Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event (Nightmares where I'm back there, sent back, or have the people from there in them)
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event (I read a book about these places and they went on to describe the "rules" which them made me have palpitations and be on the edge of a panic attack).
2. Avoidance
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment
Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
Sense of having no future
3. Arousal
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger (Inexplicable anger just THINKING about it, that makes me want to go on a rampage)
Sleeping difficulties
You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"), and the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:
Agitation, or excitability
Dizzines
Fainting
Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
Fever
Headache
Paleness
When I got out my emotions were just off the chart, I was so happy and easily excitable and it was like I was experiencing them all for the first time.
So I think I have found out why I've been having nightmares... Now I don't want to go to sleep because I'm afraid of having more. I really now NEED to go to a psychiatrist to get this all documented so then I can show this in court.
And if I hear one more time how my mother would have "Rebelled and not have been co-operative at all" I'm going to cut. She seriously does not understand how terrifying it is to not have any way to get out, being underage and at the mercy of people whom you DO NOT know one bit. Not ever having comfort and don't forget to mention being stranded in the middle of buttfuck, where the closet town would be probably a day's walk away. Putting me in that stint of solitary scared me quite a bit, especially since you never have a moment to just breathe, then they isolate you to make you feel more helpless. Then they say lies, and say that you have "no rights" there. Fucking fuck, I'm glad I watched Law & Order so much to even know half as much law as I do.
Plainly, you can see I'm still not over it.
In other news I'm in a V-Day production of The Vagina Monologues, which is a big deal to lil' ol' feminist me. Espcially since I'm going to be the youngest in ours'.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
There's a Place Called Home
WELL! It has been quite awhile since I've posted. Time to get my butt in gear (Physically as well).
What has been happening:
I just got out last Saturday from a RTC (Residential treatment center) where I was for 21 days. My parents tricked me into it by saying we were going to Vegas and then drove me there for a "tour". I was then left there.
Those places are absolutely horrid! The place I was at lied constantly and violated our rights at every turn. Then when I tried to tell my parents about them the people there said I was lying! They pushed their religion on you and we had to listen to Christian music. Now I don't mind anyone's religion, do what you want just don't push it on me. The girls there were quite brainwashed too.
There was ONE girl there who was really cool and kept it real. She was also an ED girl, which was super easy for me to connect on.
I am now just so glad my parents listened when I said they were doing really shady stuff. Now we are going to sue for emotional damages and so we don't have to pay them the fees, seeing as how they falsly advertised. I still am pretty shaken up about that place, it makes me scared to go anywhere with my parents and I don't trust them a bit. I had people watching me go to the bathroom, change, and taking showers for a week there. There was one woman who would make homophobic comments. There was emotional abuse there.
Being at home I can now go and weigh and NOT eat, they had us eat SO much there and we had to eat 75% or we would get a consequence. And those were like not being allowed to talk and having to write essays.
I am right now at 132.4lbs, so damn fat. It's just horrible!
http://www3.weightmirror.com/weightmirror/index.php?id=
this is such a cool website, you can put in your photo, put in your weight and height, then you canadd or subtract weight and it simulates what you'll look like. I absolutely love it.
What has been happening:
I just got out last Saturday from a RTC (Residential treatment center) where I was for 21 days. My parents tricked me into it by saying we were going to Vegas and then drove me there for a "tour". I was then left there.
Those places are absolutely horrid! The place I was at lied constantly and violated our rights at every turn. Then when I tried to tell my parents about them the people there said I was lying! They pushed their religion on you and we had to listen to Christian music. Now I don't mind anyone's religion, do what you want just don't push it on me. The girls there were quite brainwashed too.
There was ONE girl there who was really cool and kept it real. She was also an ED girl, which was super easy for me to connect on.
I am now just so glad my parents listened when I said they were doing really shady stuff. Now we are going to sue for emotional damages and so we don't have to pay them the fees, seeing as how they falsly advertised. I still am pretty shaken up about that place, it makes me scared to go anywhere with my parents and I don't trust them a bit. I had people watching me go to the bathroom, change, and taking showers for a week there. There was one woman who would make homophobic comments. There was emotional abuse there.
Being at home I can now go and weigh and NOT eat, they had us eat SO much there and we had to eat 75% or we would get a consequence. And those were like not being allowed to talk and having to write essays.
I am right now at 132.4lbs, so damn fat. It's just horrible!
http://www3.weightmirror.com/weightmirror/index.php?id=
this is such a cool website, you can put in your photo, put in your weight and height, then you canadd or subtract weight and it simulates what you'll look like. I absolutely love it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
We Started This Op'ra Shit
Yesterday was horrible foodwise, 2 sandwiches, a shake, beef jerky, maple candy and a chocolate covered strawberry.
Since it was prom I danced my ass off, only good plus.
Now tonight I'm sleeping over Soul Sister's and going to a beach party. Now I'm not really a popular person and my aprents are just finally letting me do things (They are control freaks), so I've never really been to parties.
The great thign about parties that Soul Sister goes to is that they always have alcohol involved, I am getting drunk.
I have such bad coordination when I'm drunk though, I can't focus my eyes correctly and I stumble quite badly. I also cuddle a lot.
Since it was prom I danced my ass off, only good plus.
Now tonight I'm sleeping over Soul Sister's and going to a beach party. Now I'm not really a popular person and my aprents are just finally letting me do things (They are control freaks), so I've never really been to parties.
The great thign about parties that Soul Sister goes to is that they always have alcohol involved, I am getting drunk.
I have such bad coordination when I'm drunk though, I can't focus my eyes correctly and I stumble quite badly. I also cuddle a lot.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Will You Be Me?
Play-by-play of the past days:
Friday: I was 118.6lbs. Then I ate at 7pm but took forever to purge, fell asleep but I did drag myself to do it at 2 or 3am.
Saturday: Didn't get to weigh-in, had to leave and go driving with my Dad (In prep for my Drivers' Ed next month). After driving I felt quite sick, I have really bad car sickness, so my Dad was like "Aw hell, let's go to Dennys'". He's overweight even with working out at the gym as much as he does, and it would disappoint him nto NOT go because we never spend time together. I had an All American Slam and 2 apple juices.
We then got a quad-toaster (It's realy freakin' awesome, and I have always wanted one of these) as ours broke over a week ago. Got chicken food for our chickens and then got 2 packages of gummy candy. My mom made dinner and I had to eat it (Steak stir-fry).
