Let's Hold On!

Filming for the indie pilot/movie is done, and what a trip it was!

I seriously could not have asked for a better experience for my first time in the film industry.

My contract stated that I will be payed in no later than 30 days from filming, this has me in SUCH high spirits! I mean I love to act more than anything, but to be able to actually get paid to seems so foreign in concept. Now I'm most definitely getting paid $150 for it and, for only two nights of filming, it isn't bad at all. But I'm not sure if they'll count rehearsals as work days. If they do I'll be up $300 dollars instead, which is an even better deal.

It was really surreal when the cast was just hanging around during any free moment during the whole experience, maybe it's because I just about never associate with people outside of my own family: I got so many compliments. I kept getting called "Talented/Pretty/Smart/Cute/Adorable/etc." It was such a strong, steady flow that it really knocked me back.

I know that from an outside view I am some of those things, and sometimes I really do believe I am. Then there are just moments and spans of time that I can't see how a person could actually say a thing like that to me. I feel like there are people more deserving of those titles. I think it stems from when I was always over shadowed by my brothers or peers.

It's like this: I'm good at many things, but I do not believe I excel at anything. If that makes much sense.

Man Who Can't Be Moved

Thursday was a pretty rad day.

I had to go to a job counseling place for orientation at 9AM just to be told a rehearsed script and then making an appointment to actually get help with finding a job, friggin' August 19th. I now am going to have to wait for a pretty much meaningless thing, but I know it will put my parents in a better mood for some time.

Then came the shopping.

Not only did I finally get to use my "Free Undies" coupon at Victoria's Secret, but also the "$10 off Bra" one as well, and scoring a sweet free t-shirt as well.

But the good mood didn't end there: Me and mom went to JC Penney's, where there is always a few nice pieces to add to my wardrobe.
I ended up with the purchase of:
-Size 1 (!!!) skinny jeans (I never could wear REAL skinny jeans in a 1)
-4 undies from the clearance rack (I love when that happens)
-a SUPER adorable PJ set (Which has just the right amount of sexy/cute


I set unrealistic goals.

Constantly.

It's just who I am, I suppose.

So I thought I'd set myself a much more reachable goal for once, 110lbs by August 12th.

~All of that was written Friday, the 29th. I was going to post but I completely forgot.

I finally made a step towards my future, we sent in the admissions form for the esthetician program. I don't feel strongly about that being a career path, but my parents will not let me just take a year off... I think I just feel like this now because I'm a touch depressed, yet also because I don't want to grow up any more. I can only imagine myself in such a nondescript way when I think of the future: I can never see myself past being in my early to mid 20's, I of course will fantasize about having kids and a husband, or being on Broadway, or living in a foreign country. But fantasy is different that actually picturing truly what will happen.

Not much else in my pathetic life.

I went to my first rehearsal Sunday, me and the other two youngest (21 and 19) have a little clique, discussing video games, sci-fi, and the likes. But that's about all on that frontier.

Clark Kent asked me to go to an antique car show at some 1940's style diner on Saturday, I said yes. I don't know why I did, I mean it'd disappoint him if I didn't, but going with him on what he most definitely considers a date seems so bitchy and leading him on in general.

I don't like him romantically at all.

Maybe I want to see what it feels like to have someone's undivided attention.

Or maybe I want to pretend I'm a normal girl and not at all carrying too much baggage for that clueless boy to handle.

He's a nice, rich boy with a promising future, who -For some crazy fucking reason- has a crush on me.

I completely feel like I don't deserve him, not even his one-sided love.

I want to like him for the simple benefit of having someone who would love me so much, but I can't see him like that.

One day, I hope I can feel like I deserve good things. And believe it.

So Many Little Things

My mom is getting more shifty about my eating: Yesterday morning she started a conversation with her saying "SO are you not eating anymore?" in that what's up with you/trying to, but failing, at being eloquent if you can't be subtle tone.

So then I had to play normal teenager and ask her to make me an omelet.

She left.

I binged.

I purged.

She came back at 7, I then passed off some aforementioned binge food as my dinner.

Then we went to a sale at a store (Me being pretty happy about trying on clothes with the fact that I'm an extra-small in Miss/Women and a small in juniors even in the sweatshirt sleeves: being that I have chunky arms), on the way back she kept pushing and pushing getting a drink or ice cream from any fast food place. It was getting to the point of me using a short and strong "No" at every point she talked.

I am relieved that I'll be 18 in 3 months, then I won't have as much forcing from my parents on much (But I bet they'll still be just as anxiety-causing about getting my license/finding what I want to do int the fall for school/get a job if you're going to be a fucking bitch).

Even if they threaten to kick me out (Which I want so badly, just to get the fuck out of here. I just have to save up enough money, or start a relationship with this guy who wants to do the same except he has actual money), I could care less.

But, I do have to be more careful though, I'm still underage for a bit and I would hate to go back to the psych ward or anything like that.

I also have the doctor's this coming Wednesday, any good weighing tips?

I'm already going to put batteries in my bra, wear heavier jewelry, and try to drink 2 bottles of water...

In Our Bedroom After The War

Ew, ballooned up to 120lbs.

Although I know it's really because I go through starve/binge/purge combinations so regularly that it's such a shock to my system to have actual food in it stay. Resulting in me not having a ahem movement until I have an adderall (Which most certainly DOES stimulate me). It's almost all pretty much back up, considering I was 114lbs Thursday, pre-binge.

The ways an eating disorder can ruin one's body.

All in all, I really just need to wait this out, with a bit of self-control here and there.

