White Houses

I've actually found an actress that I sorta look like, if anyone has seen the US version of Being Human, I look a tad like Rebecca. At the beginning of the season, when her hair was WAY red and she had a bit more bold bangs (I happen to have both of). Although she has more of a sharp, angular face. I inherited the flat, roundish face from my Polish ancestry (For some reason, I always get asked if I'm part asian. It makes sense when you see the bone structure resemblance between eastern europeans and asians). My face is mostly heart-shaped, but with chubbyish cheeks, kind of Reenee Zielweiger, except without the whole scrunch face (Think a bit more Pre-Raphaelite).

Well tomorrow is a day for anxiety: I have a commercial casting call.

I've been taking uppers (Which hopefully-yeah right-My mom won't notice are missing. This is all in the hopes to help me lose a pound or 2, so I don't look so horrible. I have to make up and memorize a 15 second commercial as well. I, of course, have not started yet. I'm thinking of maybe saying a PSA, as they are pretty straight forward, and I can sneak in some dramtic acting there. But I'm afraid I won't have enough range in it. Oh god, I am so nervous. Any ideas??

I also am going to prom again this year with Twirl. She REALLY wants me to go with this one kid, since he's a senior and wants a date so badly. I remember him from when I went to the middle school thhere and he was Dicken, when I was Colin, in the Secret Garden musical. He's a bit proper, old fashioned, if you will. He's a bit quirky, doesn't have many guy friends, and not any girls who see him in "that way". Twirl said that he asked one of his friends to prom (She's a pretty, nice girl. At this school there's not much popularity, yet there are those who are persued) and she turned him down. Twirl will owe me big time if I do decide to go with him, especially since she requested me to make his night awesome and just give him a quick peck. That's no problem for me, hell I just *like* kissing people, BUT I'm afraid this could be leading him on.

Perks to going with him:
He dresses Clark Kentish (Just like 50's in general), so I could finally have the chance to get a swing prom dress.
He'd probably be a hell of a lot more mature than, for example, Russe The Booty Caller (Who still keeps booty calling me, and I hate it, but at the same time I have absolutely no self esteem and he really loves to compliment me).

This is all if Twirl can't get some cute boy, one of her friends or her little love interest/prom date's friends. She already wants us (Her, Clark Kent, and myself) to have a get together, I'm still holding out for a hottie.

I feel so juvenile writing that, but I feel that your teen years are a time to let yourself be self-centered and narcisisstic. It's the time where looks are a hell of a lot more important and where nothing is certain. And sure, I've done quite a bit of risky, decidedly more *adult* things. But I've really never had a relationship. I had a boyfriend for a week in 8th grade. then I've had two girlfriends around that time as well, but they were more like "best-friends-with-benefits-let's-fool-around-with-anyone-else-we-want". There have been bites at my proverbial fishing line, but they're guys, that frankly, are not in my league, and not even intellectual. What I mean by not in my league, is that I may not be THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, I don't think I am boarish.

I have my disordered mind, which makes me very critical and think I'm super ugly, etc...

Then there's my normal perspective, I can definitely say I'm pretty, I have an hourglass figure, nice sized boobs (I like it when they're big and small, they're still good either way), and a Kim Kardashian-type ass.

That doesn't mean that I think I'm the hottest chick in the world, but I can realize that in the real world I'm probably a 7-8ish, more towards a 7 though.

The guys who usually persue me are around the 5-7 range. While some might have a small thing in common with me (A love of Star Trek and other really geeky things), there's not much else there. They always get enamoured with me because I'm nice, quirky, and just different from most girls. Then there tends to be some kind of tension because they think this makes me instantly in their range and "OMG-YOU-TEASE-WHY-ARE-YOU-SO-STUCK-UP" tends to occur. I'm not trying to make myself seem amazing or anything, this is seriously just what happens. I tend to have more in common, and an easier time fitting in, with kids a bit higher on the social ladder. The thing is, I usually am more of a one night stand with them. I feel there would be more better/variety of people when I get out of New England, or at least the more redneck/country part.