My brother (I'll call him Craigslist, as he spends all his time on it) came by and we had a physical fight. The start of the aforementioned fight? My dog was lying on the kitchen floor right next to my feet and I hit her stomach by accident. Of course then Craigslist has to goad me by saying I hurt her on purpose and kept saying that, teasing me, and frankly just pissing me off more and more. So I charged at him, trying to choke him and we briefly wrestled ending with his hand around my throat and my nails digging into his arm painfully so. It's got broken apart and I went to my room. I then had no way of throwing up so I (This seems to be happening a lot) fell asleep.
Intake:
Breakfast- All American Slam (700 estimating as I didn't eat the whole thing), 2 apple juices (182)
2 packs of gummies (380)
Dinner- Steak stir-fry (Around 500)
=1,762
Disgusting.
I have not eaten anything so far. I haven't even gone out of my room because I'm still mad that my parents did nothing to stop my brother from shutting his fucking mouth yesterday, but what's new. That's one thing that I've always hated about my family, my parents don't intervene when my brothers get too mean, then they wonder why I flip out. But I can never be mean to my brothers to defend myself, my Mom will jump on that quickly.
They also treat me totally different from my brothers besides being over protective. In high school my brothers had their girlfriend sleepover (In their beds with them!) at one point or another. And one of them even lived with us in the summer when she was in college.
Could that ever happen for me? No.
They don't even like me go over girls' houses if they're lesbians (That's Mom's part though). It's like they think the girls will turn me gay or (For guys as well) that all we are going to do is have sex. Seriously.
That's enough whining for today. In other news I'm going to prom again. My friend Twirl invited me to her prom (I went there last year with my guy friend), she didn't get a date even though she's really pretty and skinny. Most of the reason is because she's so shy, unconfident, and she has no boobs. The last she gets teased about all the time, I feel bad for her for that.
Now I have to find a dress, I was thinking a short white one as they look so chic and classy.
Friday: I was 118.6lbs. Then I ate at 7pm but took forever to purge, fell asleep but I did drag myself to do it at 2 or 3am.
Saturday: Didn't get to weigh-in, had to leave and go driving with my Dad (In prep for my Drivers' Ed next month). After driving I felt quite sick, I have really bad car sickness, so my Dad was like "Aw hell, let's go to Dennys'". He's overweight even with working out at the gym as much as he does, and it would disappoint him nto NOT go because we never spend time together. I had an All American Slam and 2 apple juices.
We then got a quad-toaster (It's realy freakin' awesome, and I have always wanted one of these) as ours broke over a week ago. Got chicken food for our chickens and then got 2 packages of gummy candy. My mom made dinner and I had to eat it (Steak stir-fry).
My brother (I'll call him Craigslist, as he spends all his time on it) came by and we had a physical fight. The start of the aforementioned fight? My dog was lying on the kitchen floor right next to my feet and I hit her stomach by accident. Of course then Craigslist has to goad me by saying I hurt her on purpose and kept saying that, teasing me, and frankly just pissing me off more and more. So I charged at him, trying to choke him and we briefly wrestled ending with his hand around my throat and my nails digging into his arm painfully so. It's got broken apart and I went to my room. I then had no way of throwing up so I (This seems to be happening a lot) fell asleep.
Intake:
Breakfast- All American Slam (700 estimating as I didn't eat the whole thing), 2 apple juices (182)
2 packs of gummies (380)
Dinner- Steak stir-fry (Around 500)
=1,762
Disgusting.
I have not eaten anything so far. I haven't even gone out of my room because I'm still mad that my parents did nothing to stop my brother from shutting his fucking mouth yesterday, but what's new. That's one thing that I've always hated about my family, my parents don't intervene when my brothers get too mean, then they wonder why I flip out. But I can never be mean to my brothers to defend myself, my Mom will jump on that quickly.
They also treat me totally different from my brothers besides being over protective. In high school my brothers had their girlfriend sleepover (In their beds with them!) at one point or another. And one of them even lived with us in the summer when she was in college.
Could that ever happen for me? No.
They don't even like me go over girls' houses if they're lesbians (That's Mom's part though). It's like they think the girls will turn me gay or (For guys as well) that all we are going to do is have sex. Seriously.
That's enough whining for today. In other news I'm going to prom again. My friend Twirl invited me to her prom (I went there last year with my guy friend), she didn't get a date even though she's really pretty and skinny. Most of the reason is because she's so shy, unconfident, and she has no boobs. The last she gets teased about all the time, I feel bad for her for that.
Now I have to find a dress, I was thinking a short white one as they look so chic and classy.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Agree to Disagree
Oh damn.
Mom is going to be out till around 2pm, bringing my Dad to the hospital and such (Routine thing he has to get done, as he has a neck problem).
SO easy to binge, and I feel it coming on so easily, even though I just binged and purged a few hours ago. Ugh, and I just chewed through all my gum because I was trying to stop a binge.
Luckily I had all the pizza last night so it's not available today.
Weighing in at 119.6lbs.
Pure happiness.
I am just so GLAD, I need this, to be thin again. But whenever I get thinner I always binge so bad.
Crossing my fingers that it'll turn out well.
Mom is going to be out till around 2pm, bringing my Dad to the hospital and such (Routine thing he has to get done, as he has a neck problem).
SO easy to binge, and I feel it coming on so easily, even though I just binged and purged a few hours ago. Ugh, and I just chewed through all my gum because I was trying to stop a binge.
Luckily I had all the pizza last night so it's not available today.
Weighing in at 119.6lbs.
Pure happiness.
I am just so GLAD, I need this, to be thin again. But whenever I get thinner I always binge so bad.
Crossing my fingers that it'll turn out well.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Things You See In A Graveyard
Okay, this is definitely going to be a rant post. After reading:
http://wintergirlinthemaking.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-blame-dance.html
Really good blog by the way, but this was one of the things that just irks me so much. I always hated seeing the token "fat" little girls at dance, the sweet kids who just have a bit of puppy fat. And sometimes I'd hear them saying things about weight and I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just feel so bad that kids know weight and calories and are so conscious, especially in a dance setting.
But the blame falls completely on the 2 main teachers there, especially the owner who would say flat out "You're fat, lose weight". Some of the girls (Read that as the younger ones, around 12), that were still nice before they got bitchy, would feel bad as well and talk about how that would cause issues with food. Sometimes I could understand with the teacher, I mean yeah, some people do need to lose weight, especially if you want the best parts and wear the old itty bitty costumes. Then on the other hand when she'd say it to me and some others I'd just bite my lip so then I wouldn't flip out.
Aaannnnddd, end scene.