Today is quite the eventful day for me: I'm going to the movies tonight with my brother, his fiancee (Such a sweetheart, damn I love her, I wish she was my real sibling), and the fiancee's brother to see Bad Teacher (I would much rather see Transformers or X-Men). FB (Fiancee's brother) is 15, so I'm not coming on to him, but I still have a need to dress up cutely. I believe it stems from me never going out/seeing real people, being social outside the confines of the internet is probably the best way to describe it. I'll bring my own drink in my purse, like my mother taught me :), it'll give me an excuse to not get calorie laden soda, and I can just always pass on food like I do when Clark Kent takes me to the movies.

I feel like going out shopping today, might just have to drag my mom out, when she wakes up that is. She and I were talking about going out dress shopping for aforementioned brother's wedding next July. I'm a unofficial bridesmaid (My brother already told me I am one, he just said to act surprised when his girl, Pinkie, asks me), so I'm set, but my mom needs a mother-of-the-groom dress. I suggested that it might be best to get it now, considering that places will have things in the summer palette/cut that will be best next year. The thing about my family is that we never really go to any specialty shops for shopping, we just go to the mall and department stores. The only time I've ever gotten anything fitted or hemmed is when I was in my older middle brother's wedding as a bridesmaid. A show of why I barely ever buy long dresses and how hard it is for me to find pants that don't need to be shortened.

The things one can get accomplished and/or feel like doing on medication before normal people wake up on Saturdays.

Right now I keep distracting myself with the fact that I have to plan out my outfit for the KISS concert I'm going to Tuesday. Then I have the Harry Potter midnight premiere Thursday, which I still have to find someone to go with me! I desperately need someone to go with, seeing that Twirl's away for a month (Family gathering in the South every summer and her dance program in Connecticut), agh gotta find someone...I might have to bribe my cousin.

I must ask this: Have you readers ever heard Stars? They're a pretty rad Canadian band, mainly indie, but with amazing orchestral/techno/rock/musical parts to them. It's really a trip to hear most of it! Try Calendar Girl/Tonight/In Our Bedroom After The War/The Night Starts Here/Your Ex-Lover Is Dead for starters. And if you're going to get an album I suggest Set Yourself On Fire or In Our Bedroom After The War. Seriously, go listen, it's worth it.

International Rock Star

Biggest news in the DAMN WORLD: I'm gonna be in a indie TV pilot/movie! It's even paid, although it isn't much, it's enough for an actual breakout. I'm even going to have my own IMDB page!!!

I'm going to be playing a hippie barrister in a coffee shop, Cheers-type show. It's going to premiere at a film festival in New England- AND OHMIGOSH I'M GOING TO BE A REAL ACTRESS!

Hair

Trying to decide if I want to get a bottom belly button piercing in addition to already having a top one..

Or should i just get my tragus(s) re-pierced (I had to take them out in October when I went to that RTC), I’ve been wanting to do that for awhile as well (I only have enough money for one though).

UGH, I just want to get a new something! New school year soon, either beauty school or Floral Design (Possibly actual college), and I just want some type of thing to differentiate myself from “little girl” me.

Talk You Down

You know you're having a breakdown when your mom buys you a laptop stand and you burst out crying because you don't have room for it... It's just an all over bad day, and this is pissing me off beyond belief/more than it should.

-I have no plans for this year
-I have barely any friends
-My brothers don't want anything to do with me, they never do
-I pretty much am never going to do anything in life
-I really need to get away from my family, they contribute way to much to the toxicity of my disorders
-I just really need to get high

I'm trying with all of my self control not to cut, as it will be so fucking hard to cover up in this weather. At the very least I would like to smash my head/arms again a wall a few times to calm me down enough, but that's kind of hard with my dad in the house.

My mom not being here makes it even more clear how co-dependent I am. I hate that my parents made me like this. I hate it. It's so hard to stand up for myself, even to talk to people on the phone. I get afraid of being anywhere by myself, even places I know.

I really don't get how I'll ever be able to live past 20, at the very least.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Lose Yourself

Besides being so undecided/not caring about some kind of secondary education this year(A sign of BPD), I've been trying to decide if I should just go for something creative, such as floral design or cosmetology.

There's a few catches:
-Just about no GOOD schools for either subject in NH.
-A select few in MA are good.
-The ones in MA are so damn far away, and to do it 6 days a week, driving about an hour or more each way, for over a year, will suck.

So there's my little ditty.

It looks like I'll either have a breakdown from how much time I'll waste doing this

I wish one of you girls knew of a good school near you and were willing to put up with lil' ol' me as a roomie... But that's kind of a pipe dream.

At this point I'm pretty pissed/depressed about the fact I really can't get any kind of education in New England, although I already knew I couldn't make much of a life here.

I binged yesterday, eating:
2 apples with greek yogurt
1 medium Italian sub (my weakness)

I then fell alseep, waking up at 12AM to consume:
I can of Pregresso clam chowder, with around 12 water crackers.
2 pieces of roast beef, 3 broccoli (With sooo much butter on them), 3/4 cup beans and rice, and 8 wedges of potatoes.

I hate how much I fail at losing weight, I already took some uppers to help as a laxative effect and to boost my metabolism.. I have no idea why, when ever I hit 118lbs, I always binge and gain weight again, maybe it's because I think "Hey, you deserve a reward for how thin you got yourself!", then I get so tired after not eating then binging, leading to me sleeping, then it gets out of control.

I weighed myself today, before any stimulant, and I was 126lbs. After I kept running to the bathroom for *ahem* the fact my intestines keep dispelling the results of my binge, I had gotten to 123lbs. So maybe by tomorrow I can be around 122lbs, which would be a godsend in this shitty situation.

