Filming for the indie pilot/movie is done, and what a trip it was!
I seriously could not have asked for a better experience for my first time in the film industry.
My contract stated that I will be payed in no later than 30 days from filming, this has me in SUCH high spirits! I mean I love to act more than anything, but to be able to actually get paid to seems so foreign in concept. Now I'm most definitely getting paid $150 for it and, for only two nights of filming, it isn't bad at all. But I'm not sure if they'll count rehearsals as work days. If they do I'll be up $300 dollars instead, which is an even better deal.
It was really surreal when the cast was just hanging around during any free moment during the whole experience, maybe it's because I just about never associate with people outside of my own family: I got so many compliments. I kept getting called "Talented/Pretty/Smart/Cute/Adorable/etc." It was such a strong, steady flow that it really knocked me back.
I know that from an outside view I am some of those things, and sometimes I really do believe I am. Then there are just moments and spans of time that I can't see how a person could actually say a thing like that to me. I feel like there are people more deserving of those titles. I think it stems from when I was always over shadowed by my brothers or peers.
It's like this: I'm good at many things, but I do not believe I excel at anything. If that makes much sense.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Man Who Can't Be Moved
Thursday was a pretty rad day.
I had to go to a job counseling place for orientation at 9AM just to be told a rehearsed script and then making an appointment to actually get help with finding a job, friggin' August 19th. I now am going to have to wait for a pretty much meaningless thing, but I know it will put my parents in a better mood for some time.
Then came the shopping.
Not only did I finally get to use my "Free Undies" coupon at Victoria's Secret, but also the "$10 off Bra" one as well, and scoring a sweet free t-shirt as well.
But the good mood didn't end there: Me and mom went to JC Penney's, where there is always a few nice pieces to add to my wardrobe.
I ended up with the purchase of:
-Size 1 (!!!) skinny jeans (I never could wear REAL skinny jeans in a 1)
-4 undies from the clearance rack (I love when that happens)
-a SUPER adorable PJ set (Which has just the right amount of sexy/cute
I set unrealistic goals.
Constantly.
It's just who I am, I suppose.
So I thought I'd set myself a much more reachable goal for once, 110lbs by August 12th.
~All of that was written Friday, the 29th. I was going to post but I completely forgot.
I finally made a step towards my future, we sent in the admissions form for the esthetician program. I don't feel strongly about that being a career path, but my parents will not let me just take a year off... I think I just feel like this now because I'm a touch depressed, yet also because I don't want to grow up any more. I can only imagine myself in such a nondescript way when I think of the future: I can never see myself past being in my early to mid 20's, I of course will fantasize about having kids and a husband, or being on Broadway, or living in a foreign country. But fantasy is different that actually picturing truly what will happen.
Not much else in my pathetic life.
I went to my first rehearsal Sunday, me and the other two youngest (21 and 19) have a little clique, discussing video games, sci-fi, and the likes. But that's about all on that frontier.
Clark Kent asked me to go to an antique car show at some 1940's style diner on Saturday, I said yes. I don't know why I did, I mean it'd disappoint him if I didn't, but going with him on what he most definitely considers a date seems so bitchy and leading him on in general.
I don't like him romantically at all.
Maybe I want to see what it feels like to have someone's undivided attention.
Or maybe I want to pretend I'm a normal girl and not at all carrying too much baggage for that clueless boy to handle.
He's a nice, rich boy with a promising future, who -For some crazy fucking reason- has a crush on me.
I completely feel like I don't deserve him, not even his one-sided love.
I want to like him for the simple benefit of having someone who would love me so much, but I can't see him like that.
One day, I hope I can feel like I deserve good things. And believe it.
I had to go to a job counseling place for orientation at 9AM just to be told a rehearsed script and then making an appointment to actually get help with finding a job, friggin' August 19th. I now am going to have to wait for a pretty much meaningless thing, but I know it will put my parents in a better mood for some time.
Then came the shopping.
Not only did I finally get to use my "Free Undies" coupon at Victoria's Secret, but also the "$10 off Bra" one as well, and scoring a sweet free t-shirt as well.
But the good mood didn't end there: Me and mom went to JC Penney's, where there is always a few nice pieces to add to my wardrobe.
I ended up with the purchase of:
-Size 1 (!!!) skinny jeans (I never could wear REAL skinny jeans in a 1)
-4 undies from the clearance rack (I love when that happens)
-a SUPER adorable PJ set (Which has just the right amount of sexy/cute
I set unrealistic goals.
Constantly.
It's just who I am, I suppose.
So I thought I'd set myself a much more reachable goal for once, 110lbs by August 12th.
~All of that was written Friday, the 29th. I was going to post but I completely forgot.
I finally made a step towards my future, we sent in the admissions form for the esthetician program. I don't feel strongly about that being a career path, but my parents will not let me just take a year off... I think I just feel like this now because I'm a touch depressed, yet also because I don't want to grow up any more. I can only imagine myself in such a nondescript way when I think of the future: I can never see myself past being in my early to mid 20's, I of course will fantasize about having kids and a husband, or being on Broadway, or living in a foreign country. But fantasy is different that actually picturing truly what will happen.
Not much else in my pathetic life.
I went to my first rehearsal Sunday, me and the other two youngest (21 and 19) have a little clique, discussing video games, sci-fi, and the likes. But that's about all on that frontier.
Clark Kent asked me to go to an antique car show at some 1940's style diner on Saturday, I said yes. I don't know why I did, I mean it'd disappoint him if I didn't, but going with him on what he most definitely considers a date seems so bitchy and leading him on in general.
I don't like him romantically at all.