Onto to my weight, 120.6lbs, I'm just so glad I didn't go up. I know it's because my mom brought home this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pizza (One food I would live off of if I could) and I, of course, ate it. Luckily I convinced my Mom to go out to the grocery store so I could purge. Ohhhhhh God that pizza is good, they use really big slices and they have huge toppings and make just amazingness.
http://wintergirlinthemaking.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-blame-dance.html
Really good blog by the way, but this was one of the things that just irks me so much. I always hated seeing the token "fat" little girls at dance, the sweet kids who just have a bit of puppy fat. And sometimes I'd hear them saying things about weight and I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just feel so bad that kids know weight and calories and are so conscious, especially in a dance setting.
But the blame falls completely on the 2 main teachers there, especially the owner who would say flat out "You're fat, lose weight". Some of the girls (Read that as the younger ones, around 12), that were still nice before they got bitchy, would feel bad as well and talk about how that would cause issues with food. Sometimes I could understand with the teacher, I mean yeah, some people do need to lose weight, especially if you want the best parts and wear the old itty bitty costumes. Then on the other hand when she'd say it to me and some others I'd just bite my lip so then I wouldn't flip out.
Aaannnnddd, end scene.
Onto to my weight, 120.6lbs, I'm just so glad I didn't go up. I know it's because my mom brought home this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pizza (One food I would live off of if I could) and I, of course, ate it. Luckily I convinced my Mom to go out to the grocery store so I could purge. Ohhhhhh God that pizza is good, they use really big slices and they have huge toppings and make just amazingness.
21st Century Cure
I love before and after photos, those are my favorite pro-ana things.
Anyways, I woke up with a horrible backache, which meant:
A) My period will show soon, or
B) I totally have to change my underwear because it looks like a battlefield.
Well it was B, so then I went downstairs to get a tampon, lo' and behold! It's been quite a few days since I've weighed in.
... I was so fucking scared because I thought I'd be retaining water and weigh so much.
120.6lbs.
What.
The.
Fuck.
Um, hello?! Elated is the first thing that comes to mind. I haven't been this light since before October, when I got admitted I even stayed at this weight the whole week (Pretty amazing considering that I was eating 3 square meals a day and not exercising).
Even still I went and binged a bit, purged after. I would have not fasted but Saturday we are going to see Jesus Christ Superstar and I lose energy in the second day of fasting and I want to fast for as long as possible Saturday, because we always go out to eat when we see things in the city.
And right before I went to sleep yesterday I was feeling so depressed, I wanted to cut so so so bad, but it was the kind of depressed where you just feel like laying in bed catatonically and watch Law and Order: SVU marathons. I did keep alternating between my nails and teeth hurting my lip. Now it's a bit swollen and very obvious.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tomorrow Belongs To Me
SUCH. A. FUCKING. GOOD. MOOD.
122.6lbs.
YUHSSS.
I am just so happy about that, especially since I ate SO much on Sunday and didn't purge. Then I stayed up till the morning and ate more and FINALLY threw up. For the past 2 nights we've been having chicken and salad, it's dull as hell but sooo easy to purge with enough water.
Also since I have my nights and days reversed I wake up and just wait till 9 or 10pm so then I can purge everything and everyone will be asleep... Can't remember if I mentioned that before.
Oh yes, I never did tell about Soul Sister's, we actually did not get drunk or high, suprisingly. But we did get some percs and they are a high dose, super nice man.
Nothing else has been happening, unfortunately, although I am VERY glad that I'm losing.
122.6lbs.
YUHSSS.
I am just so happy about that, especially since I ate SO much on Sunday and didn't purge. Then I stayed up till the morning and ate more and FINALLY threw up. For the past 2 nights we've been having chicken and salad, it's dull as hell but sooo easy to purge with enough water.
Also since I have my nights and days reversed I wake up and just wait till 9 or 10pm so then I can purge everything and everyone will be asleep... Can't remember if I mentioned that before.
Oh yes, I never did tell about Soul Sister's, we actually did not get drunk or high, suprisingly. But we did get some percs and they are a high dose, super nice man.
Nothing else has been happening, unfortunately, although I am VERY glad that I'm losing.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Something Good To Show You
Today I get out of the house for the first time in a week, sleeping over my best friend/soul sister's house. I am so fuckiing glad, I miss her so much (We live in different states, but it's just a hour away).
And like any time together, we will get high/drunk. DAMN I love it.
But I had a stupid depression spell and cut myself recently. The cool thing about staying over her house is she and I are so comfortable around each other we sleep in our underwear. She knows about my cutting, but her family sure doesn't. And since it's pretty nice I usually wear shorts. Stupid me, cutting on my thigh, and pretty low on it too.
124.2lbs at the moment.
I wish I could have weigh myself at my usual time, as I like 24 hours or so to pass before weighing myself. Buuuuut I'll be at Soul Sister's by that time.
It's amazing, seeing that I binged crazily on Saturday, staying up till 4am talking to Russe on FaceBook. Then I was too afraid to go throw up (It takes me like a hour), fearing my Dad would get up to go to the gym soon. So I sat being so horribly obese.
So, Russe. The only down sides I can find about him is:
-He's a semi-scene kid. Doesn't dress it thoroughly, but ehhh.
-His favorite clothes are v-neck t-shirts and skinny jeans. WHO ELSE WEARS THAT CONSTANTLY??? Joe. Jonas. ewwwwwww. He looks nice in them, but hah, still a funny thing.
And next week he has vacation, so CHA-CHING, we are hanging out.
Not really looking forward to one thing at Soul Sister's: Food. I've actually been feeling really sick from drinking or eating anything these past 2 days, and I really don't want to accidentally throw up at her house (I did the first time I slept over, I just got sick from the food).
I also envy Soul Sister like MAD for being my height and weighing 98lbs.
ENVVVVVVVVYYYYYY
But I also like to eat over there as I make myself eat as much as her. It's so strange, I can tell what a correctly portioned meal is if I see it, but I can't do it myself. Now a days it's just don't eat until dinner (Lunch only if you MUST), binge till everyone is asleep, then purge. On my once in a blue moon days I fast and love every minute of it. And whenever I do keep food down it's always after a gut-busting binge. But when I keep down good portioned things (Like with friends, when I feel too ashamed to binge more) I barely gain.
And her family is almost always out, her brother is pretty out of the way and her parents work all day and when they are back we barely see them.
Every time staying over her house is like a mini adventure.
And like any time together, we will get high/drunk. DAMN I love it.
But I had a stupid depression spell and cut myself recently. The cool thing about staying over her house is she and I are so comfortable around each other we sleep in our underwear. She knows about my cutting, but her family sure doesn't. And since it's pretty nice I usually wear shorts. Stupid me, cutting on my thigh, and pretty low on it too.
