So last night I finally broke my 3 day fast.
Binged like a true fat kid.
Luckily I purged, and I am now 126lbs even! I have some exciting news as well:
I fit into some of my awesome dark green skinny jeans (They're a size 1 but fit like a 3ish). Of course I still have quite a bit of muffin top but FUCK I COULD BUTTON THEM. Anyways, I just had a zip up hoodie over it to mask the spillage and it looked great! I was so damn happy going to Good Enough school today (GED=Good Enough Diploma, haha). We also got to leave early, due to snow.
To make today even better I wrote an essay by myself! Now this is a very hard thing for me, because specific topics are very hard. While I can comprehend and think it up, it is VERY hard to put words to paper. I felt pretty accomplished. Then I came home and finished the rest of my social studies so I can take the pretest for that, AND did a bit of language arts as well. Best yet, rehearsal was cancelled tonight, so no driving for a long while!
I've just been sitting in my room, listening to my awesome playlist of songs that I just love, and gave myself a little treat for being so great (A vicodin and half a gabapentin).
I did drink the other half of this huge gatorade I was working on since sunday, but fuck it, it was only 100 cals. Then I chugged quite a bit of a Powerade zero (The strawberry seriously tastes like jello when it's still liquid). Now I temporarily have no desire to eat, which is great because I was SO hungry for some toast with jam.
I really prefer not eat, because I can not control myself after the first bite, that's why I suck at restricting. So for now I'm doing liquid calories and a binge and purge session here and there to quench my maddening appetite.
Right now I feel really just all over great (It is noted that I had an *extra* boost).
I noticed that if I lose about 2-3lbs more I will finally be able to go back to bing a C-cup. Finding a 34C is much nicer than scouring the stores for a 34D, the hardest fucxking size in the world to find!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Better Than Revenge
I know I know, I keep saying I'll start the ABC diet, but shit just keeps coming up. Wherein I HAVE to keep up appearances.
This weekend though was great, my fucking disease ridden niece came over thursday (Why can't my dumb-as-shit sister-in-law just NOT lie about her kid being sick???) and by saturday our WHOLE family is in bed with a horrible stomach bug. Now this has made it possible for me to not eat for the whole weekend. I finally passed my weight plateau of 127lbs, I feel so great.
This morning I was making a fake bowl of cereal because my mom wasn't around and I wanted to show her I ate. It's strange how easily it is to get back into my super restrictive period again.
This weekend though was great, my fucking disease ridden niece came over thursday (Why can't my dumb-as-shit sister-in-law just NOT lie about her kid being sick???) and by saturday our WHOLE family is in bed with a horrible stomach bug. Now this has made it possible for me to not eat for the whole weekend. I finally passed my weight plateau of 127lbs, I feel so great.
This morning I was making a fake bowl of cereal because my mom wasn't around and I wanted to show her I ate. It's strange how easily it is to get back into my super restrictive period again.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Getaways Turned Holidays
Yesterday I said I was going to start the ABC diet, I didn't.
I fasted like a champ.
And it was very hard, especially with the fact I got offered cookies twice at practice (I have such a paranoia of people assuming/knowing I have an ED). But I was teeming with energy from the drugs. When we got home my mom completely forgot that I hadn't eaten, so I went unpstairs and crashed.
I still haven't eaten yet, it's almost 7pm, and my Dad is going off to a town meeting thing (He's part of the budget commitee), and my mom is off getting my glasses fixed after MONTHS of not being able to wear them. Seriously I've been wearing a pair I have from 2 years ago because no one would get and/or bring me to get the lense replaced. This morning I thought I had lost them so I complained, since I haven't had any new ones from this back-up pair since 7th grade. So my mom is FINALLY at the mall doing it for me. But I just found my old ones and feel guilty for having her get them, then I think I SHOULD have had them months ago!
Now the only thing is, should I break my fast or should I just keep on it until tomorrow?