I really need to apply to more than just community colleges so I can get the fuck out.

Putting It Together

I've just been having a hectic week, suffering from blogger withdrawals. You see, when I don't go on here, I don't keep myself on track, which means I binge like a rabid dog.

Yesterday I noticed we got a HUGE jug of fat-free milk (My mom absolutely loathes fat-free, my dad is always on a "diet", called being-a-fat-ass-yet-pretending-to-diet). I have always wanted to try the infamous milk diet, now here comes a time to put it into effect.

This Time

I've been dreading having to report to you girls how I've been doing.

Let's recap:
Saturday things were looking up, I was 121lbs and went to Twirl's house, which lead to one of her friends driving us to Soul Sister's.
Resulting in us smoking pot.
I was doing so fucking well, then SS dad brought Pizza and FRIES! Like WTF FRIES AND PIZZA?!

I also found out SS is 115lbs, so definite thing to shoot for. She and I have always been just about the same height and I've always been super jealous of how skinny she is. Fear not though, since being on birth control she got so much fatter (But still at a healthy weight, seeing as she used to be 98lbs).

Sunday I just felt horrible with how bad I was at dancing.

This whole week has just been me stuffing my face as much as possible and not purging.

Leading me to weigh in at 126.8lbs.

What am I doing to myself?

I did some damage control 2 hours ago, so hopefully no more eating tonight.

I also just seemed to realize that I have just about no friends, justa few that I see every few weeks-months. How the fuck do you make friends??? I seriously seem to suck at that skill, seeing as I have virtually none. But like where do normal teenagers meet friends when they really don't get out. I know that most find there's in high school, but seeing as I don't go, I'm at a loss.

Fools Like Me

I have been having a horrible week.

Not only having I been binging like SUCH a fat ass, but I've ballooned up from 121lbs on monday to 124.4lbs.

Disgusting.

Tomorrow is my niece's birthday and my sister-in-law's mom invited just about EVERYONE from their family, even though they only have room for maybe 13 people. We aren't even having anyone from our extended family, AND there's already 23 people coming now.

I'm also sleeping over Twirl's house after, so then the next day we can go to rehearsal together. I'm just hoping I'm not 125lbs by sunday, because taht's what I was back whenI auditioned. I'm hoping for 122-123lbs by then.

Ordinary Day

'Tis a sad day when you have to choose between:

1. Two beautiful dresses, a sweater, and thick, black leggings.

2. A crazy cool Harry Potter necklaces at FAO Schwarz (Mich, OMG, I still wish I was at an acceptable age to buy the toys at FAO Scwarz. That place gets me every time.)

3. Drugs.

I unfortunately choose the clothes, BUT still have 35 dollars left over. Still have no connections for drugs though. It's times like these where I hate not having my liscense and not being able to just sneak over to Soul Sister's house. I really want to go up to one of the countless druggies in my GED class but I have such anxiety about talking to people.

I need some drugs! With this sunday being my first rehearsal for the ballet, drugs are a must. Have you ever tried ballet without drugs? it blows, it fucking sucks. Downers are great to aid in not caring about what the dance teacher/other dancers might think. They make me dance for me, without the added pressure, and they also are great for being able to take criticism and not cry. Then I also have SATs coming up in May and I need uppers for that to help study and stay up (Because when I'm anxious I can't sleep, then I end up crashing) without being exhausted.

To make things even worse I have to do a college little intro seminar thingy for my ASL major. Now this makes me so GODDAMN axious because of the fact I'll have no one to cling to (Such as a friend or my parents). I have to do this on my own to establish that I am going into college (No more parents calling teachers/principals), and have to start being independent. My parents don't seem to get how cripplingly scary it is and how it makes me want to just have a breakdown.

