Play-by-play of the past days:
Friday: I was 118.6lbs. Then I ate at 7pm but took forever to purge, fell asleep but I did drag myself to do it at 2 or 3am.
Saturday: Didn't get to weigh-in, had to leave and go driving with my Dad (In prep for my Drivers' Ed next month). After driving I felt quite sick, I have really bad car sickness, so my Dad was like "Aw hell, let's go to Dennys'". He's overweight even with working out at the gym as much as he does, and it would disappoint him nto NOT go because we never spend time together. I had an All American Slam and 2 apple juices.
We then got a quad-toaster (It's realy freakin' awesome, and I have always wanted one of these) as ours broke over a week ago. Got chicken food for our chickens and then got 2 packages of gummy candy. My mom made dinner and I had to eat it (Steak stir-fry).
My brother (I'll call him Craigslist, as he spends all his time on it) came by and we had a physical fight. The start of the aforementioned fight? My dog was lying on the kitchen floor right next to my feet and I hit her stomach by accident. Of course then Craigslist has to goad me by saying I hurt her on purpose and kept saying that, teasing me, and frankly just pissing me off more and more. So I charged at him, trying to choke him and we briefly wrestled ending with his hand around my throat and my nails digging into his arm painfully so. It's got broken apart and I went to my room. I then had no way of throwing up so I (This seems to be happening a lot) fell asleep.
Intake:
Breakfast- All American Slam (700 estimating as I didn't eat the whole thing), 2 apple juices (182)
2 packs of gummies (380)
Dinner- Steak stir-fry (Around 500)
=1,762
Disgusting.
I have not eaten anything so far. I haven't even gone out of my room because I'm still mad that my parents did nothing to stop my brother from shutting his fucking mouth yesterday, but what's new. That's one thing that I've always hated about my family, my parents don't intervene when my brothers get too mean, then they wonder why I flip out. But I can never be mean to my brothers to defend myself, my Mom will jump on that quickly.
They also treat me totally different from my brothers besides being over protective. In high school my brothers had their girlfriend sleepover (In their beds with them!) at one point or another. And one of them even lived with us in the summer when she was in college.
Could that ever happen for me? No.
They don't even like me go over girls' houses if they're lesbians (That's Mom's part though). It's like they think the girls will turn me gay or (For guys as well) that all we are going to do is have sex. Seriously.
That's enough whining for today. In other news I'm going to prom again. My friend Twirl invited me to her prom (I went there last year with my guy friend), she didn't get a date even though she's really pretty and skinny. Most of the reason is because she's so shy, unconfident, and she has no boobs. The last she gets teased about all the time, I feel bad for her for that.
Now I have to find a dress, I was thinking a short white one as they look so chic and classy.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Agree to Disagree
Oh damn.
Mom is going to be out till around 2pm, bringing my Dad to the hospital and such (Routine thing he has to get done, as he has a neck problem).
SO easy to binge, and I feel it coming on so easily, even though I just binged and purged a few hours ago. Ugh, and I just chewed through all my gum because I was trying to stop a binge.
Luckily I had all the pizza last night so it's not available today.
Weighing in at 119.6lbs.
Pure happiness.
I am just so GLAD, I need this, to be thin again. But whenever I get thinner I always binge so bad.
Crossing my fingers that it'll turn out well.
Mom is going to be out till around 2pm, bringing my Dad to the hospital and such (Routine thing he has to get done, as he has a neck problem).
SO easy to binge, and I feel it coming on so easily, even though I just binged and purged a few hours ago. Ugh, and I just chewed through all my gum because I was trying to stop a binge.
Luckily I had all the pizza last night so it's not available today.
Weighing in at 119.6lbs.
Pure happiness.
I am just so GLAD, I need this, to be thin again. But whenever I get thinner I always binge so bad.
Crossing my fingers that it'll turn out well.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Things You See In A Graveyard
Okay, this is definitely going to be a rant post. After reading:
http://wintergirlinthemaking.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-blame-dance.html
Really good blog by the way, but this was one of the things that just irks me so much. I always hated seeing the token "fat" little girls at dance, the sweet kids who just have a bit of puppy fat. And sometimes I'd hear them saying things about weight and I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just feel so bad that kids know weight and calories and are so conscious, especially in a dance setting.
But the blame falls completely on the 2 main teachers there, especially the owner who would say flat out "You're fat, lose weight". Some of the girls (Read that as the younger ones, around 12), that were still nice before they got bitchy, would feel bad as well and talk about how that would cause issues with food. Sometimes I could understand with the teacher, I mean yeah, some people do need to lose weight, especially if you want the best parts and wear the old itty bitty costumes. Then on the other hand when she'd say it to me and some others I'd just bite my lip so then I wouldn't flip out.
Aaannnnddd, end scene.