Songbird

Now you can see my super chubby arms. I actually was 125lbs (Maybe 124lbs) in this pic, glad to say I've lost, even if it was only a few pounds, I will probably take this down in a few days, because if I ever do become a famous actor, (FAT chance) I would hate for my Pro-ED days to bite me in the ass, probably forcing me to do ED PSAs for the rest of my career.
Haha, finally a picture of me, the hair was glorious until I finally took a shower after the party/sleepover and had to brush out MEGA-knots from the teasing the hairdresser did..

Mich, I did just put in a few blue streaks Thursday, but they faded out in 2 days, now they're like this greyish-black, which actually compliments my hair because I Put it underneath. You can't really see it in any photos though, it just blends in with the shadows off my face onto my lower hair.

Which reminds me, I never did tell you guys the aftermath at Twirl's. One girl, we'll call her Goody, said that Paul Blart date raped her. Now we were all sleeping next to each other on the floor and I remember waking up (I was next to him) to her and him moaning and breathing hard, she was definitely into it. Now I don't want to go victim blaming, I think it's despicable, but there ARE people who lie about being raped for attention. Twirl has told me many incidents where she tries to be "one-of-the-fucked-up-in-crowd", blurting out she goes to a therapist, among other things... And she also said to anyone who would hear her say that she wasn't a virgin, the day after it happened. When she left there was NO signs of trauma, not only that, she made jokes and even exchanged phone numbers. When I first heard her story of waking up with her pants down (She had a klonopin, an addie [Both the lowest dose], which would cancel each other out, and she had tiny sips of vodka), I told her to go to a free clinic, get checked out, and maybe go to some rape survivors meetings. I was as supportive as I could be.

Just around a week or two ago, Twirl calls me to tell me that she isn't allowed to do anything out of the house, can't use her phone (She sneaked it), and is pretty much stuck inside her house until next fall, unless it has to do with dance or something. Goody's parents called her mom to tell her what happened (I kind of get why they would call, but this is just fucking over Twirl's family), and her mom is in fear of losing her job, as she's works at a women's shelter (Or something like that) and could get fired over this kind of stuff.

Then, she tried to change her story to that it happened over another girl's house, when prom was well over. She's also now saying she was drugged, but she was very responsive before we all fell asleep, which was about 2 hours after we finished our vodka and pot/few pills. This means that the drug would have hit her system by then. She never left her cup and I saw her take those two pills, I KNOW they were what they were. Her parents informed the school, they took Twirl out of class to interrogate her. Good thing she knows that they can't do shit if anything happens and it's not on school grounds. She keeps having little slip-ups and adding more things to the story. So, sorry to say, I have to side with Twirl.

Maybe it's because my brother (In the Air Force), who bought everything for this girl to come to Texas with him because she had to get her kid back. Then he get s LOAN out because he has to buy a ticket for her back to see her "dying mother" (Now we know that she went partying with some scumbag friends), my mom then had to drive TWELVE hours to bring her from a friend's house to a hotel. This chick had said, which is one of the MANY reasons she was kicked out of the military, my brother got her pregnant. She told her superior officers and, well, she got caught very easily in her lie. She lied about having cancer, and the "meds" she was taking were (We guess) barbiturates of some type.

So fast forward to a few weeks ago, she had stolen my brother's secret stash of emergency money, and denied it. Then a few days later, my brother comes back to his apartment to see it ransacked, with even his clothes gone. He had jewelry, accumulated over such a long time, and she took his gun. Now she has had so many bouts of suicidal depression and crazed anger, so she was quite a threat. This bitch stole everything of his, my brother managed to track her down (Largely with my mom's help and the fact that the girl is so stupid to post shit on her Facebook), she was out with her friend she was staying with, but the friend's dad gave my brother the TV she took, which was actually her's, but fuck her. we all assume she pawned most of his shit (Some of her "friends" stepped forward, after my mom showed them the evidence of ALL of her lies) to say she would pawn it on the street if she couldn't sell it at a shop. He managed a few days later to catch her at another scumbag's house, and took all of her shit out of her car, even HER clothes.

In her suitcases there were letters from her to her girlfriend and vise verse. She said she was playing him and taking every cent she could get, etc.. Not surprising for a bitch who said her mom was dead/dying so much, told everyone her mom was an addict/whore, she turned her therapist and her grandma against her mother, saying her father (Or as she would say to us her step-father, even though he really was her real dad and her sisters all are related both maternally and paternally to her). Her parents, it turns out, are a very christian conservative family, and she didn't excell the way her sister did so she would go do drugs and get fucked. Her parents finally had enough of her not making any effort to change, so they sent her to her grandma's. Who foolishly believed every lie,

My brother comes home from work the day after to find his gun on his doorstep, where anyone could have stolen it. She had also taken his collector money stash and used it as real cash (Wasting it's value to the nth degree, the stupid whore).

Now, probably two weeks or so ago, she goes to his base commander and tells him my brother raped her. Now what is common knowledge in that particular base, is that if you are accused of rape/similar things, they'll do just about ANYTHING to kick you out.

This girl first made me hate her when she got her kid taken away, back when she was in the military. She told my brother her little girl was taken away because she left her at home alone while she went to go party all night long. Did I mention her kid was 2 at the time? We just recently found out she actually locked her in a room, without ventilation, in the summer, with just a bowl of cereal, and didn't come back for 3 days. She would also have strangers, not to mention strange men and scumbags, babysit her daughter and she could give a shit, as long as she had her own thing. She would cry about how her husband was hiding her kid from her and that the husband had the kid with his trailer park relatives (Her kid's blossoming under the relatives care, seeing as how she could barely talk at 2 because that bitch would never do anything with her, like communicate or play. She also didn't tell us that the reason she never would get her kid back [Which was the whole reason for her coming to live with my brother] was because if she ever showed up for any of the MULTIPLE hearings, that she would have to pay child support, not to mention she would mostly likely be arrested because she embezzled thousands from the military), as he was on active duty in Iraq. She also claimed he would beat her up, but you have to take each thing she says with a grain of salt.