And if things can get even worse, I ate like a pig this weekend. I'm having my last ritalin to help boost my metabolism and keep me active today. I'm hoping that all of that walking pays off. How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying was AH-MAZING! Daniel Radcliffe put on an American accent and was just so adorable, AND definitely is a Triple Threat (For those who don't do theatre, a Triple Threat means that the person can dance, sing, and act).

Right now I should be writing this essay that should have been done around 2 weeks ago, I can't get started on it. Writing is so hard for me if it's a forced topic, especially essays. As soon as I can get going though, I really do sound quite smart at it.

Just listening to Vanessa Carlton on repeat (My childhood), and avoiding a weigh-in until I get home from class.

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

I did 2 of my GED tests yesterday (Social Studies and Reading), knocking them out of the way. Then I call up my mom to tell her I finished, because those tests were supposed to be around 2 hours together and I did it in one.

She went home, even after me EXPLICITLY saying that it would be super easy and take me a fraction of the time, those are my best subjects after all. Never the less, I had to wait for 30 minutes for her to pick me up. BUT then we went to Newbury Comics after, my dad said he was going to get me a cd the other day and forgot. I fucking love Newbury Comics for their awesome discount used cds, especially with how many musicals they have. As an added bonus I found a Rush cd I have been looking for (Rush is amazing, period.) and the Jersey Boys soundtrack.

Afterwards we went to the dollar store. Which means awesome temporary tattoos and candy galore all for a dollar each. I ended up getting 3 different boxes of candies just for when I binge and green peeps, which I didn't know existed. When I got home I slept, so yes, it was a great fasting day.

I still haven't eaten today, but I happen to have some cognac, with which I am contemplating getting drunk off of. When even I do drink I lose weight super easily, it really does seem to be the best way for me, besides uppers that is.

I weighed in this morning at 121lbs.

Ladies, hold the applause.

This is the skinniest I've been in months, AT LEAST since early spring I'd say. I have on a shirt right now that up until recently made me look like I had a fleah tire around my middle underneath.

An update on our New York vaction this weekend:

My dad took forever to book a hotel so the only one we could get was the Hilton, yesssssss. He was going to get a shitty 2 star one as well. Me and my mom have already been bouncing off ideas as to where we should go, the following:

Macys'

FAO Schwarz

East Village (We have always wanted to go there, but have never had the time whenever we go to New York)

Any suggestions as to where else?

Shoud've Said No

OHMYFUCKINGOD.

I hate the fact that I can smell anything that people cook from my room. I have no clue as to what it is but it smells like home fries perhaps? All I know is I weighed myself at around 3am and I was 122.6lbs, and I am so damn hungry from fasting, AND DON'T EAT.

122.6

Don't eat.

122.6

Don't binge.

And of course some kind of meat must be cooking as well, seeing as how my dad is home and always fucking needs meat. But NOOOO he doesn't want anything processed.. Then he shouldn't fucking eat cheese and cookies. And while I'm on this subject, he always need to talk about how he needs to lose weight or ask if we notice how "thin he is". Just last week he was saying how the family needs to go on a diet, now if there is one thing I hate hearing it is my parents saying "We all need to diet". I'M NOT THE ONE WITH AN OBESE BMI, I ACTUALLY HAVE MINE IN A NORMAL RANGE. It makes me get so fucking defensive, because they NEVER do anything about it (Like stop buying shitty binge foods, or my mom who eating all through the day "grazing", which is supposed to be BAD for your health). What makes me mad is they never follow through with these diets, just mention them once, piss me off, and forget about them. Then they go back to their disgustingly greasy bags of potato chips.

I go through phases where I can accept my curves, and even like them to a certain degree, but then they just have to get me down about them. I'm always thinking about my weight in the back of my head, but the feminist in me allows me to deal with my body.

Now do you girls see why I never have the motivation to follow through with things? More importantly, why I have an eating disorder?