All I Ever Wanted

I had a complete revelation this morning at 4am, not sleeping of course. I realized that the only time I really ever got so fucking skinny was when I was restricting, only purging the bare essentials. Even then it was maybe a few times a week. Definitely no what I've been doing for just about FOREVER.

Here's a play by play:
1. Not eat until around 4pm-9pmish (When ever it is that my family will make me eat)
2. Have my meal or two of the day
3. Keep binging until around 1am, take a shower and purge then

No wonder I don't lose weight and keep gaining and losing the same 4lbs!

The thing is, it is just about impossible for me to eat a normal meal without binging. So now I've decided to go on the ABC diet, after reading all of the rave reviews.

I am determined right now, buzzing with energy after consuming 2 ritalins and 2 midols. I really do hope I can manage it.

These are the rules:
1. Workout on one Wii dance game (I dance until I sweat like crazy on those, I love to dance) at least 3 times a week, with a minimum of 30 minutes.
2. Avoid binge situations at all costs!!!!
3. RECORD RECORD RECORD calories in AND out!
4. Motivate with thinspo books, blogs, movies, pictures, and music AT LEAST once a day
5. Commit to blogging about my ED again, everyone else finds time, I can too

What's really pushing me is that at the end of February my parents and me are going to New York, to see How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying (AKA Daniel Radcliffe's newest starring role!), and I really want to look nice, I'm aiming for 115lbs, so 34 days... This is gonna be tough.

I am just so tired I being fat and dumpy, trying on all my clothes to find out what will look the least hideous. Of having these horrible size 7 pants in my drawers, right next to my old size 0 (So fucking shameful). I miss the days when I would put on a size 3 and have a fat day, now I live in skirts and leggings because then I can put size 7 in the back of my mind.

Sometimes I really don't mind being curvy. I have a natural hourglass shape, complete with very big boobs, 34D, thanks to the gain. But then I just think I wish I could be a bit thinner, just the regular weight for my height even, I'd be beautiful. I don't want to be stickish like most ED girls, I actually LIKE my curves, I just want to be small.

I really gained the weight when I quite ballet, I used to hover at 115lbs, now I maintain at 130lbs or so.

I am disgusted to even admit that.

I just spent quite a bit of time writing out every calorie allowance of the day until March on a pocket calendar, with a list of safe foods and ways to aid in weight loss.

Today I have Vagina Monologues rehearsal, it's almost time for our show. It's so hypocitical of me, to be a feminist then go and throw up my guts superficially.