Onto to my weight, 120.6lbs, I'm just so glad I didn't go up. I know it's because my mom brought home this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pizza (One food I would live off of if I could) and I, of course, ate it. Luckily I convinced my Mom to go out to the grocery store so I could purge. Ohhhhhh God that pizza is good, they use really big slices and they have huge toppings and make just amazingness.
http://wintergirlinthemaking.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-blame-dance.html
Really good blog by the way, but this was one of the things that just irks me so much. I always hated seeing the token "fat" little girls at dance, the sweet kids who just have a bit of puppy fat. And sometimes I'd hear them saying things about weight and I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just feel so bad that kids know weight and calories and are so conscious, especially in a dance setting.
But the blame falls completely on the 2 main teachers there, especially the owner who would say flat out "You're fat, lose weight". Some of the girls (Read that as the younger ones, around 12), that were still nice before they got bitchy, would feel bad as well and talk about how that would cause issues with food. Sometimes I could understand with the teacher, I mean yeah, some people do need to lose weight, especially if you want the best parts and wear the old itty bitty costumes. Then on the other hand when she'd say it to me and some others I'd just bite my lip so then I wouldn't flip out.
Aaannnnddd, end scene.
Onto to my weight, 120.6lbs, I'm just so glad I didn't go up. I know it's because my mom brought home this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pizza (One food I would live off of if I could) and I, of course, ate it. Luckily I convinced my Mom to go out to the grocery store so I could purge. Ohhhhhh God that pizza is good, they use really big slices and they have huge toppings and make just amazingness.
21st Century Cure
I love before and after photos, those are my favorite pro-ana things.
Anyways, I woke up with a horrible backache, which meant:
A) My period will show soon, or
B) I totally have to change my underwear because it looks like a battlefield.
Well it was B, so then I went downstairs to get a tampon, lo' and behold! It's been quite a few days since I've weighed in.
... I was so fucking scared because I thought I'd be retaining water and weigh so much.
120.6lbs.
What.
The.
Fuck.
Um, hello?! Elated is the first thing that comes to mind. I haven't been this light since before October, when I got admitted I even stayed at this weight the whole week (Pretty amazing considering that I was eating 3 square meals a day and not exercising).
Even still I went and binged a bit, purged after. I would have not fasted but Saturday we are going to see Jesus Christ Superstar and I lose energy in the second day of fasting and I want to fast for as long as possible Saturday, because we always go out to eat when we see things in the city.
And right before I went to sleep yesterday I was feeling so depressed, I wanted to cut so so so bad, but it was the kind of depressed where you just feel like laying in bed catatonically and watch Law and Order: SVU marathons. I did keep alternating between my nails and teeth hurting my lip. Now it's a bit swollen and very obvious.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tomorrow Belongs To Me
SUCH. A. FUCKING. GOOD. MOOD.
122.6lbs.
YUHSSS.
I am just so happy about that, especially since I ate SO much on Sunday and didn't purge. Then I stayed up till the morning and ate more and FINALLY threw up. For the past 2 nights we've been having chicken and salad, it's dull as hell but sooo easy to purge with enough water.
Also since I have my nights and days reversed I wake up and just wait till 9 or 10pm so then I can purge everything and everyone will be asleep... Can't remember if I mentioned that before.
Oh yes, I never did tell about Soul Sister's, we actually did not get drunk or high, suprisingly. But we did get some percs and they are a high dose, super nice man.
Nothing else has been happening, unfortunately, although I am VERY glad that I'm losing.
122.6lbs.
YUHSSS.
I am just so happy about that, especially since I ate SO much on Sunday and didn't purge. Then I stayed up till the morning and ate more and FINALLY threw up. For the past 2 nights we've been having chicken and salad, it's dull as hell but sooo easy to purge with enough water.
Also since I have my nights and days reversed I wake up and just wait till 9 or 10pm so then I can purge everything and everyone will be asleep... Can't remember if I mentioned that before.
Oh yes, I never did tell about Soul Sister's, we actually did not get drunk or high, suprisingly. But we did get some percs and they are a high dose, super nice man.
Nothing else has been happening, unfortunately, although I am VERY glad that I'm losing.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Something Good To Show You
Today I get out of the house for the first time in a week, sleeping over my best friend/soul sister's house. I am so fuckiing glad, I miss her so much (We live in different states, but it's just a hour away).
And like any time together, we will get high/drunk. DAMN I love it.
But I had a stupid depression spell and cut myself recently. The cool thing about staying over her house is she and I are so comfortable around each other we sleep in our underwear. She knows about my cutting, but her family sure doesn't. And since it's pretty nice I usually wear shorts. Stupid me, cutting on my thigh, and pretty low on it too.
124.2lbs at the moment.
I wish I could have weigh myself at my usual time, as I like 24 hours or so to pass before weighing myself. Buuuuut I'll be at Soul Sister's by that time.
It's amazing, seeing that I binged crazily on Saturday, staying up till 4am talking to Russe on FaceBook. Then I was too afraid to go throw up (It takes me like a hour), fearing my Dad would get up to go to the gym soon. So I sat being so horribly obese.
So, Russe. The only down sides I can find about him is:
-He's a semi-scene kid. Doesn't dress it thoroughly, but ehhh.