The second day of a fast is when I am ALWAYS the most hungry. I would just love to binge right now, it is so hard to break the habit of binging, which leads to purging.
In other news, the stimulants, combined with the fasting, put me at 127lbs today, sucess!
There's two cute boys in my GED class and it makes me even more obsessive about my weight. One, we'll call Blue, is very much a kid your parents wouldn't want you to date, he's a probationee and dresses very much in that stupid gangster style that annoys the shit out of me. But we do talk a lot about movies (He's the only one in our class who has also seen Mad Max) and is just generally fun to converse with. he's also the one I have the largest possibility of being with. Then there's this really cute boy who is only in on Thursday, math day, because he just needs to pass that test and another one. We'll say he's Farm Boy, he is my least likely, but he's SO cute.
I fasted like a champ.
And it was very hard, especially with the fact I got offered cookies twice at practice (I have such a paranoia of people assuming/knowing I have an ED). But I was teeming with energy from the drugs. When we got home my mom completely forgot that I hadn't eaten, so I went unpstairs and crashed.
I still haven't eaten yet, it's almost 7pm, and my Dad is going off to a town meeting thing (He's part of the budget commitee), and my mom is off getting my glasses fixed after MONTHS of not being able to wear them. Seriously I've been wearing a pair I have from 2 years ago because no one would get and/or bring me to get the lense replaced. This morning I thought I had lost them so I complained, since I haven't had any new ones from this back-up pair since 7th grade. So my mom is FINALLY at the mall doing it for me. But I just found my old ones and feel guilty for having her get them, then I think I SHOULD have had them months ago!
Now the only thing is, should I break my fast or should I just keep on it until tomorrow?
The second day of a fast is when I am ALWAYS the most hungry. I would just love to binge right now, it is so hard to break the habit of binging, which leads to purging.
In other news, the stimulants, combined with the fasting, put me at 127lbs today, sucess!
There's two cute boys in my GED class and it makes me even more obsessive about my weight. One, we'll call Blue, is very much a kid your parents wouldn't want you to date, he's a probationee and dresses very much in that stupid gangster style that annoys the shit out of me. But we do talk a lot about movies (He's the only one in our class who has also seen Mad Max) and is just generally fun to converse with. he's also the one I have the largest possibility of being with. Then there's this really cute boy who is only in on Thursday, math day, because he just needs to pass that test and another one. We'll say he's Farm Boy, he is my least likely, but he's SO cute.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
All I Ever Wanted
I had a complete revelation this morning at 4am, not sleeping of course. I realized that the only time I really ever got so fucking skinny was when I was restricting, only purging the bare essentials. Even then it was maybe a few times a week. Definitely no what I've been doing for just about FOREVER.
Here's a play by play:
1. Not eat until around 4pm-9pmish (When ever it is that my family will make me eat)
2. Have my meal or two of the day
3. Keep binging until around 1am, take a shower and purge then
No wonder I don't lose weight and keep gaining and losing the same 4lbs!
The thing is, it is just about impossible for me to eat a normal meal without binging. So now I've decided to go on the ABC diet, after reading all of the rave reviews.
I am determined right now, buzzing with energy after consuming 2 ritalins and 2 midols. I really do hope I can manage it.
These are the rules:
1. Workout on one Wii dance game (I dance until I sweat like crazy on those, I love to dance) at least 3 times a week, with a minimum of 30 minutes.
2. Avoid binge situations at all costs!!!!
3. RECORD RECORD RECORD calories in AND out!
4. Motivate with thinspo books, blogs, movies, pictures, and music AT LEAST once a day
5. Commit to blogging about my ED again, everyone else finds time, I can too
What's really pushing me is that at the end of February my parents and me are going to New York, to see How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying (AKA Daniel Radcliffe's newest starring role!), and I really want to look nice, I'm aiming for 115lbs, so 34 days... This is gonna be tough.
