Man Who Can't Be Moved

Thursday was a pretty rad day.

I had to go to a job counseling place for orientation at 9AM just to be told a rehearsed script and then making an appointment to actually get help with finding a job, friggin' August 19th. I now am going to have to wait for a pretty much meaningless thing, but I know it will put my parents in a better mood for some time.

Then came the shopping.

Not only did I finally get to use my "Free Undies" coupon at Victoria's Secret, but also the "$10 off Bra" one as well, and scoring a sweet free t-shirt as well.

But the good mood didn't end there: Me and mom went to JC Penney's, where there is always a few nice pieces to add to my wardrobe.
I ended up with the purchase of:
-Size 1 (!!!) skinny jeans (I never could wear REAL skinny jeans in a 1)
-4 undies from the clearance rack (I love when that happens)
-a SUPER adorable PJ set (Which has just the right amount of sexy/cute


I set unrealistic goals.

Constantly.

It's just who I am, I suppose.

So I thought I'd set myself a much more reachable goal for once, 110lbs by August 12th.

~All of that was written Friday, the 29th. I was going to post but I completely forgot.

I finally made a step towards my future, we sent in the admissions form for the esthetician program. I don't feel strongly about that being a career path, but my parents will not let me just take a year off... I think I just feel like this now because I'm a touch depressed, yet also because I don't want to grow up any more. I can only imagine myself in such a nondescript way when I think of the future: I can never see myself past being in my early to mid 20's, I of course will fantasize about having kids and a husband, or being on Broadway, or living in a foreign country. But fantasy is different that actually picturing truly what will happen.

Not much else in my pathetic life.

I went to my first rehearsal Sunday, me and the other two youngest (21 and 19) have a little clique, discussing video games, sci-fi, and the likes. But that's about all on that frontier.

Clark Kent asked me to go to an antique car show at some 1940's style diner on Saturday, I said yes. I don't know why I did, I mean it'd disappoint him if I didn't, but going with him on what he most definitely considers a date seems so bitchy and leading him on in general.

I don't like him romantically at all.

Maybe I want to see what it feels like to have someone's undivided attention.

Or maybe I want to pretend I'm a normal girl and not at all carrying too much baggage for that clueless boy to handle.

He's a nice, rich boy with a promising future, who -For some crazy fucking reason- has a crush on me.

I completely feel like I don't deserve him, not even his one-sided love.

I want to like him for the simple benefit of having someone who would love me so much, but I can't see him like that.

One day, I hope I can feel like I deserve good things. And believe it.