and my brothers, who are coming to take him out golfing super early (They did ask me to come, but it was more out of obligation after I asked why didn't I know about it?). The good point about making breakfast is that I ALWAYS eat when I'm making it, especially since I'm also making bacon. I can say I ate while cooking. Since I made it through a day, I can resist temptation. So they'll be gone before 8AM, meaning I can finally nude sunbathe (I want to put a shaped sticker on my hip to get tan imprint), take a shower, and maybe finally go to fucking sleep.

But I know if I sleep, I will not wake up to make breakfast and I'm so tired of fucking something up because of the fact that I can't sleep like a normal person, like when I don't see my brothers for weeks, because I'm passed out sleeping from staying up a night or two.

I think I might actually be able to get to my first goal weight this week, 115lbs. I would be so greatful for that, but then it would suck going to the doctor's in 5 weeks (To get my refill of my Adderall) and have lost 7-8lbs since they last saw me. I've consistently lost 2-3lbs, to their knowledge because they don't know I try to drink at least one bottle of water before hand, but it's a bit on the undetectable side right now. I still have the excuse that I am not hungry on days when I have the aforementioned drug (Which is a true statement), and it would have more back up, seeing as how she gave me my old ones back, the XRs made me a bit depressed, and she pretty much double the dose, 20mg in the morning, then repeat in the afternoon.

I'll have to fill myself with water and then wear something I can shove batteries and such in to weigh more.

My bra.

I feel so much better unloading this, even if it did take 3 hours to write.