I am just so tired I being fat and dumpy, trying on all my clothes to find out what will look the least hideous. Of having these horrible size 7 pants in my drawers, right next to my old size 0 (So fucking shameful). I miss the days when I would put on a size 3 and have a fat day, now I live in skirts and leggings because then I can put size 7 in the back of my mind.
Sometimes I really don't mind being curvy. I have a natural hourglass shape, complete with very big boobs, 34D, thanks to the gain. But then I just think I wish I could be a bit thinner, just the regular weight for my height even, I'd be beautiful. I don't want to be stickish like most ED girls, I actually LIKE my curves, I just want to be small.
I really gained the weight when I quite ballet, I used to hover at 115lbs, now I maintain at 130lbs or so.
I am disgusted to even admit that.
I just spent quite a bit of time writing out every calorie allowance of the day until March on a pocket calendar, with a list of safe foods and ways to aid in weight loss.
Today I have Vagina Monologues rehearsal, it's almost time for our show. It's so hypocitical of me, to be a feminist then go and throw up my guts superficially.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
You Haven't Seen the Last of Me
Soul Sister wants me to spend the night at her house Friday, my mother isn't so keen on the idea. She thinks Soul Sister is going to give me drugs, and she's a bad influence, blah blah blah... IF I WASN'T SO GODDAMN FUCKED UP FROM MY MOTHER, IF MAYBE WHEN I FIRST STARTED CUTTING BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIND OF ATTENTION, YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.
Instead, she just says how much of a fuck up I am and never takes any credit for the fact she helped me along to be like this. I was the youngest kid, a girl none the less, over shadowed by my brothers who always needed help in school, who had fights, one used to go to the psych ward a lot. Then there was me, the quiet little daughter who always wanted to please, yet seemed to fuck up at every oppourtunity.
Then I found out about cutting in 4th grade, the fucking thrill of it, the thought of how I COULD get attention, could get my parents to not treat me like one of my brothers.. Next in 7th grade, a girl I was friends with mentioned how she had to lose weight before the weekend because she was meeting a boy she liked. Something just clicked in me. I had already tried this out a bit in 6th grade, threw up a few times, no much else.
But this time it was different. I had already been binge eating for awhile, covering all of my feelings, my loneliness, with food. Gaining pound after pound, going from a size 2 to a 4.
Shortly after was April vacation, The day before I had to go back I ate a box of chocolates, I felt so sick, I went upstairs and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was a revolution. In that week I lost 5lbs, I had never felt so powerful.
I first had tried drugs (My first was Oxy), in 6th grade, it just went on from there, they helped me dull my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. No one pushed me onto them, I took my first pills from my father. I didn't do it to fit in, I wanted to feel better. I never once became addicted, there was always precautions I set up, putting days between my uses.
All of this caused me to definitly become the problem child, the one my parents spent the most time on. Being the daghter also made me the one they want to restrict the most, not letting me be over peoples' house unless there's a parent, much less a boy's.
Now All I want to do is go over Soul Sister's, trade my downers for her uppers, and try H for the first time. I want to mostly go there for downers, to get my weight down again, but I've always wanted to try H. Get it off my bucket list at the least.
I'm just so tired of my parents putting rules and regulations on me, when they're the ones who fly off the handle, who PUSH me to just want to die. Just waiting until October, I'll be 18 and hopefully in college. The GED people want me to be pulled out of the main group and get me through it faster, I'm too precocious for the other kids I guess.
All I'm hoping for is that my mother will back the fuck off and just let me go to SS's.
Instead, she just says how much of a fuck up I am and never takes any credit for the fact she helped me along to be like this. I was the youngest kid, a girl none the less, over shadowed by my brothers who always needed help in school, who had fights, one used to go to the psych ward a lot. Then there was me, the quiet little daughter who always wanted to please, yet seemed to fuck up at every oppourtunity.
