I actually went to school today, it was that or the truant officer comes to my house, and the one in our town is a total dick.
In ED news, I did pretty good, I fasted most of the day and I just ate (I'm gonna go purge in a bit, even though I am so tired and about to collapse). I still can't bare to weigh myself as it will just ruin my day abso-fucking-lutely.
I tried to talk to Skinny today, she barely even talked to me and then rushed away to do something. I caught Stuck-Up and Lipstick's eyes but they just gave me a look and didn't say anything at all. I finally told my mother on the way home that I have just about no friends and that I'm miserable because of it. She didn't understand how devasting it is to be 16 and just be a back-up friend.
I'm trying my hardest not to cut, but it also has to do with the fact that I can't find my little tin with my blades in it. So instead, I've just been getting high as possible, it's a good thing.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Crazy Times
I am so disgusted with myself, I've had 2 binges in the past 2 days that I couldn't purge after words. What is wrong with me? Am I really just this stupid fat girl? I know I am though... But FUCK! I atleast didn't eat all the day leading up to the binges, so I'm not a total fucking cow.
I've also been having such trouble with my depression, all I do is stay home from school, today was the first day of midterms and I just can't drag myself to actually go. So I'm pretty much destined to repeat 9th grade AGAIN. I really would just like to take my GED so I can just get it over with, but no one will help me take initiative to do it.
Ic an't even bare to weigh myself, I know it's going to be high and it'll just trigger a binge if I see it. It'll trigger a binge if it's low as well, anythign will trigger a binge.
I'm tying this plan: http://thosewithoutdesire.webs.com/apps/blog/show/1552098-four-day-plan
The person who made this one lost 8lbs in 4 days on it. I'm interested enough.
So last year I went to this modelling school, wherein I graduated and now I have an audition for an agency on Saturday. Now to get back at me for being "lazy" (AKA me not going to school because of my depression, but I forgot, I'm just faking it. Right Mom and Dad?) my Dad is saying I can't go. The thing is if I refuse to do an audition, which I have in the past, they get super pissed and chew me out because "WHY DID THEY EVEN FUCKIN PAY FOR IT IF I'M NOT GONNA DO IT?!" They're such fucking hypocrites.
If there's one thing I love it's Star Trek, and in the newest movie there came awesoem thinspo in the form of Zoe Saldana. GO watch it, it's very good. She was also in Center Stage, as that girl who had such an attitude but was a great dancer.
I've also been having such trouble with my depression, all I do is stay home from school, today was the first day of midterms and I just can't drag myself to actually go. So I'm pretty much destined to repeat 9th grade AGAIN. I really would just like to take my GED so I can just get it over with, but no one will help me take initiative to do it.
Ic an't even bare to weigh myself, I know it's going to be high and it'll just trigger a binge if I see it. It'll trigger a binge if it's low as well, anythign will trigger a binge.
I'm tying this plan: http://thosewithoutdesire.webs.com/apps/blog/show/1552098-four-day-plan
The person who made this one lost 8lbs in 4 days on it. I'm interested enough.
So last year I went to this modelling school, wherein I graduated and now I have an audition for an agency on Saturday. Now to get back at me for being "lazy" (AKA me not going to school because of my depression, but I forgot, I'm just faking it. Right Mom and Dad?) my Dad is saying I can't go. The thing is if I refuse to do an audition, which I have in the past, they get super pissed and chew me out because "WHY DID THEY EVEN FUCKIN PAY FOR IT IF I'M NOT GONNA DO IT?!" They're such fucking hypocrites.
If there's one thing I love it's Star Trek, and in the newest movie there came awesoem thinspo in the form of Zoe Saldana. GO watch it, it's very good. She was also in Center Stage, as that girl who had such an attitude but was a great dancer.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Decent Into Madness
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Let's summarize my situation and what I'll mostly write about:
I have been bulimic since 7th grade and have become a pig since I had a depression spell (Which resulted in a week stint at the psych ward).
I've been cutting since I was 9, at the edge of 10.
I have (In the mental illness department):
Bipolar
Anxiety Disorder
OCD
ADD
And just generalized craziness.
H: 5'1"
HW: 130lbs
LW: 103lbs
Time for the show:
Since today is a Saturday I'm just going to be hiding in my room all day, watching crappy movies and playing on the computer.
No where near food.
Let's hope this goes good. I was at 122.8lbs 3 days ago, but I'm too afraid to go and find out how much I weigh. Because just like usual, right when I start doing good... BAM I binge and don't purge.
