Cooler Than Me

AH, finally had a moment to blog.

So I went on a sorta friend get together/this boy totes FUCKIN' BROUGHT ME ON A GODDAMN DATE. Seriously though, Clark Kent is like the most polite, chivalrous boy ever.

I am so glad that I'm on Adderall XR now, me and him went for lunch (I just want to seem like a normal girl, that there's nothing wrong with me ever), and I could only eat half of the sandwich, four chips, and a bite of the other half.

I'm at 122.5lbs right now, I feel so fucking good about that.

Set Yourself On Fire

My goodness, girls. I have been away for much too long.

I really have no idea why I've been away, I think it's just that I've been too wrapped up in life. Since I quit regular school, any kind of small activity that involves me going out of the house requires so much energy, but it's always been like that. Maybe I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, who knows?

I've finished my GED! It's such great news, but now I'm second guessing pretty much any choice about what to do next year. I'm leaning towards going to school part-time and doing beauty school. Or just go to school and then be a flight attendant after getting a degree in a language (Which means that I could do international flights, instead of staying in the country).

I don't know.

Freaking out over this.

Weight wise: I still keep going to the low 120's then I binge for a few days and get myself back to where I started. I know why (Scientifically and such), but I really have to fucking stop this shit.

Right now I'm at 127-128lbs after a 3 day binge on horrible foods.

Not only this, prom is on Friday, so this is now a time to see how much weight I can lose. That kid who's taking me, Clark Kent, has a serious case of Hover Hand (Look it up, trust me, it's hilarious). He's so super polite and he OPENS doors for me (Which I think is sorta weird, feminism happened but it's a nice gesture). I luckily am just like a geeky little boy, so we talk about Star Trek and all that good stuff. He also definitely seems to come from a rich family, he has a VERY nice car as proof.

Still, our personailties completely clash if you take out books and sci-fi/fantasy as our interests. I'm too quirky, loud, and not a "good girl", as far as drugs and such. And he already invited me to come with him to graduation parties with him, he just HAS to have a crush on me.

I WAS going to wear that Mila Kunis replica dress to prom, but now I can't as it was made in a way that it really can't be altered. So me and my mom went to the mall and got a dress for 30 bucks, pretty great deal, huh? I even got some super cute shoes that have ruffled, fabric flowers on the front. I'll post a picture of me in the whole ensemble, then you can finally see what I actually look like.

After prom I'm sleeping over Twirl's house with 3 other girls and this boy whom I used to be pretty good friends with in 7th grade (He left the school, and middle school is kinda a hard place to keep friendships), we'll just call him Paul Blart. I'm semi in charge of providing some pills, as we all have to bring some things.

Anyways, I need to go and get caught up on everyone's blog and exercise the hell out of myself for tomorrow.

Maybe This Time

Didn't dye eggs (I completely could have but I feel so horrible and I put my mom down for not having the dye kit we got, then I just couldn't go back and apologize), I feel like talking my feelings out more.

I think I'm having a reaction to these Adderall, after I take them they only work for about 1-2 hours (Which I know means I need my dosage adjusted), but afterwards I feel so absolutely numb and-not sad- but like breathing or getting out of bed is too much effort, almost depressed. It doesn't feel like a withdrawal, but like the stimulants were the only thing keeping me above the water, they definitely make me more socialble. I feel right on the edge of crying, seriously need to watch a sad movie or something right now to help it along.

This definitely sounds like I might have to get a new med if this depression (Which is one of the side effects, especially in people with some mood disorders) doesn't go away.

Damn, I'm really hoping for Vyvanse. This shit was CRAZY good. It worked for HOURS and never decrease over time on how effective it was, but that might have to do with the fact that the chick gave me 70mg ones.

Shock To The System

I looked through those papers more and found that (This was in 9th grade) I was diagnosed with:
Bipolar I (hich makes no sense as one of the BIG MUSTS is that you have delusions/hallucinations)- It would make more sense to have Type II or Rapid Cycling
Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia
OCD
ADHD
r/o EDNOS (WTF does r/o mean?)

This was before the hospital, where I was then diagnosed with Borderline (I know a lot of people with it and I really am not like them, but I could just have a mild case).

And in that report I found that my mom totally did find my thinspo journal (I know I'm not the only one who puts thinspo quotes/pictures in a book), I'm just shocked that she never confronts me about like anything... Must be how I got my passive-agressive non-confrontational attitude.

Right now I'm at 125.5lbs, thanks to a stupid Chinese binge last night.

There's open auditions for The Winter's Tale a few towns over, I think I might try out, seeing as you don't even need a monologue, just a cold reading. I'm brushing up on my Shakespeare this weekend, the audition is Monday.

OH! I forgot to tell you girls I got my prom dress, if anyone saw the Oscars' this year, I'm getting a rip-off one of Mila Kunis' purple one.

SOrry to make this short, I've got to dye eggs for tomorrow.

Animal

Yesterday I finally went to a new doctor. I haven't had one in a few months, seeing as my last one kicked me out for never coming to appointments, it's okay though she was a total bitch. This new doctor is a hollistic one, so no vaccines for me! My family all has super adverse reactions to vaccines (One, brother went deaf in one ear, one had seizures and became developmentally delayed [resulting in mild autism], and I had horrible ear aches, vomit, and run high fevers.

We also had to bring my medical records with me, that were mailed from my old doctors' office to us. My mom told me I could take out anything I wanted to and I immediately took out about half of it that either mentioned: Drugs, drug testing, general craziness, or my ED. Although I did leave a paper or two that said I'm Bipolar type 1 (Which makes no sense to me, as to have that I need to have delusions, hallucinations, and/or psychosis, none of which I've ever suffered from, I believe I'm actually type 2) that they diagnosed in 5th grade.