Then I found out about cutting in 4th grade, the fucking thrill of it, the thought of how I COULD get attention, could get my parents to not treat me like one of my brothers.. Next in 7th grade, a girl I was friends with mentioned how she had to lose weight before the weekend because she was meeting a boy she liked. Something just clicked in me. I had already tried this out a bit in 6th grade, threw up a few times, no much else.
But this time it was different. I had already been binge eating for awhile, covering all of my feelings, my loneliness, with food. Gaining pound after pound, going from a size 2 to a 4.
Shortly after was April vacation, The day before I had to go back I ate a box of chocolates, I felt so sick, I went upstairs and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was a revolution. In that week I lost 5lbs, I had never felt so powerful.
I first had tried drugs (My first was Oxy), in 6th grade, it just went on from there, they helped me dull my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. No one pushed me onto them, I took my first pills from my father. I didn't do it to fit in, I wanted to feel better. I never once became addicted, there was always precautions I set up, putting days between my uses.
All of this caused me to definitly become the problem child, the one my parents spent the most time on. Being the daghter also made me the one they want to restrict the most, not letting me be over peoples' house unless there's a parent, much less a boy's.
Now All I want to do is go over Soul Sister's, trade my downers for her uppers, and try H for the first time. I want to mostly go there for downers, to get my weight down again, but I've always wanted to try H. Get it off my bucket list at the least.
I'm just so tired of my parents putting rules and regulations on me, when they're the ones who fly off the handle, who PUSH me to just want to die. Just waiting until October, I'll be 18 and hopefully in college. The GED people want me to be pulled out of the main group and get me through it faster, I'm too precocious for the other kids I guess.
All I'm hoping for is that my mother will back the fuck off and just let me go to SS's.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tomorrow Belongs To Me
Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event (Nightmares where I'm back there, sent back, or have the people from there in them)
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event (I read a book about these places and they went on to describe the "rules" which them made me have palpitations and be on the edge of a panic attack).
2. Avoidance
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment
Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
Sense of having no future
3. Arousal
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger (Inexplicable anger just THINKING about it, that makes me want to go on a rampage)
Sleeping difficulties
You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"), and the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:
Agitation, or excitability
Dizzines
Fainting
Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
Fever
Headache
Paleness
When I got out my emotions were just off the chart, I was so happy and easily excitable and it was like I was experiencing them all for the first time.
So I think I have found out why I've been having nightmares... Now I don't want to go to sleep because I'm afraid of having more. I really now NEED to go to a psychiatrist to get this all documented so then I can show this in court.
And if I hear one more time how my mother would have "Rebelled and not have been co-operative at all" I'm going to cut. She seriously does not understand how terrifying it is to not have any way to get out, being underage and at the mercy of people whom you DO NOT know one bit. Not ever having comfort and don't forget to mention being stranded in the middle of buttfuck, where the closet town would be probably a day's walk away. Putting me in that stint of solitary scared me quite a bit, especially since you never have a moment to just breathe, then they isolate you to make you feel more helpless. Then they say lies, and say that you have "no rights" there. Fucking fuck, I'm glad I watched Law & Order so much to even know half as much law as I do.
Plainly, you can see I'm still not over it.
In other news I'm in a V-Day production of The Vagina Monologues, which is a big deal to lil' ol' feminist me. Espcially since I'm going to be the youngest in ours'.
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event (Nightmares where I'm back there, sent back, or have the people from there in them)
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event (I read a book about these places and they went on to describe the "rules" which them made me have palpitations and be on the edge of a panic attack).
2. Avoidance
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment
Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
Sense of having no future
3. Arousal
Difficulty concentrating
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger (Inexplicable anger just THINKING about it, that makes me want to go on a rampage)
Sleeping difficulties
You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"), and the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:
Agitation, or excitability
Dizzines
Fainting
Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
Fever
Headache
Paleness
When I got out my emotions were just off the chart, I was so happy and easily excitable and it was like I was experiencing them all for the first time.