And that is my long winded rant on why I hate girls who lie about being raped, because they just HAVE to have some type of Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Which we realized long ago that my dad has as well..). And they make it harder for justice to be done on the behalf of REAL rape victims.

Clark Kent is still as in love with me as ever, I went to his Grad party, at this beach near his parents' summer condo in Maine. Not joking, I was the most attractive person in the group. His friends are the kind that make geeky jokes and are pretty cool kids, seeing as I don't have to obey high school hierarchy. But here's the kicker.

He asked me out.

Oh my.

He kept stuttering over his words and I just put the blank, curious look on my face, like I didn't know what he was gonna say. He finally spit it out, wording it in a way that was just endearing "I like you, uh, er, um, etc, etc, etc, will you be in a relationship with me, like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I already had steady waves of panic rising in me, but that last utterance just hurt me, because I knew how much it would hurt him. So I thought of the first thing that popped into my head, "I like you too, but we barely know each other, and I need to get to know someone first." Then I twisted the proverbial knife farther in, "That doesn't mean no, it just means I don't really know you yet."

I'm hoping he gives up on this silly endeavor, he's leaving for school in early July. I just don't like him like that, and I know that nice guys everywhere would probably hate me for realizing this and hating the feeling but not being with the kid. Am I supposed to be with him as a pity fuck, to save his feelings? The world is cruel and I feel horrible for instilling more hurt in the long run. I hope he finds a wonderful partner that will love everything he does, and see him for hwo just nice of a person he is. To quote a great song:

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

I think Punk might be in prison, he stopped calling and he won't return my Facebook messages, like he's not on Facebook at all. I have a hunch he's in prison, as I kept getting call's from a weird number, then I picked it u and it was the county prison asking if I would accept the charges, I wouldn't, so I hung up. But I got probably 9 of them of 3 days, so yeah. Prisooon.

There another boy from the GED class that likes me, what is up with me attracting almost 19 year old losers who don't have a license? This other kid is in a screamo band *gag me*, although I listened to one song and there was a part with him singing, and he's got a decent voice. He's at least cute (Punk just is so forgettable because he's so average), but he has gauges, and big ones at that. Now I'm not gonna knock other peoples' things, but I personally do not like them. I think they're something little, awkward white kids get to have more cred and instantly become a bit more interesting. This is just what I've observed in New England.

But this kid is one of those hard core atheist and I got into a discussion with him about how I personally don't care what anybody is, as long as they don't shove it in my face, and that I believe in all paths to god. He said he "completely agreed with me except to say that there is no god". That isn't even the worst hypocrite move, he had his Facebook status about how he woke up early to take out the trash and he sneezed as his neighbor was walking past, the neighbor said "God bless you." He "then proceeded to scream at the top of my lungs that god does not exist. Personal opinion. I think she knows my beliefs now." First things first, that phrase is so watered down that it's just that, a phrase. I HIGHLY doubt anyone these days believes they need to bless you before your soul gets stolen. Second, How can he judge people for even just believing in any kind of god, not even saying shit to him, yet he is on a tier because he is soooo much smarter than anyone who practices any type of religion, seriously, kinda undecided here, trying not to judge people in accordance with my rule of thumb, treat them how you want to be treated, that's why it's so hard for me to be mean to people's faces.

He also takes super stereotypes and makes them him personal opinions, which means he will shove them in your face. Here's a few more examples:
"why is it that girls are either really pretty, or really fucking hideous? Like wheres my in the middle girl?"

Here's the most anger stirring one for me:
Screamo:The pretty girls that all the guys drool over in my opinion are the ugliest.

His-one-smart-friend: And here is something I'm going to argue against....
If the girl is drooled over and is one that hates it because that's how she was born and grew up into.. she has no choice... they can't help what they have become... and if they are the ugliest bcuz of the way they act... not all are the ones that are a bitch/slut. There are the ones that can care about something bsides themselves

Screamo: you know what i mean dude, like sluts who dress up everyday trying to impress the world, that is just not appealing to me, a girl who is pretty and doesnt do all that. thats what you want man.

His-one-smart-friend-that-just-got-idiotic: that is what I agree with, but tonight I've been taking everything wrong.. so I'm sorry for reading it wrong.

Haha, this also makes me think, has he ever fuckin' MET me? He should see me get dressed, fussing over every bulge, take up to 45 minutes to do my make up because I can't afford to be any uglier than I feel like I am.

Now onto weight and food.

After Friday/yesterday's (Yes, I actually went into another day because I kept eating) epic binge lasting over 12 hours and only being able to purge some of it, I was so afraid to look at the scale.

Even though I had been very active yesterday and on my prescribed dose of addies (Which I may have taken at the same time, instead of one then another later…), I didn’t get the chance to use the new, more accurate scale upstairs (My parents’ room is connected to it, too risky), so I get out my old scale, which has been around since the start of my ED, and step on it.

…

…

…

121.4lbs. WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is absolutely, insanely good for just how MUCH I was binging (I weighed all the way up to 125lbs. While. Still. Eating.). And I know that my old scale shows you up to 3lbs more than you actually are, fingers crossed that it’s under 120lbs.

