You Haven't Seen the Last of Me

Soul Sister wants me to spend the night at her house Friday, my mother isn't so keen on the idea. She thinks Soul Sister is going to give me drugs, and she's a bad influence, blah blah blah... IF I WASN'T SO GODDAMN FUCKED UP FROM MY MOTHER, IF MAYBE WHEN I FIRST STARTED CUTTING BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIND OF ATTENTION, YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.

Instead, she just says how much of a fuck up I am and never takes any credit for the fact she helped me along to be like this. I was the youngest kid, a girl none the less, over shadowed by my brothers who always needed help in school, who had fights, one used to go to the psych ward a lot. Then there was me, the quiet little daughter who always wanted to please, yet seemed to fuck up at every oppourtunity.

Then I found out about cutting in 4th grade, the fucking thrill of it, the thought of how I COULD get attention, could get my parents to not treat me like one of my brothers.. Next in 7th grade, a girl I was friends with mentioned how she had to lose weight before the weekend because she was meeting a boy she liked. Something just clicked in me. I had already tried this out a bit in 6th grade, threw up a few times, no much else.

But this time it was different. I had already been binge eating for awhile, covering all of my feelings, my loneliness, with food. Gaining pound after pound, going from a size 2 to a 4.

Shortly after was April vacation, The day before I had to go back I ate a box of chocolates, I felt so sick, I went upstairs and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was a revolution. In that week I lost 5lbs, I had never felt so powerful.

I first had tried drugs (My first was Oxy), in 6th grade, it just went on from there, they helped me dull my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. No one pushed me onto them, I took my first pills from my father. I didn't do it to fit in, I wanted to feel better. I never once became addicted, there was always precautions I set up, putting days between my uses.

All of this caused me to definitly become the problem child, the one my parents spent the most time on. Being the daghter also made me the one they want to restrict the most, not letting me be over peoples' house unless there's a parent, much less a boy's.

Now All I want to do is go over Soul Sister's, trade my downers for her uppers, and try H for the first time. I want to mostly go there for downers, to get my weight down again, but I've always wanted to try H. Get it off my bucket list at the least.

I'm just so tired of my parents putting rules and regulations on me, when they're the ones who fly off the handle, who PUSH me to just want to die. Just waiting until October, I'll be 18 and hopefully in college. The GED people want me to be pulled out of the main group and get me through it faster, I'm too precocious for the other kids I guess.

All I'm hoping for is that my mother will back the fuck off and just let me go to SS's.