So I think I have found out why I've been having nightmares... Now I don't want to go to sleep because I'm afraid of having more. I really now NEED to go to a psychiatrist to get this all documented so then I can show this in court.
And if I hear one more time how my mother would have "Rebelled and not have been co-operative at all" I'm going to cut. She seriously does not understand how terrifying it is to not have any way to get out, being underage and at the mercy of people whom you DO NOT know one bit. Not ever having comfort and don't forget to mention being stranded in the middle of buttfuck, where the closet town would be probably a day's walk away. Putting me in that stint of solitary scared me quite a bit, especially since you never have a moment to just breathe, then they isolate you to make you feel more helpless. Then they say lies, and say that you have "no rights" there. Fucking fuck, I'm glad I watched Law & Order so much to even know half as much law as I do.
Plainly, you can see I'm still not over it.
In other news I'm in a V-Day production of The Vagina Monologues, which is a big deal to lil' ol' feminist me. Espcially since I'm going to be the youngest in ours'.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
There's a Place Called Home
WELL! It has been quite awhile since I've posted. Time to get my butt in gear (Physically as well).
What has been happening:
I just got out last Saturday from a RTC (Residential treatment center) where I was for 21 days. My parents tricked me into it by saying we were going to Vegas and then drove me there for a "tour". I was then left there.
Those places are absolutely horrid! The place I was at lied constantly and violated our rights at every turn. Then when I tried to tell my parents about them the people there said I was lying! They pushed their religion on you and we had to listen to Christian music. Now I don't mind anyone's religion, do what you want just don't push it on me. The girls there were quite brainwashed too.
There was ONE girl there who was really cool and kept it real. She was also an ED girl, which was super easy for me to connect on.
I am now just so glad my parents listened when I said they were doing really shady stuff. Now we are going to sue for emotional damages and so we don't have to pay them the fees, seeing as how they falsly advertised. I still am pretty shaken up about that place, it makes me scared to go anywhere with my parents and I don't trust them a bit. I had people watching me go to the bathroom, change, and taking showers for a week there. There was one woman who would make homophobic comments. There was emotional abuse there.
Being at home I can now go and weigh and NOT eat, they had us eat SO much there and we had to eat 75% or we would get a consequence. And those were like not being allowed to talk and having to write essays.
I am right now at 132.4lbs, so damn fat. It's just horrible!
http://www3.weightmirror.com/weightmirror/index.php?id=
this is such a cool website, you can put in your photo, put in your weight and height, then you canadd or subtract weight and it simulates what you'll look like. I absolutely love it.
What has been happening:
I just got out last Saturday from a RTC (Residential treatment center) where I was for 21 days. My parents tricked me into it by saying we were going to Vegas and then drove me there for a "tour". I was then left there.
Those places are absolutely horrid! The place I was at lied constantly and violated our rights at every turn. Then when I tried to tell my parents about them the people there said I was lying! They pushed their religion on you and we had to listen to Christian music. Now I don't mind anyone's religion, do what you want just don't push it on me. The girls there were quite brainwashed too.
There was ONE girl there who was really cool and kept it real. She was also an ED girl, which was super easy for me to connect on.
I am now just so glad my parents listened when I said they were doing really shady stuff. Now we are going to sue for emotional damages and so we don't have to pay them the fees, seeing as how they falsly advertised. I still am pretty shaken up about that place, it makes me scared to go anywhere with my parents and I don't trust them a bit. I had people watching me go to the bathroom, change, and taking showers for a week there. There was one woman who would make homophobic comments. There was emotional abuse there.
Being at home I can now go and weigh and NOT eat, they had us eat SO much there and we had to eat 75% or we would get a consequence. And those were like not being allowed to talk and having to write essays.
I am right now at 132.4lbs, so damn fat. It's just horrible!
http://www3.weightmirror.com/weightmirror/index.php?id=
this is such a cool website, you can put in your photo, put in your weight and height, then you canadd or subtract weight and it simulates what you'll look like. I absolutely love it.
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