So while my mom is gone, my dad decided to take off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Jeeeeeeezzz. That man is just determined to spend time together. And today happens to be Fathers' Day, so in like an hour or so I have to start making breakfast for him and my brothers, who are coming to take him out golfing super early (They did ask me to come, but it was more out of obligation after I asked why didn't I know about it?). The good point about making breakfast is that I ALWAYS eat when I'm making it, especially since I'm also making bacon. I can say I ate while cooking. Since I made it through a day, I can resist temptation. So they'll be gone before 8AM, meaning I can finally nude sunbathe (I want to put a shaped sticker on my hip to get tan imprint), take a shower, and maybe finally go to fucking sleep.

But I know if I sleep, I will not wake up to make breakfast and I'm so tired of fucking something up because of the fact that I can't sleep like a normal person, like when I don't see my brothers for weeks, because I'm passed out sleeping from staying up a night or two.

I think I might actually be able to get to my first goal weight this week, 115lbs. I would be so greatful for that, but then it would suck going to the doctor's in 5 weeks (To get my refill of my Adderall) and have lost 7-8lbs since they last saw me. I've consistently lost 2-3lbs, to their knowledge because they don't know I try to drink at least one bottle of water before hand, but it's a bit on the undetectable side right now. I still have the excuse that I am not hungry on days when I have the aforementioned drug (Which is a true statement), and it would have more back up, seeing as how she gave me my old ones back, the XRs made me a bit depressed, and she pretty much double the dose, 20mg in the morning, then repeat in the afternoon.

I'll have to fill myself with water and then wear something I can shove batteries and such in to weigh more.

My bra.

I feel so much better unloading this, even if it did take 3 hours to write.

Go The Distance

Being around people my age always triggers binges (Especially full day binges). This is the reason as to why i hate hanging out with people that are my age. I feel like it's so much easier to get out of eating with my family than anyone else.
from 119lbs, Thursday, to 122.5lbs. I know it would have been more if I didn't get really fucked up and play dance games on Wii this morning (Saturday), so thank goodness for crazy, cool k-pins. Although it seems so crazy/hilarious now, how weird I was, playing Micheal Jackson Dance. I not only broke my old scores, I was just so freaking high doing so I'll have to do this today, as it really WAS a great workout.

Failure.

Tomorrow I'm going to fast, which is not at all hard now that I have uppers. But I binged like 2 hours ago and now I NEED to go take a "long" shower AKA purge to my heart's content.

I need to get hair dye, as it's time for my monthly recoloring. I've also been thinking about getting blue streaks under my hair and (If you've seen this newest fashion accessory) that long fishing feather in my hair. It looks super cool, but there's not many places around here that do it, eh I'll see. Then again, they ARE quite hipster.

Don't Stand So Close To Me

I just want to start this out by saying:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME THAT WEIRD BOYS ALWAYS FRIGGIN' LIKE ME?!

I met this kid from my GED program last Thursday (Everyone from the year graduates together), Punk. We talked a bit, because I was talking to another girl about Harry Potter and he joined, then Friday we graduated. He was super into me, kept showing up where ever I was, then asks for my number. He then proceeded to call a bunch that weekend, but I was super busy so I didn't have time to call him back. Then he calls Tuesday and we made plans to hang out Thursday. In this conversation he said "You know, I'm just gonna say it, you're really cute." and ask me out (I said I have to get to know him better before I can decide something like that). Okay then.

We went to the mall to hang out, my mom won't let me go to his house (Even though my brothers could at my age, but whatevs).

Here's a few instances of things that happened:

-The whole time he got increasingly more touchy, holding my shoulder, then my hand, and then my waist. We also kissed/made out a bit, but to me it means absolutely nothing. But when he would initiate the more serious make out (I was fine with the small, few kisses type), I would pull away and tell him about how I don't like to mix very public places and displays of affection, because it weirds me out.

-We saw little kids and smiled at them, saying how cute they were to each other, and saying how we wanted kids (Separately of course, but just in a far off, future kind of way). Then, all of a sudden, he like rubs my stomach and says how I could get pregnant with his kid, I forgot what he said, I said "Uhh, I'm too young.", still rubbing my stomach he's saying "Not yet, not yet."

-He told me that his last two girlfriends were FIFTEEN (He's 19, to show the reason as to why I think that's unsettling)!!!

-I had the feeling he might think we're "something" because he was talking about cheating and stuff. I then told him "I guess we're sort of dating, but we are not going steady." (One thing I hate about teenagers, they can't seem to differentiate between the two, not until you are in your 20's or so do you)

When I woke up today (Friday) at 4PM, I got onto Facebook to find a RELATIONSHIP REQUEST from him! I proceeded to go onto his profile to see he is in a relationship and a few of his friends commented on it, asking who I was, etc.. He then said my full name, instead of just saying something like "This chick I know, Dusty." I had like 3 friend request from friends of his as well. I also saw that he changed his relationship at 6PM Thursday!!! At this point I was just kind of astounded, I also wanted to binge just so I could purge. Mostly I just wanted to purge.

I plug in my phone to charge and see around 7 texts from him from yesterday, containing such words as "Babe","Baby girl", and "Boo".

Say whaaat?

Punk also was in juvie, has a PO, and gets drug tested weekly by said PO. Now I won't judge him for that, as I have met lots of great people who've had that kind of shit. But he told me why he went to juvie was because he fucked up this kid's house, and "If I met the kid, I would do the same, 'cause he just talks shit". I really do not think I would, as I'm not a vengeful person and I think that's pretty dickish.

He's a typical kid from his town (Which is the one next to mine), kinda scummy, lower class, wears baggy clothes, and kinda forgettable. The type that would saddle me down to live in New Hampshire MY WHOLE LIFE, UHH NO THANK YOU.