124.2lbs at the moment.
I wish I could have weigh myself at my usual time, as I like 24 hours or so to pass before weighing myself. Buuuuut I'll be at Soul Sister's by that time.
It's amazing, seeing that I binged crazily on Saturday, staying up till 4am talking to Russe on FaceBook. Then I was too afraid to go throw up (It takes me like a hour), fearing my Dad would get up to go to the gym soon. So I sat being so horribly obese.
So, Russe. The only down sides I can find about him is:
-He's a semi-scene kid. Doesn't dress it thoroughly, but ehhh.
-His favorite clothes are v-neck t-shirts and skinny jeans. WHO ELSE WEARS THAT CONSTANTLY??? Joe. Jonas. ewwwwwww. He looks nice in them, but hah, still a funny thing.
And next week he has vacation, so CHA-CHING, we are hanging out.
Not really looking forward to one thing at Soul Sister's: Food. I've actually been feeling really sick from drinking or eating anything these past 2 days, and I really don't want to accidentally throw up at her house (I did the first time I slept over, I just got sick from the food).
I also envy Soul Sister like MAD for being my height and weighing 98lbs.
ENVVVVVVVVYYYYYY
But I also like to eat over there as I make myself eat as much as her. It's so strange, I can tell what a correctly portioned meal is if I see it, but I can't do it myself. Now a days it's just don't eat until dinner (Lunch only if you MUST), binge till everyone is asleep, then purge. On my once in a blue moon days I fast and love every minute of it. And whenever I do keep food down it's always after a gut-busting binge. But when I keep down good portioned things (Like with friends, when I feel too ashamed to binge more) I barely gain.
And her family is almost always out, her brother is pretty out of the way and her parents work all day and when they are back we barely see them.
Every time staying over her house is like a mini adventure.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Miss Invisible
Actually pretty happy today, but that's because yesterday I met a nice, cute, RUSSIAN boy, let's say Russe is his name.
If there is one thing I have a weakness for it's boys knowing differeft langugages.
Any who, what I did was just man the whole stand for the best wishes cards, then my Russian teacher brought one of her friends' son to help (As he had to get in community service hours for high school), and this, my friends, is how I met him. Throughout the whole show we didn't bother to go and watch it we just hung out in the lobby, listening to music and talking.
I have to say I'm very glad I like comics, scifi, and fantasy.
So I met a few of his friends who where in the show an dthey all gave him the thumbs up when they saw him with me.
Now Russe wants to see Iron Man 2 with me... Let's hope that actually happens.
I didn't eat anything yesterday, I had an ice coffee from Dunkins' that just had sugar (No milk because they messed up my order thankfully!), and a few sips of a Fresca.
Now I'm weighing in at 124.4lbs :)
If there is one thing I have a weakness for it's boys knowing differeft langugages.
Any who, what I did was just man the whole stand for the best wishes cards, then my Russian teacher brought one of her friends' son to help (As he had to get in community service hours for high school), and this, my friends, is how I met him. Throughout the whole show we didn't bother to go and watch it we just hung out in the lobby, listening to music and talking.
I have to say I'm very glad I like comics, scifi, and fantasy.
So I met a few of his friends who where in the show an dthey all gave him the thumbs up when they saw him with me.
Now Russe wants to see Iron Man 2 with me... Let's hope that actually happens.
I didn't eat anything yesterday, I had an ice coffee from Dunkins' that just had sugar (No milk because they messed up my order thankfully!), and a few sips of a Fresca.
Now I'm weighing in at 124.4lbs :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Why do the holidays make us fat? I always just get so caught up with them that I don't have any time to throw up and then I'm so tired.
Fuckin' Easter.
That's where it all went wrong. Luckily now though I have been staying up all night and sleeping all day, which is realy the best thing in the world. I always eat too much during the day because my mom pressures me to it. Now it's more like I sleep till 9pm (Or just stay in my room and pretend to) and come down and eat. Then I just wait till mom goes to sleep so I can stop being paranoid and throw up.
At the moment I am 127.2 lbs, I feel very shitty by that, that it took this long to lose whatever it was. I was too afraid to weigh myself.
Tomorrow is huge, my old russian teacher asked me to help her with this fashion show fundraiser for breast cancer. It's just the rehearsal and all I do is run the little best wishes cards to the "models". So hopefully there's some thinspo there, and not a lot of fat chicks.
She's one of those people who I really want to present myself for. Like I want her to be proud, just like what I'd try to do with my old dance teacher.
So what should I wear? I'm totally stressing about what to wear for the rehearsal and the actual night. I know I should be more casual than most of the people there, since i'm only going to be behind the scenes really.
This is what I was thinking for the show:
Dark wash green skinny jeans (The only skinny jeans that I've ever looked nice-ish in)
Black tank top
My blue converse or my white and black Ozzy converse
Pretty gypsy necklace I made
And some bracelets
That's my pretty outfit that isn't slutty like my other clothes. But I am not sure at all what to wear for rehearsal.
My fashion sense has been changing recently. Since 5th grade I've went from Goth/Punk>Punk>Cyndi Lauper-esque>Whatever I felt like>Gypsy-esque with a touch of glam. My newest one is more of that chick from Gossip Girls (I've never seen it or read it but I found an article about how she dresses and I LOVE IT).
Also it's pretty hot here, for being New England, I'm surprised. And guess who just happened to have a depression spell and cut themselves... so I'm really gonna pile on the bracelets.
So now I gotta work out as much as possible for tomorrow and for the 11th. BUt now I've been feeling very sick the past 2 days whenever I eat and just before I fall asleep, so that's gonna help.
Fuckin' Easter.
That's where it all went wrong. Luckily now though I have been staying up all night and sleeping all day, which is realy the best thing in the world. I always eat too much during the day because my mom pressures me to it. Now it's more like I sleep till 9pm (Or just stay in my room and pretend to) and come down and eat. Then I just wait till mom goes to sleep so I can stop being paranoid and throw up.
At the moment I am 127.2 lbs, I feel very shitty by that, that it took this long to lose whatever it was. I was too afraid to weigh myself.
Tomorrow is huge, my old russian teacher asked me to help her with this fashion show fundraiser for breast cancer. It's just the rehearsal and all I do is run the little best wishes cards to the "models". So hopefully there's some thinspo there, and not a lot of fat chicks.
She's one of those people who I really want to present myself for. Like I want her to be proud, just like what I'd try to do with my old dance teacher.
So what should I wear? I'm totally stressing about what to wear for the rehearsal and the actual night. I know I should be more casual than most of the people there, since i'm only going to be behind the scenes really.