-His favorite clothes are v-neck t-shirts and skinny jeans. WHO ELSE WEARS THAT CONSTANTLY??? Joe. Jonas. ewwwwwww. He looks nice in them, but hah, still a funny thing.
And next week he has vacation, so CHA-CHING, we are hanging out.
Not really looking forward to one thing at Soul Sister's: Food. I've actually been feeling really sick from drinking or eating anything these past 2 days, and I really don't want to accidentally throw up at her house (I did the first time I slept over, I just got sick from the food).
I also envy Soul Sister like MAD for being my height and weighing 98lbs.
ENVVVVVVVVYYYYYY
But I also like to eat over there as I make myself eat as much as her. It's so strange, I can tell what a correctly portioned meal is if I see it, but I can't do it myself. Now a days it's just don't eat until dinner (Lunch only if you MUST), binge till everyone is asleep, then purge. On my once in a blue moon days I fast and love every minute of it. And whenever I do keep food down it's always after a gut-busting binge. But when I keep down good portioned things (Like with friends, when I feel too ashamed to binge more) I barely gain.
And her family is almost always out, her brother is pretty out of the way and her parents work all day and when they are back we barely see them.
Every time staying over her house is like a mini adventure.
And like any time together, we will get high/drunk. DAMN I love it.
But I had a stupid depression spell and cut myself recently. The cool thing about staying over her house is she and I are so comfortable around each other we sleep in our underwear. She knows about my cutting, but her family sure doesn't. And since it's pretty nice I usually wear shorts. Stupid me, cutting on my thigh, and pretty low on it too.
124.2lbs at the moment.
I wish I could have weigh myself at my usual time, as I like 24 hours or so to pass before weighing myself. Buuuuut I'll be at Soul Sister's by that time.
It's amazing, seeing that I binged crazily on Saturday, staying up till 4am talking to Russe on FaceBook. Then I was too afraid to go throw up (It takes me like a hour), fearing my Dad would get up to go to the gym soon. So I sat being so horribly obese.
So, Russe. The only down sides I can find about him is:
-He's a semi-scene kid. Doesn't dress it thoroughly, but ehhh.
-His favorite clothes are v-neck t-shirts and skinny jeans. WHO ELSE WEARS THAT CONSTANTLY??? Joe. Jonas. ewwwwwww. He looks nice in them, but hah, still a funny thing.
And next week he has vacation, so CHA-CHING, we are hanging out.
Not really looking forward to one thing at Soul Sister's: Food. I've actually been feeling really sick from drinking or eating anything these past 2 days, and I really don't want to accidentally throw up at her house (I did the first time I slept over, I just got sick from the food).
I also envy Soul Sister like MAD for being my height and weighing 98lbs.
ENVVVVVVVVYYYYYY
But I also like to eat over there as I make myself eat as much as her. It's so strange, I can tell what a correctly portioned meal is if I see it, but I can't do it myself. Now a days it's just don't eat until dinner (Lunch only if you MUST), binge till everyone is asleep, then purge. On my once in a blue moon days I fast and love every minute of it. And whenever I do keep food down it's always after a gut-busting binge. But when I keep down good portioned things (Like with friends, when I feel too ashamed to binge more) I barely gain.
And her family is almost always out, her brother is pretty out of the way and her parents work all day and when they are back we barely see them.
Every time staying over her house is like a mini adventure.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Miss Invisible
Actually pretty happy today, but that's because yesterday I met a nice, cute, RUSSIAN boy, let's say Russe is his name.
If there is one thing I have a weakness for it's boys knowing differeft langugages.
Any who, what I did was just man the whole stand for the best wishes cards, then my Russian teacher brought one of her friends' son to help (As he had to get in community service hours for high school), and this, my friends, is how I met him. Throughout the whole show we didn't bother to go and watch it we just hung out in the lobby, listening to music and talking.
I have to say I'm very glad I like comics, scifi, and fantasy.
So I met a few of his friends who where in the show an dthey all gave him the thumbs up when they saw him with me.
Now Russe wants to see Iron Man 2 with me... Let's hope that actually happens.
I didn't eat anything yesterday, I had an ice coffee from Dunkins' that just had sugar (No milk because they messed up my order thankfully!), and a few sips of a Fresca.
Now I'm weighing in at 124.4lbs :)
If there is one thing I have a weakness for it's boys knowing differeft langugages.
Any who, what I did was just man the whole stand for the best wishes cards, then my Russian teacher brought one of her friends' son to help (As he had to get in community service hours for high school), and this, my friends, is how I met him. Throughout the whole show we didn't bother to go and watch it we just hung out in the lobby, listening to music and talking.
I have to say I'm very glad I like comics, scifi, and fantasy.
So I met a few of his friends who where in the show an dthey all gave him the thumbs up when they saw him with me.
Now Russe wants to see Iron Man 2 with me... Let's hope that actually happens.
I didn't eat anything yesterday, I had an ice coffee from Dunkins' that just had sugar (No milk because they messed up my order thankfully!), and a few sips of a Fresca.
Now I'm weighing in at 124.4lbs :)
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