As a summer kind of guy, I could care less. But he does seem pretty codependent and clingy.

I know I completely have to talk to him to get things straight but I'll wait a little bit, I need a day to process what i should say. I want him to call, if I do i feel like there's too much of an agenda, and that I'd be a bit bitchy.

The thing is, I don't really know him AT ALL and I can't really get a feel for him AS I'VE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR A DAMN WEEK. I just need some fucking advice, where is Judy Blume when I need her?

Other than that tidbit, I have been maintaining a low weight of 119lbs-123lbs this whole week. Yesterday I binged, so I'm at 122lbs, but still great results.

Cooler Than Me

AH, finally had a moment to blog.

So I went on a sorta friend get together/this boy totes FUCKIN' BROUGHT ME ON A GODDAMN DATE. Seriously though, Clark Kent is like the most polite, chivalrous boy ever.

I am so glad that I'm on Adderall XR now, me and him went for lunch (I just want to seem like a normal girl, that there's nothing wrong with me ever), and I could only eat half of the sandwich, four chips, and a bite of the other half.

I'm at 122.5lbs right now, I feel so fucking good about that.

Set Yourself On Fire

My goodness, girls. I have been away for much too long.

I really have no idea why I've been away, I think it's just that I've been too wrapped up in life. Since I quit regular school, any kind of small activity that involves me going out of the house requires so much energy, but it's always been like that. Maybe I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, who knows?

I've finished my GED! It's such great news, but now I'm second guessing pretty much any choice about what to do next year. I'm leaning towards going to school part-time and doing beauty school. Or just go to school and then be a flight attendant after getting a degree in a language (Which means that I could do international flights, instead of staying in the country).

I don't know.

Freaking out over this.

Weight wise: I still keep going to the low 120's then I binge for a few days and get myself back to where I started. I know why (Scientifically and such), but I really have to fucking stop this shit.

Right now I'm at 127-128lbs after a 3 day binge on horrible foods.

Not only this, prom is on Friday, so this is now a time to see how much weight I can lose. That kid who's taking me, Clark Kent, has a serious case of Hover Hand (Look it up, trust me, it's hilarious). He's so super polite and he OPENS doors for me (Which I think is sorta weird, feminism happened but it's a nice gesture). I luckily am just like a geeky little boy, so we talk about Star Trek and all that good stuff. He also definitely seems to come from a rich family, he has a VERY nice car as proof.

Still, our personailties completely clash if you take out books and sci-fi/fantasy as our interests. I'm too quirky, loud, and not a "good girl", as far as drugs and such. And he already invited me to come with him to graduation parties with him, he just HAS to have a crush on me.

I WAS going to wear that Mila Kunis replica dress to prom, but now I can't as it was made in a way that it really can't be altered. So me and my mom went to the mall and got a dress for 30 bucks, pretty great deal, huh? I even got some super cute shoes that have ruffled, fabric flowers on the front. I'll post a picture of me in the whole ensemble, then you can finally see what I actually look like.

After prom I'm sleeping over Twirl's house with 3 other girls and this boy whom I used to be pretty good friends with in 7th grade (He left the school, and middle school is kinda a hard place to keep friendships), we'll just call him Paul Blart. I'm semi in charge of providing some pills, as we all have to bring some things.

Anyways, I need to go and get caught up on everyone's blog and exercise the hell out of myself for tomorrow.

Maybe This Time

Didn't dye eggs (I completely could have but I feel so horrible and I put my mom down for not having the dye kit we got, then I just couldn't go back and apologize), I feel like talking my feelings out more.

I think I'm having a reaction to these Adderall, after I take them they only work for about 1-2 hours (Which I know means I need my dosage adjusted), but afterwards I feel so absolutely numb and-not sad- but like breathing or getting out of bed is too much effort, almost depressed. It doesn't feel like a withdrawal, but like the stimulants were the only thing keeping me above the water, they definitely make me more socialble. I feel right on the edge of crying, seriously need to watch a sad movie or something right now to help it along.

This definitely sounds like I might have to get a new med if this depression (Which is one of the side effects, especially in people with some mood disorders) doesn't go away.

Damn, I'm really hoping for Vyvanse. This shit was CRAZY good. It worked for HOURS and never decrease over time on how effective it was, but that might have to do with the fact that the chick gave me 70mg ones.

Shock To The System

I looked through those papers more and found that (This was in 9th grade) I was diagnosed with:
Bipolar I (hich makes no sense as one of the BIG MUSTS is that you have delusions/hallucinations)- It would make more sense to have Type II or Rapid Cycling
Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia
OCD
ADHD
r/o EDNOS (WTF does r/o mean?)

This was before the hospital, where I was then diagnosed with Borderline (I know a lot of people with it and I really am not like them, but I could just have a mild case).

And in that report I found that my mom totally did find my thinspo journal (I know I'm not the only one who puts thinspo quotes/pictures in a book), I'm just shocked that she never confronts me about like anything... Must be how I got my passive-agressive non-confrontational attitude.

Right now I'm at 125.5lbs, thanks to a stupid Chinese binge last night.

There's open auditions for The Winter's Tale a few towns over, I think I might try out, seeing as you don't even need a monologue, just a cold reading. I'm brushing up on my Shakespeare this weekend, the audition is Monday.

OH! I forgot to tell you girls I got my prom dress, if anyone saw the Oscars' this year, I'm getting a rip-off one of Mila Kunis' purple one.

SOrry to make this short, I've got to dye eggs for tomorrow.