This is what I was thinking for the show:
Dark wash green skinny jeans (The only skinny jeans that I've ever looked nice-ish in)
Black tank top
My blue converse or my white and black Ozzy converse
Pretty gypsy necklace I made
And some bracelets
That's my pretty outfit that isn't slutty like my other clothes. But I am not sure at all what to wear for rehearsal.
My fashion sense has been changing recently. Since 5th grade I've went from Goth/Punk>Punk>Cyndi Lauper-esque>Whatever I felt like>Gypsy-esque with a touch of glam. My newest one is more of that chick from Gossip Girls (I've never seen it or read it but I found an article about how she dresses and I LOVE IT).
Also it's pretty hot here, for being New England, I'm surprised. And guess who just happened to have a depression spell and cut themselves... so I'm really gonna pile on the bracelets.
So now I gotta work out as much as possible for tomorrow and for the 11th. BUt now I've been feeling very sick the past 2 days whenever I eat and just before I fall asleep, so that's gonna help.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Lucy At The Gym
I feel rejuvenated. Even though I haven't slept in about 36 hours, I am just wired.
So this is what happened:
Cleaned room a bit to burn of some extra cals.
Around 2:30pm took a vyvanse. Those things are so potent, even though I know how long I was on it before, it was still amazing.
I felt like running around but I'm the couch potato so it's kinda hard for me to pass it off as a normal experience, and my mom's friends were over *gag*.
Stayed in my bed playing on the computer and singing to Terra Naomi songs ALL day, like I mean seriously, From 3pm to 11pm.
And the best accomplishment, I did not eat ANYTHING, those fuckers suppress your appetite so much that I threw away my dinner, and spit out the mango piece mom gave me, I said it was too ripe and acidy.
So all I consumed today was:
Water
Less than 2 cans of Diet 7-Up
3 Sugar-less Jolly Ranchers (30 cal.)
30 CALORIES!!!!
Now for my weight, 125lbs! Now that I've gotten down to this, I'm now at my 1st goal.
So this is what happened:
Cleaned room a bit to burn of some extra cals.
Around 2:30pm took a vyvanse. Those things are so potent, even though I know how long I was on it before, it was still amazing.
I felt like running around but I'm the couch potato so it's kinda hard for me to pass it off as a normal experience, and my mom's friends were over *gag*.
Stayed in my bed playing on the computer and singing to Terra Naomi songs ALL day, like I mean seriously, From 3pm to 11pm.
And the best accomplishment, I did not eat ANYTHING, those fuckers suppress your appetite so much that I threw away my dinner, and spit out the mango piece mom gave me, I said it was too ripe and acidy.
So all I consumed today was:
Water
Less than 2 cans of Diet 7-Up
3 Sugar-less Jolly Ranchers (30 cal.)
30 CALORIES!!!!
Now for my weight, 125lbs! Now that I've gotten down to this, I'm now at my 1st goal.
The Vicodin Song
I am determined like a fucker.
I have not slept yet.
So I'm gonna do what I always did to lose weight when I was in this mind set:
fast and when I do eat purge it directly after. That's what happened when I was at my lowest.
Also I have obtained some connies, add that to my 3 vyvanse, and you got appetite supressants for quite a while when used at the utmost needed time.
I miss being around 105lbs and it was so fucking hard to fall asleep on my stomach without putting something under my hips so then they wouldn't dig into the matress. I WILL get there. I am so fucking wanting it at the moment.
Weighed myself yesterday, 128.8lbs, I am so glad this is going down.
Then, I ate:
3 1/2 enchiladas
4 dollops of sour cream
few hersheys' kisses
2 bowls of fruit salad
Purged:
Only a bit of the fruit salad, most of it was acidy though, so it really digested.
So I was watching the 4 hour Judy Garland movie on Oxygen and I realized, my life is a real lot like her's, except for the whole spot-light thing. Not like those stupid broadway hopefuls who say "AH I like looove Judy Garland, I feel like exactly like her, even though I come from a great family and have perfect friends and look absolutely perfect!" I'm more like her in the lines of her presonal life, and her psyche.
Ah well, I'll definitely do better today, I know it.
And a side note, if anyone is actually reading my blog, listen to "The Vicodin Song" by Terra Naomi. It's amaaaaaazing.
Is anyone reading it?
I have not slept yet.
So I'm gonna do what I always did to lose weight when I was in this mind set:
fast and when I do eat purge it directly after. That's what happened when I was at my lowest.
Also I have obtained some connies, add that to my 3 vyvanse, and you got appetite supressants for quite a while when used at the utmost needed time.
I miss being around 105lbs and it was so fucking hard to fall asleep on my stomach without putting something under my hips so then they wouldn't dig into the matress. I WILL get there. I am so fucking wanting it at the moment.
Weighed myself yesterday, 128.8lbs, I am so glad this is going down.
Then, I ate:
3 1/2 enchiladas
4 dollops of sour cream
few hersheys' kisses
2 bowls of fruit salad
Purged:
Only a bit of the fruit salad, most of it was acidy though, so it really digested.
So I was watching the 4 hour Judy Garland movie on Oxygen and I realized, my life is a real lot like her's, except for the whole spot-light thing. Not like those stupid broadway hopefuls who say "AH I like looove Judy Garland, I feel like exactly like her, even though I come from a great family and have perfect friends and look absolutely perfect!" I'm more like her in the lines of her presonal life, and her psyche.
Ah well, I'll definitely do better today, I know it.
And a side note, if anyone is actually reading my blog, listen to "The Vicodin Song" by Terra Naomi. It's amaaaaaazing.
Is anyone reading it?
Monday, March 22, 2010
It Won't Be Long Now
WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND FOUND THEIR SCALE?!
This chick, that's who.
Seems that when my mother switched around the bathroom closet she just jiggled the scale more into it's crevice. Although now i feel like a huge failure.
130.2, but I got out of the shower so my hair was quite wet and I had put on my lotion. No excuse though, I AM a pig.
Two shrink appointments back to back in a few hours, seeing how it's 3am and they start at 10am. Fuck, I'm so tired of 'delving' into my psyche. The first one is a psychiatrist for meds, so at least there's a bright side. I want my Klonopin! But the sencond is my talk session, I really don't want to. Maybe I can say I don't feel like it and we could do a stupid game or something.
Last week we just starting talkiing about my cutting, so fuck he might want to more.
This chick, that's who.
Seems that when my mother switched around the bathroom closet she just jiggled the scale more into it's crevice. Although now i feel like a huge failure.