I believe I came off as a precocious, articulate, and friendly girl. I love this new doc because of the simple fact she listens to me and lets me bounce ideas off as to why this-or-that could be. I told her about my anxiety and ADHD, how I can deal with days when I'm not at school/outside and how I work myself in a manic state because of how anxious I can get...

This bitch is now the owner of Klonopin and Adderall prescriptions.

Effing amazing is all I can say.

I also talked with Twirl today about dance, we both are going to quit. The director keeps changing the choreography every week, and there's only around 5 more preactices or so. I just can't deal with the ever changing/not stable shit, especially since I'm mediocore at dance.

Dangerous Game

You could most definitely say I had a total moment of teen angst... So I took up Mich-styled drawing to express myself to my mom.

And change her wallpaper to this.

Ha.

Ha.

...Ha.

I have to say my drawing skills with a mouse have improved, especially since I can not navigate on my mom's Windows 7 (I use classic Windows, as I don't need nothin' fancy [I did find Paint after the fact]) I did find an awesome paint site though.

I just can not take the fact that my mom always tells me to stand up for myself, when she can't do the same.I would be able to just ignore her stupid talk, if it wasn't for the fact that she constantly has to complain about how others act all the time and "What she'd do in their/my position" when she won't do a fucking thing about her own life.

I had managed to get from 129-130lbs on Wednesday to 126lbs by Friday. Never under estimated the power on a girl on half a ritalin, 5 sudafeds, and 4 midol. I realize this will most likely reck my liver, and the rest of my body, in the long run. I simply don't care much anymore, especially since I've been this "hardcore" (Ugh I hate that term) since I was 12. Well that's what happens when you take your first Oxy in 6th grade, what a wild child I was/am.

Live fast, die hard.

Oh jeez, there's me sounding like a stupid bitch.

I also worked out while watching the first season of Kyle XY and Just One of The Boys.

Too bad I just threw it away last night, binging on cereal, chinese, a sandwich, fruit, yogurt, an omelet, and toast.

Disgusting.

All I can hope for is that I fast today, then my metabolism will jump start from the fasting and binging, so that I'll be back to 126lbs by Monday.

Misery

This is what I binge on. The Cookies n' Cream bunny I ate all today, as a B&P type thing. The cake is something that I got from my GED place, they run a foodbank there, and when they get too much of the same thing they need to throw it away or give it to someone, so they give the GED kids bags of food then. I took it home with some other things and just snuck it up to my room to have as my secret shame.

My goodness, I love to eat like a fat kid.

Don't ya'll just love my Disney Princess pillowcase? I also have a Hogwarts crest one as well.

Tomorrow I have school, which is now a reduced day, seeing as all I have to do now is just my math practice test and then take writing and math for real. Then Friday I have to go in (Even though I no longer have any classes to be done on Friday because the teacher wants me to go in to see this woman from the Art Institute come and talk.

I kinda don't want to be done, because then what the fuck else am I going to do with my time until like June? Once a week dance rehearsal. I really need a job which, when I finish my GED and get back teh results (Probably around 3 weeks), I can start applying for some actual good ones.

One thing the head woman for the modelling school said was that we need to expand our photo portfolio, and there are so many photography student on craigslist looking for models in exchange for the photos they take. My mom says that they're going to take naked photos and rape me (Seriously). I know craigslist has a lot of crazy shit going on, but the point is, one of my parents will drive me, and they definitely have to stay on set (Just like they do in profession shoots), so what's the big fucking deal?

Also, tomorrow is the day the kids are going to some grocery store to go and do a project of having ten minutes and a ten dollar budget to create a healthy meal. The head woman asked me to go, and I of course hate saying no to people, didn't disagree, but didn't agree either. I don't want to go at all because of this fact. I could care less about making a healthy meal, seeing as I either won't eat or eat anything I can get my hands on.

Then there's the fact that my mom has to babysit my niece tomorrow, as she does just about EVERY FUCKING DAY. This gets me so angry that my brother's wife pawns her kid on my mom, and by proxy myself, so she can go and work. And guess what? She only works so she can have money to spend, it's not even out of necessity. Then she and my brother complain how they have no money, yet my brother just bought a motorcycle and an electric scooter, and his wife goes out every week with her friends drinking and getting her nails done. They are also DEFINITELY on their way to becoming alcoholics, so imagine how much money they spend on booze. On top of this, they never give my mom a single cent, even though she feeds the kid. My mom also has to take out my old baby clothes (I was the only girl) and put them on the kid because my brother's wife can't even pack clothes for her for the day, then she take our toys and MY baby clothes (Whihc I want for MY kid) and doesn't give them back. She also has the nerve to say "Boohoo I can't do clutter, I can't even wash my own clothes because of all of the clutter in my basement". God, can she just admit she's a lazy little whore?

My mom wants to go see my grandma tomorrow because she's really sick and is being very much so abused by my crazy aunt who lives with her (And swe can't get her kicked out of my grandma's house, because the fucking legal system blows). The only thing is, my brother's wife is working tomorrow and can't find another babysitter (Of course she can't, because my mom is the only one who's willing to bend over backwards to do anything for her, even her sisters won't do shit unless there's something for them involved). We've also had to miss important doctors' appointments because of this bitch. If I complain about it in front of my brother he just says "Well it's not your house!", uh yes it actually is. Seeing as I'm underage I can't legally go anywhere else to live. It's not like I can just walk to the store (We live in the boonies), or even drive anywhere (I need more driving hours to go and take my driving test, but no one will practice with me). I am at the point where I am so stressed whenever I see the baby that I flip out/cry/get tension headaches because I am so tired of how this is.