So I woke up at 3am, I'm so used to waking up then because I fall asleep right after school. had a shower and have been watching TV ever since.
Midterms are this week too, fuck. I'm failing like 3 classes and if I don't make up work this weekend I'll get kicked out right after midterms. Yea, That's how much charter schools suck. And to top it all off my "friends" are a bunch of bitches, which is why I haven't been to school since Wednesday. I mostly have classes with Lipstick, Twink, and Stuck-Up (Yes those are their real initials), We used to be awesome friends at the beginning of the year but then C had a huge bitch thing for 2 months and constantly got mad at me.
So when Twink and me have music theory together he still acts like my friend and we giggle and listen to music. It was Stuck-Up's fault they drifted from me. She would always get pissy when I was around and wanted Twink to be just her best friend and A kinda is just indifferent so I go on my own and hang with some sorta friends.
When Artist has class with us she becomes best friends with them all (Her and Lipstick especially because they're like friends with benefits). No one can really stand me and I just sit with them at lunch and try not to burst out crying becausae they ignore me and talk over me.
But I guess LaLa (Me) doesn't fit with A B C (Lipstick, Twink, Stuck-Up, in that order).
Skinny and me bonded for like a week on account of Broadway blowing her off. Then she became in touch with my "old" friends. Now I'm yet again ingnored.
I'm very lucky I have Soul-Sister. But we barely see each other (About every few months) and she does understand me the best. But I need some substance.
It's times like these I really miss ballet class. I quite back in December after Nutcracker (I hadn't gone to class in a month and was just going to practice, barely). It kept me happy and kept my arms mostly scar free. Now I have to wear long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts everywhere. And I got fat and can't seem to loose it. At least back then I was at 115lbs. NOT great at all, but better than this.
Crazy times I have, I hope after highschool is a bit better.
Let's summarize my situation and what I'll mostly write about:
I have been bulimic since 7th grade and have become a pig since I had a depression spell (Which resulted in a week stint at the psych ward).
I've been cutting since I was 9, at the edge of 10.
I have (In the mental illness department):
Bipolar
Anxiety Disorder
OCD
ADD
And just generalized craziness.
H: 5'1"
HW: 130lbs
LW: 103lbs
Time for the show:
Since today is a Saturday I'm just going to be hiding in my room all day, watching crappy movies and playing on the computer.
No where near food.
Let's hope this goes good. I was at 122.8lbs 3 days ago, but I'm too afraid to go and find out how much I weigh. Because just like usual, right when I start doing good... BAM I binge and don't purge.
So I woke up at 3am, I'm so used to waking up then because I fall asleep right after school. had a shower and have been watching TV ever since.
Midterms are this week too, fuck. I'm failing like 3 classes and if I don't make up work this weekend I'll get kicked out right after midterms. Yea, That's how much charter schools suck. And to top it all off my "friends" are a bunch of bitches, which is why I haven't been to school since Wednesday. I mostly have classes with Lipstick, Twink, and Stuck-Up (Yes those are their real initials), We used to be awesome friends at the beginning of the year but then C had a huge bitch thing for 2 months and constantly got mad at me.
So when Twink and me have music theory together he still acts like my friend and we giggle and listen to music. It was Stuck-Up's fault they drifted from me. She would always get pissy when I was around and wanted Twink to be just her best friend and A kinda is just indifferent so I go on my own and hang with some sorta friends.
When Artist has class with us she becomes best friends with them all (Her and Lipstick especially because they're like friends with benefits). No one can really stand me and I just sit with them at lunch and try not to burst out crying becausae they ignore me and talk over me.
But I guess LaLa (Me) doesn't fit with A B C (Lipstick, Twink, Stuck-Up, in that order).
Skinny and me bonded for like a week on account of Broadway blowing her off. Then she became in touch with my "old" friends. Now I'm yet again ingnored.
I'm very lucky I have Soul-Sister. But we barely see each other (About every few months) and she does understand me the best. But I need some substance.
It's times like these I really miss ballet class. I quite back in December after Nutcracker (I hadn't gone to class in a month and was just going to practice, barely). It kept me happy and kept my arms mostly scar free. Now I have to wear long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts everywhere. And I got fat and can't seem to loose it. At least back then I was at 115lbs. NOT great at all, but better than this.
Crazy times I have, I hope after highschool is a bit better.
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