130.2, but I got out of the shower so my hair was quite wet and I had put on my lotion. No excuse though, I AM a pig.
Two shrink appointments back to back in a few hours, seeing how it's 3am and they start at 10am. Fuck, I'm so tired of 'delving' into my psyche. The first one is a psychiatrist for meds, so at least there's a bright side. I want my Klonopin! But the sencond is my talk session, I really don't want to. Maybe I can say I don't feel like it and we could do a stupid game or something.
Last week we just starting talkiing about my cutting, so fuck he might want to more.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The World is Pretty Upside Down
Hah, been QUITE a while. It's been.. ordered chaos here.
Also I'm going to be in 9th grade again next year, damn. I just stopped going to school at the beginning of March. I feel like such a loser for that but at least I'll be 18 in less than 2 years. Then I can FINALLY take my fucking GED and get the fuck out of my house.
One of the reasons I stopped going to school was because of their accusations from the drug bust.
Like really, if I had Oxy I wouldn't sell it, I'd take it.
My brother is now a father as of a week ago, the baby's name is Valerie. I'm kinda pissed about the name though. Let me just say I am one of those people who absolutely hate their teenage years and just desperately want to have a husband and kids, I have a huge maternal/nurturing instinct. Anyways, the reason I hate that they named the baby Valerie is because I really loved the Russian name Valeria, and the name Valeris. I think this calls for a lists of names that I like:
-Valentina (Valya)
-Galina (Galya)
-Amneris
-Lucia
-Romulus
-Remi (For a girl)
-Remus (for a boy and then have it be Remy)
-Amadine
-Freya
-Skuld
-Verdandi
As it is seen, I have an obsession with Norse, Russian, French, and Egyptian names.
Now to get on with weight, I AM GOING SO FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY. I've been doing pretty good the past week or so, and I can definitrly tell I'm losing.
I don't got no scale though. My mother found it in the downstairs bathroom closet, and just like her, she never said anything about it. I know the she took it but she just didn't question me about it at all.
I'm a frequent gum chewer, because if I'm not chewing it I'm biting my lipsor licking them. But now I finally got my Invisalign braces in (Clear trays that snap on your teeth and slowly move them into place) and one of the things is is that you can't chew gum. You're only supposed to have them out for 2 hours a day max, so I'd rather not take them out to chew gum. So now I have a bag of sugar-free candy that I suck on occasionally.
Another thing, my parents made me go to a theRAPIST again, I usually can't deal with them past one session but my dad let me get my nosed pierced if I went, so now yay, I got a cute nose piercing.
Also I'm going to be in 9th grade again next year, damn. I just stopped going to school at the beginning of March. I feel like such a loser for that but at least I'll be 18 in less than 2 years. Then I can FINALLY take my fucking GED and get the fuck out of my house.
One of the reasons I stopped going to school was because of their accusations from the drug bust.
Like really, if I had Oxy I wouldn't sell it, I'd take it.
My brother is now a father as of a week ago, the baby's name is Valerie. I'm kinda pissed about the name though. Let me just say I am one of those people who absolutely hate their teenage years and just desperately want to have a husband and kids, I have a huge maternal/nurturing instinct. Anyways, the reason I hate that they named the baby Valerie is because I really loved the Russian name Valeria, and the name Valeris. I think this calls for a lists of names that I like:
-Valentina (Valya)
-Galina (Galya)
-Amneris
-Lucia
-Romulus
-Remi (For a girl)
-Remus (for a boy and then have it be Remy)
-Amadine
-Freya
-Skuld
-Verdandi
As it is seen, I have an obsession with Norse, Russian, French, and Egyptian names.
Now to get on with weight, I AM GOING SO FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY. I've been doing pretty good the past week or so, and I can definitrly tell I'm losing.
I don't got no scale though. My mother found it in the downstairs bathroom closet, and just like her, she never said anything about it. I know the she took it but she just didn't question me about it at all.
I'm a frequent gum chewer, because if I'm not chewing it I'm biting my lipsor licking them. But now I finally got my Invisalign braces in (Clear trays that snap on your teeth and slowly move them into place) and one of the things is is that you can't chew gum. You're only supposed to have them out for 2 hours a day max, so I'd rather not take them out to chew gum. So now I have a bag of sugar-free candy that I suck on occasionally.
Another thing, my parents made me go to a theRAPIST again, I usually can't deal with them past one session but my dad let me get my nosed pierced if I went, so now yay, I got a cute nose piercing.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Just Breathe
WORST. DAY. EVER.
Let me give a bit of the back story, yesterday I didn't go to school because I had a sore throat and I went to the doctor's. Then I go on to the computer to find out that there was a drug search. LEMME SAY, GOOD THING I DIDN'T GO IN. So, I find out 3 kids got busted, 1 was expelled and 2 just got suspended.
Today was fucked. During first period they came and brought me to the principal's office to search my bag and my jacket and sweatshirt (Which they took off of me, luckily I managed to get my arm to my side so they wouldn't see. They couldn't find anything, of course.
Later on, they called me in again and had the truant officer talk to me, to scare me I believe since they couldn't prove anything. When my mom picks me up from school she says that they told her:
-A few people have told the principal they're concerned, and the principal believes it's true because the people that told her were my friends. Although I don't have any and the only people I can think of (Stuck-Up) who are friends with a lot of other druggies. So I can only assume that they just want to get me in trouble.
-They told my parents that I had a wrapped package in my bag, my mother supplied that it must be Halls (Because of my sore throat), they agreed. It was a GUM PACK that I didn't open. But what I don't understand is that they doon't even know what it was but they just were looking for a way to get me in trouble.
Those were the main points... I'm just surprised with how hard they pursued it when all they have is verbal hearsay and, it just seems liek alll they want to do is get me caught. To get me expelled or something. Like What did I do to them?
Now my weight... Ugh I don't even want to list it, but it's around 125lbs. I am such a fucking fat ass, I feel so gross.
Let me give a bit of the back story, yesterday I didn't go to school because I had a sore throat and I went to the doctor's. Then I go on to the computer to find out that there was a drug search. LEMME SAY, GOOD THING I DIDN'T GO IN. So, I find out 3 kids got busted, 1 was expelled and 2 just got suspended.
Today was fucked. During first period they came and brought me to the principal's office to search my bag and my jacket and sweatshirt (Which they took off of me, luckily I managed to get my arm to my side so they wouldn't see. They couldn't find anything, of course.
Later on, they called me in again and had the truant officer talk to me, to scare me I believe since they couldn't prove anything. When my mom picks me up from school she says that they told her:
-A few people have told the principal they're concerned, and the principal believes it's true because the people that told her were my friends. Although I don't have any and the only people I can think of (Stuck-Up) who are friends with a lot of other druggies. So I can only assume that they just want to get me in trouble.