Animal

Yesterday I finally went to a new doctor. I haven't had one in a few months, seeing as my last one kicked me out for never coming to appointments, it's okay though she was a total bitch. This new doctor is a hollistic one, so no vaccines for me! My family all has super adverse reactions to vaccines (One, brother went deaf in one ear, one had seizures and became developmentally delayed [resulting in mild autism], and I had horrible ear aches, vomit, and run high fevers.

We also had to bring my medical records with me, that were mailed from my old doctors' office to us. My mom told me I could take out anything I wanted to and I immediately took out about half of it that either mentioned: Drugs, drug testing, general craziness, or my ED. Although I did leave a paper or two that said I'm Bipolar type 1 (Which makes no sense to me, as to have that I need to have delusions, hallucinations, and/or psychosis, none of which I've ever suffered from, I believe I'm actually type 2) that they diagnosed in 5th grade.

I believe I came off as a precocious, articulate, and friendly girl. I love this new doc because of the simple fact she listens to me and lets me bounce ideas off as to why this-or-that could be. I told her about my anxiety and ADHD, how I can deal with days when I'm not at school/outside and how I work myself in a manic state because of how anxious I can get...

This bitch is now the owner of Klonopin and Adderall prescriptions.

Effing amazing is all I can say.

I also talked with Twirl today about dance, we both are going to quit. The director keeps changing the choreography every week, and there's only around 5 more preactices or so. I just can't deal with the ever changing/not stable shit, especially since I'm mediocore at dance.

Dangerous Game

You could most definitely say I had a total moment of teen angst... So I took up Mich-styled drawing to express myself to my mom.

And change her wallpaper to this.

Ha.

Ha.

...Ha.

I have to say my drawing skills with a mouse have improved, especially since I can not navigate on my mom's Windows 7 (I use classic Windows, as I don't need nothin' fancy [I did find Paint after the fact]) I did find an awesome paint site though.

I just can not take the fact that my mom always tells me to stand up for myself, when she can't do the same.I would be able to just ignore her stupid talk, if it wasn't for the fact that she constantly has to complain about how others act all the time and "What she'd do in their/my position" when she won't do a fucking thing about her own life.

I had managed to get from 129-130lbs on Wednesday to 126lbs by Friday. Never under estimated the power on a girl on half a ritalin, 5 sudafeds, and 4 midol. I realize this will most likely reck my liver, and the rest of my body, in the long run. I simply don't care much anymore, especially since I've been this "hardcore" (Ugh I hate that term) since I was 12. Well that's what happens when you take your first Oxy in 6th grade, what a wild child I was/am.

Live fast, die hard.

Oh jeez, there's me sounding like a stupid bitch.

I also worked out while watching the first season of Kyle XY and Just One of The Boys.

Too bad I just threw it away last night, binging on cereal, chinese, a sandwich, fruit, yogurt, an omelet, and toast.

Disgusting.

All I can hope for is that I fast today, then my metabolism will jump start from the fasting and binging, so that I'll be back to 126lbs by Monday.

Misery

This is what I binge on. The Cookies n' Cream bunny I ate all today, as a B&P type thing. The cake is something that I got from my GED place, they run a foodbank there, and when they get too much of the same thing they need to throw it away or give it to someone, so they give the GED kids bags of food then. I took it home with some other things and just snuck it up to my room to have as my secret shame.

My goodness, I love to eat like a fat kid.

Don't ya'll just love my Disney Princess pillowcase? I also have a Hogwarts crest one as well.

Tomorrow I have school, which is now a reduced day, seeing as all I have to do now is just my math practice test and then take writing and math for real. Then Friday I have to go in (Even though I no longer have any classes to be done on Friday because the teacher wants me to go in to see this woman from the Art Institute come and talk.

I kinda don't want to be done, because then what the fuck else am I going to do with my time until like June? Once a week dance rehearsal. I really need a job which, when I finish my GED and get back teh results (Probably around 3 weeks), I can start applying for some actual good ones.

One thing the head woman for the modelling school said was that we need to expand our photo portfolio, and there are so many photography student on craigslist looking for models in exchange for the photos they take. My mom says that they're going to take naked photos and rape me (Seriously). I know craigslist has a lot of crazy shit going on, but the point is, one of my parents will drive me, and they definitely have to stay on set (Just like they do in profession shoots), so what's the big fucking deal?

Also, tomorrow is the day the kids are going to some grocery store to go and do a project of having ten minutes and a ten dollar budget to create a healthy meal. The head woman asked me to go, and I of course hate saying no to people, didn't disagree, but didn't agree either. I don't want to go at all because of this fact. I could care less about making a healthy meal, seeing as I either won't eat or eat anything I can get my hands on.

Then there's the fact that my mom has to babysit my niece tomorrow, as she does just about EVERY FUCKING DAY. This gets me so angry that my brother's wife pawns her kid on my mom, and by proxy myself, so she can go and work. And guess what? She only works so she can have money to spend, it's not even out of necessity. Then she and my brother complain how they have no money, yet my brother just bought a motorcycle and an electric scooter, and his wife goes out every week with her friends drinking and getting her nails done. They are also DEFINITELY on their way to becoming alcoholics, so imagine how much money they spend on booze. On top of this, they never give my mom a single cent, even though she feeds the kid. My mom also has to take out my old baby clothes (I was the only girl) and put them on the kid because my brother's wife can't even pack clothes for her for the day, then she take our toys and MY baby clothes (Whihc I want for MY kid) and doesn't give them back. She also has the nerve to say "Boohoo I can't do clutter, I can't even wash my own clothes because of all of the clutter in my basement". God, can she just admit she's a lazy little whore?