-They told my parents that I had a wrapped package in my bag, my mother supplied that it must be Halls (Because of my sore throat), they agreed. It was a GUM PACK that I didn't open. But what I don't understand is that they doon't even know what it was but they just were looking for a way to get me in trouble.
Those were the main points... I'm just surprised with how hard they pursued it when all they have is verbal hearsay and, it just seems liek alll they want to do is get me caught. To get me expelled or something. Like What did I do to them?
Now my weight... Ugh I don't even want to list it, but it's around 125lbs. I am such a fucking fat ass, I feel so gross.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Law and Order
It's really been really weird these past few weeks, I can't throw up... It's like I'll binge to my heart's content and I'll go to the bathroom and I just can't. I feel like my body and mind are betraying me.
I AM SO FAT.
I've also been eating and just not worrying about my weight, and getting neutral about food in my stomach, but then all I can think about is the feeling of food in them, stretching and coursing calories through my body. It's disgusting.
But my friend, let's call her Crystal, traded somw candy with me. I now own Vyvanse. I took it at school on friday and it was CA-RAZY! I was bouncing in my seat abd taking notes like a pro. Then when I got home I cleaned my room none stop from 4pm till 1am. I didn't eat anything that day besides a piece of cake thet I had to during social studies (It was so grossly sugar-filled, I luckily threw out a lot of the icing. At least I cleaned off quite a few calories (About 2000!), but the next day I was SO SORE.
Also yesterday I bought some XTC from Crystal... It wasn't that great because I like uppers and it was a molly laced with heroin.
And now my favorite brother (Who's in the airforce) says that I can come live with him for a few weeks this summer, it is so fucking hot there (Think of a state with a desert). And I have a skin sensitivity so I burn really bad in the sun, but with him it's all about going to the gym and he'll be out during the day at work so I can do whatever. Also he has parties all the time and he's really lax and will let me have a bit to drink (Then he has sooooooo much alcohol so I can just sneak more).
I hate that I can't throw up anymore, but I still have 5 Vyvanse to keep me from eating and to burn off that fat! I believe I'm still in the high 120's because of how my leggings fit. It's okay though I can do it!
I AM SO FAT.
I've also been eating and just not worrying about my weight, and getting neutral about food in my stomach, but then all I can think about is the feeling of food in them, stretching and coursing calories through my body. It's disgusting.
But my friend, let's call her Crystal, traded somw candy with me. I now own Vyvanse. I took it at school on friday and it was CA-RAZY! I was bouncing in my seat abd taking notes like a pro. Then when I got home I cleaned my room none stop from 4pm till 1am. I didn't eat anything that day besides a piece of cake thet I had to during social studies (It was so grossly sugar-filled, I luckily threw out a lot of the icing. At least I cleaned off quite a few calories (About 2000!), but the next day I was SO SORE.
Also yesterday I bought some XTC from Crystal... It wasn't that great because I like uppers and it was a molly laced with heroin.
And now my favorite brother (Who's in the airforce) says that I can come live with him for a few weeks this summer, it is so fucking hot there (Think of a state with a desert). And I have a skin sensitivity so I burn really bad in the sun, but with him it's all about going to the gym and he'll be out during the day at work so I can do whatever. Also he has parties all the time and he's really lax and will let me have a bit to drink (Then he has sooooooo much alcohol so I can just sneak more).
I hate that I can't throw up anymore, but I still have 5 Vyvanse to keep me from eating and to burn off that fat! I believe I'm still in the high 120's because of how my leggings fit. It's okay though I can do it!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Poor Fool Makes Me Laugh
I actually went to school today, it was that or the truant officer comes to my house, and the one in our town is a total dick.
In ED news, I did pretty good, I fasted most of the day and I just ate (I'm gonna go purge in a bit, even though I am so tired and about to collapse). I still can't bare to weigh myself as it will just ruin my day abso-fucking-lutely.
I tried to talk to Skinny today, she barely even talked to me and then rushed away to do something. I caught Stuck-Up and Lipstick's eyes but they just gave me a look and didn't say anything at all. I finally told my mother on the way home that I have just about no friends and that I'm miserable because of it. She didn't understand how devasting it is to be 16 and just be a back-up friend.
I'm trying my hardest not to cut, but it also has to do with the fact that I can't find my little tin with my blades in it. So instead, I've just been getting high as possible, it's a good thing.
In ED news, I did pretty good, I fasted most of the day and I just ate (I'm gonna go purge in a bit, even though I am so tired and about to collapse). I still can't bare to weigh myself as it will just ruin my day abso-fucking-lutely.
I tried to talk to Skinny today, she barely even talked to me and then rushed away to do something. I caught Stuck-Up and Lipstick's eyes but they just gave me a look and didn't say anything at all. I finally told my mother on the way home that I have just about no friends and that I'm miserable because of it. She didn't understand how devasting it is to be 16 and just be a back-up friend.
I'm trying my hardest not to cut, but it also has to do with the fact that I can't find my little tin with my blades in it. So instead, I've just been getting high as possible, it's a good thing.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Crazy Times
I am so disgusted with myself, I've had 2 binges in the past 2 days that I couldn't purge after words. What is wrong with me? Am I really just this stupid fat girl? I know I am though... But FUCK! I atleast didn't eat all the day leading up to the binges, so I'm not a total fucking cow.
I've also been having such trouble with my depression, all I do is stay home from school, today was the first day of midterms and I just can't drag myself to actually go. So I'm pretty much destined to repeat 9th grade AGAIN. I really would just like to take my GED so I can just get it over with, but no one will help me take initiative to do it.
Ic an't even bare to weigh myself, I know it's going to be high and it'll just trigger a binge if I see it. It'll trigger a binge if it's low as well, anythign will trigger a binge.
I'm tying this plan: http://thosewithoutdesire.webs.com/apps/blog/show/1552098-four-day-plan
The person who made this one lost 8lbs in 4 days on it. I'm interested enough.
So last year I went to this modelling school, wherein I graduated and now I have an audition for an agency on Saturday. Now to get back at me for being "lazy" (AKA me not going to school because of my depression, but I forgot, I'm just faking it. Right Mom and Dad?) my Dad is saying I can't go. The thing is if I refuse to do an audition, which I have in the past, they get super pissed and chew me out because "WHY DID THEY EVEN FUCKIN PAY FOR IT IF I'M NOT GONNA DO IT?!" They're such fucking hypocrites.
If there's one thing I love it's Star Trek, and in the newest movie there came awesoem thinspo in the form of Zoe Saldana. GO watch it, it's very good. She was also in Center Stage, as that girl who had such an attitude but was a great dancer.
I've also been having such trouble with my depression, all I do is stay home from school, today was the first day of midterms and I just can't drag myself to actually go. So I'm pretty much destined to repeat 9th grade AGAIN. I really would just like to take my GED so I can just get it over with, but no one will help me take initiative to do it.
Ic an't even bare to weigh myself, I know it's going to be high and it'll just trigger a binge if I see it. It'll trigger a binge if it's low as well, anythign will trigger a binge.
I'm tying this plan: http://thosewithoutdesire.webs.com/apps/blog/show/1552098-four-day-plan
The person who made this one lost 8lbs in 4 days on it. I'm interested enough.
So last year I went to this modelling school, wherein I graduated and now I have an audition for an agency on Saturday. Now to get back at me for being "lazy" (AKA me not going to school because of my depression, but I forgot, I'm just faking it. Right Mom and Dad?) my Dad is saying I can't go. The thing is if I refuse to do an audition, which I have in the past, they get super pissed and chew me out because "WHY DID THEY EVEN FUCKIN PAY FOR IT IF I'M NOT GONNA DO IT?!" They're such fucking hypocrites.
If there's one thing I love it's Star Trek, and in the newest movie there came awesoem thinspo in the form of Zoe Saldana. GO watch it, it's very good. She was also in Center Stage, as that girl who had such an attitude but was a great dancer.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Decent Into Madness
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Let's summarize my situation and what I'll mostly write about:
I have been bulimic since 7th grade and have become a pig since I had a depression spell (Which resulted in a week stint at the psych ward).
I've been cutting since I was 9, at the edge of 10.
I have (In the mental illness department):
Bipolar
Anxiety Disorder
OCD
ADD
And just generalized craziness.
H: 5'1"
HW: 130lbs
LW: 103lbs
Time for the show:
Since today is a Saturday I'm just going to be hiding in my room all day, watching crappy movies and playing on the computer.
No where near food.
Let's hope this goes good. I was at 122.8lbs 3 days ago, but I'm too afraid to go and find out how much I weigh. Because just like usual, right when I start doing good... BAM I binge and don't purge.
So I woke up at 3am, I'm so used to waking up then because I fall asleep right after school. had a shower and have been watching TV ever since.
Midterms are this week too, fuck. I'm failing like 3 classes and if I don't make up work this weekend I'll get kicked out right after midterms. Yea, That's how much charter schools suck. And to top it all off my "friends" are a bunch of bitches, which is why I haven't been to school since Wednesday. I mostly have classes with Lipstick, Twink, and Stuck-Up (Yes those are their real initials), We used to be awesome friends at the beginning of the year but then C had a huge bitch thing for 2 months and constantly got mad at me.
So when Twink and me have music theory together he still acts like my friend and we giggle and listen to music. It was Stuck-Up's fault they drifted from me. She would always get pissy when I was around and wanted Twink to be just her best friend and A kinda is just indifferent so I go on my own and hang with some sorta friends.
When Artist has class with us she becomes best friends with them all (Her and Lipstick especially because they're like friends with benefits). No one can really stand me and I just sit with them at lunch and try not to burst out crying becausae they ignore me and talk over me.
But I guess LaLa (Me) doesn't fit with A B C (Lipstick, Twink, Stuck-Up, in that order).
Skinny and me bonded for like a week on account of Broadway blowing her off. Then she became in touch with my "old" friends. Now I'm yet again ingnored.
I'm very lucky I have Soul-Sister. But we barely see each other (About every few months) and she does understand me the best. But I need some substance.
It's times like these I really miss ballet class. I quite back in December after Nutcracker (I hadn't gone to class in a month and was just going to practice, barely). It kept me happy and kept my arms mostly scar free. Now I have to wear long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts everywhere. And I got fat and can't seem to loose it. At least back then I was at 115lbs. NOT great at all, but better than this.
Crazy times I have, I hope after highschool is a bit better.
Let's summarize my situation and what I'll mostly write about:
I have been bulimic since 7th grade and have become a pig since I had a depression spell (Which resulted in a week stint at the psych ward).
I've been cutting since I was 9, at the edge of 10.
I have (In the mental illness department):
Bipolar
Anxiety Disorder
OCD
ADD
And just generalized craziness.
H: 5'1"
HW: 130lbs
LW: 103lbs
Time for the show:
Since today is a Saturday I'm just going to be hiding in my room all day, watching crappy movies and playing on the computer.
No where near food.
Let's hope this goes good. I was at 122.8lbs 3 days ago, but I'm too afraid to go and find out how much I weigh. Because just like usual, right when I start doing good... BAM I binge and don't purge.
So I woke up at 3am, I'm so used to waking up then because I fall asleep right after school. had a shower and have been watching TV ever since.
Midterms are this week too, fuck. I'm failing like 3 classes and if I don't make up work this weekend I'll get kicked out right after midterms. Yea, That's how much charter schools suck. And to top it all off my "friends" are a bunch of bitches, which is why I haven't been to school since Wednesday. I mostly have classes with Lipstick, Twink, and Stuck-Up (Yes those are their real initials), We used to be awesome friends at the beginning of the year but then C had a huge bitch thing for 2 months and constantly got mad at me.
So when Twink and me have music theory together he still acts like my friend and we giggle and listen to music. It was Stuck-Up's fault they drifted from me. She would always get pissy when I was around and wanted Twink to be just her best friend and A kinda is just indifferent so I go on my own and hang with some sorta friends.
When Artist has class with us she becomes best friends with them all (Her and Lipstick especially because they're like friends with benefits). No one can really stand me and I just sit with them at lunch and try not to burst out crying becausae they ignore me and talk over me.
But I guess LaLa (Me) doesn't fit with A B C (Lipstick, Twink, Stuck-Up, in that order).
Skinny and me bonded for like a week on account of Broadway blowing her off. Then she became in touch with my "old" friends. Now I'm yet again ingnored.
I'm very lucky I have Soul-Sister. But we barely see each other (About every few months) and she does understand me the best. But I need some substance.
It's times like these I really miss ballet class. I quite back in December after Nutcracker (I hadn't gone to class in a month and was just going to practice, barely). It kept me happy and kept my arms mostly scar free. Now I have to wear long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts everywhere. And I got fat and can't seem to loose it. At least back then I was at 115lbs. NOT great at all, but better than this.
Crazy times I have, I hope after highschool is a bit better.
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