My mom wants to go see my grandma tomorrow because she's really sick and is being very much so abused by my crazy aunt who lives with her (And swe can't get her kicked out of my grandma's house, because the fucking legal system blows). The only thing is, my brother's wife is working tomorrow and can't find another babysitter (Of course she can't, because my mom is the only one who's willing to bend over backwards to do anything for her, even her sisters won't do shit unless there's something for them involved). We've also had to miss important doctors' appointments because of this bitch. If I complain about it in front of my brother he just says "Well it's not your house!", uh yes it actually is. Seeing as I'm underage I can't legally go anywhere else to live. It's not like I can just walk to the store (We live in the boonies), or even drive anywhere (I need more driving hours to go and take my driving test, but no one will practice with me). I am at the point where I am so stressed whenever I see the baby that I flip out/cry/get tension headaches because I am so tired of how this is.

The Point of It All

Something absolutely amazing happened.

I made it.

Out of 400+ girls they took 60, I was one of them.

In June, I'll be going to a showcase (Where you can win prizes/scholarships to go on to do a bigger showcase) where there will be 20+ agents and managers from the Boston area, New York, Los Angeles, and Europe. This also includes Broadway and modelling representatives.

I might be able to actually make my dream a reality, without having to give it up because I want to be realistic and pessimistic.

Oh my god, girls.

I have to really, REALLY commit to getting skinny. And lose my red hair, as they said it was too much. I'll miss that so much, but I've been thinking of it for some time.

More importantly, I can show my talent for singing, or if I want, dancing.

I just can't believe it.

White Houses

I've actually found an actress that I sorta look like, if anyone has seen the US version of Being Human, I look a tad like Rebecca. At the beginning of the season, when her hair was WAY red and she had a bit more bold bangs (I happen to have both of). Although she has more of a sharp, angular face. I inherited the flat, roundish face from my Polish ancestry (For some reason, I always get asked if I'm part asian. It makes sense when you see the bone structure resemblance between eastern europeans and asians). My face is mostly heart-shaped, but with chubbyish cheeks, kind of Reenee Zielweiger, except without the whole scrunch face (Think a bit more Pre-Raphaelite).

Well tomorrow is a day for anxiety: I have a commercial casting call.

I've been taking uppers (Which hopefully-yeah right-My mom won't notice are missing. This is all in the hopes to help me lose a pound or 2, so I don't look so horrible. I have to make up and memorize a 15 second commercial as well. I, of course, have not started yet. I'm thinking of maybe saying a PSA, as they are pretty straight forward, and I can sneak in some dramtic acting there. But I'm afraid I won't have enough range in it. Oh god, I am so nervous. Any ideas??

I also am going to prom again this year with Twirl. She REALLY wants me to go with this one kid, since he's a senior and wants a date so badly. I remember him from when I went to the middle school thhere and he was Dicken, when I was Colin, in the Secret Garden musical. He's a bit proper, old fashioned, if you will. He's a bit quirky, doesn't have many guy friends, and not any girls who see him in "that way". Twirl said that he asked one of his friends to prom (She's a pretty, nice girl. At this school there's not much popularity, yet there are those who are persued) and she turned him down. Twirl will owe me big time if I do decide to go with him, especially since she requested me to make his night awesome and just give him a quick peck. That's no problem for me, hell I just *like* kissing people, BUT I'm afraid this could be leading him on.

Perks to going with him:
He dresses Clark Kentish (Just like 50's in general), so I could finally have the chance to get a swing prom dress.
He'd probably be a hell of a lot more mature than, for example, Russe The Booty Caller (Who still keeps booty calling me, and I hate it, but at the same time I have absolutely no self esteem and he really loves to compliment me).

This is all if Twirl can't get some cute boy, one of her friends or her little love interest/prom date's friends. She already wants us (Her, Clark Kent, and myself) to have a get together, I'm still holding out for a hottie.

I feel so juvenile writing that, but I feel that your teen years are a time to let yourself be self-centered and narcisisstic. It's the time where looks are a hell of a lot more important and where nothing is certain. And sure, I've done quite a bit of risky, decidedly more *adult* things. But I've really never had a relationship. I had a boyfriend for a week in 8th grade. then I've had two girlfriends around that time as well, but they were more like "best-friends-with-benefits-let's-fool-around-with-anyone-else-we-want". There have been bites at my proverbial fishing line, but they're guys, that frankly, are not in my league, and not even intellectual. What I mean by not in my league, is that I may not be THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, I don't think I am boarish.

I have my disordered mind, which makes me very critical and think I'm super ugly, etc...

Then there's my normal perspective, I can definitely say I'm pretty, I have an hourglass figure, nice sized boobs (I like it when they're big and small, they're still good either way), and a Kim Kardashian-type ass.

That doesn't mean that I think I'm the hottest chick in the world, but I can realize that in the real world I'm probably a 7-8ish, more towards a 7 though.

The guys who usually persue me are around the 5-7 range. While some might have a small thing in common with me (A love of Star Trek and other really geeky things), there's not much else there. They always get enamoured with me because I'm nice, quirky, and just different from most girls. Then there tends to be some kind of tension because they think this makes me instantly in their range and "OMG-YOU-TEASE-WHY-ARE-YOU-SO-STUCK-UP" tends to occur. I'm not trying to make myself seem amazing or anything, this is seriously just what happens. I tend to have more in common, and an easier time fitting in, with kids a bit higher on the social ladder. The thing is, I usually am more of a one night stand with them. I feel there would be more better/variety of people when I get out of New England, or at least the more redneck/country part.

I really need to apply to more than just community colleges so I can get the fuck out.