Maybe I want to see what it feels like to have someone's undivided attention.
Or maybe I want to pretend I'm a normal girl and not at all carrying too much baggage for that clueless boy to handle.
He's a nice, rich boy with a promising future, who -For some crazy fucking reason- has a crush on me.
I completely feel like I don't deserve him, not even his one-sided love.
I want to like him for the simple benefit of having someone who would love me so much, but I can't see him like that.
One day, I hope I can feel like I deserve good things. And believe it.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
So Many Little Things
My mom is getting more shifty about my eating: Yesterday morning she started a conversation with her saying "SO are you not eating anymore?" in that what's up with you/trying to, but failing, at being eloquent if you can't be subtle tone.
So then I had to play normal teenager and ask her to make me an omelet.
She left.
I binged.
I purged.
She came back at 7, I then passed off some aforementioned binge food as my dinner.
Then we went to a sale at a store (Me being pretty happy about trying on clothes with the fact that I'm an extra-small in Miss/Women and a small in juniors even in the sweatshirt sleeves: being that I have chunky arms), on the way back she kept pushing and pushing getting a drink or ice cream from any fast food place. It was getting to the point of me using a short and strong "No" at every point she talked.
I am relieved that I'll be 18 in 3 months, then I won't have as much forcing from my parents on much (But I bet they'll still be just as anxiety-causing about getting my license/finding what I want to do int the fall for school/get a job if you're going to be a fucking bitch).
Even if they threaten to kick me out (Which I want so badly, just to get the fuck out of here. I just have to save up enough money, or start a relationship with this guy who wants to do the same except he has actual money), I could care less.
But, I do have to be more careful though, I'm still underage for a bit and I would hate to go back to the psych ward or anything like that.
I also have the doctor's this coming Wednesday, any good weighing tips?
I'm already going to put batteries in my bra, wear heavier jewelry, and try to drink 2 bottles of water...
So then I had to play normal teenager and ask her to make me an omelet.
She left.
I binged.
I purged.
She came back at 7, I then passed off some aforementioned binge food as my dinner.
Then we went to a sale at a store (Me being pretty happy about trying on clothes with the fact that I'm an extra-small in Miss/Women and a small in juniors even in the sweatshirt sleeves: being that I have chunky arms), on the way back she kept pushing and pushing getting a drink or ice cream from any fast food place. It was getting to the point of me using a short and strong "No" at every point she talked.
I am relieved that I'll be 18 in 3 months, then I won't have as much forcing from my parents on much (But I bet they'll still be just as anxiety-causing about getting my license/finding what I want to do int the fall for school/get a job if you're going to be a fucking bitch).
Even if they threaten to kick me out (Which I want so badly, just to get the fuck out of here. I just have to save up enough money, or start a relationship with this guy who wants to do the same except he has actual money), I could care less.
But, I do have to be more careful though, I'm still underage for a bit and I would hate to go back to the psych ward or anything like that.
I also have the doctor's this coming Wednesday, any good weighing tips?
I'm already going to put batteries in my bra, wear heavier jewelry, and try to drink 2 bottles of water...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
In Our Bedroom After The War
Ew, ballooned up to 120lbs.
Although I know it's really because I go through starve/binge/purge combinations so regularly that it's such a shock to my system to have actual food in it stay. Resulting in me not having a ahem movement until I have an adderall (Which most certainly DOES stimulate me). It's almost all pretty much back up, considering I was 114lbs Thursday, pre-binge.
The ways an eating disorder can ruin one's body.
All in all, I really just need to wait this out, with a bit of self-control here and there.
Today is quite the eventful day for me: I'm going to the movies tonight with my brother, his fiancee (Such a sweetheart, damn I love her, I wish she was my real sibling), and the fiancee's brother to see Bad Teacher (I would much rather see Transformers or X-Men). FB (Fiancee's brother) is 15, so I'm not coming on to him, but I still have a need to dress up cutely. I believe it stems from me never going out/seeing real people, being social outside the confines of the internet is probably the best way to describe it. I'll bring my own drink in my purse, like my mother taught me :), it'll give me an excuse to not get calorie laden soda, and I can just always pass on food like I do when Clark Kent takes me to the movies.
I feel like going out shopping today, might just have to drag my mom out, when she wakes up that is. She and I were talking about going out dress shopping for aforementioned brother's wedding next July. I'm a unofficial bridesmaid (My brother already told me I am one, he just said to act surprised when his girl, Pinkie, asks me), so I'm set, but my mom needs a mother-of-the-groom dress. I suggested that it might be best to get it now, considering that places will have things in the summer palette/cut that will be best next year. The thing about my family is that we never really go to any specialty shops for shopping, we just go to the mall and department stores. The only time I've ever gotten anything fitted or hemmed is when I was in my older middle brother's wedding as a bridesmaid. A show of why I barely ever buy long dresses and how hard it is for me to find pants that don't need to be shortened.
The things one can get accomplished and/or feel like doing on medication before normal people wake up on Saturdays.
Right now I keep distracting myself with the fact that I have to plan out my outfit for the KISS concert I'm going to Tuesday. Then I have the Harry Potter midnight premiere Thursday, which I still have to find someone to go with me! I desperately need someone to go with, seeing that Twirl's away for a month (Family gathering in the South every summer and her dance program in Connecticut), agh gotta find someone...I might have to bribe my cousin.
I must ask this: Have you readers ever heard Stars? They're a pretty rad Canadian band, mainly indie, but with amazing orchestral/techno/rock/musical parts to them. It's really a trip to hear most of it! Try Calendar Girl/Tonight/In Our Bedroom After The War/The Night Starts Here/Your Ex-Lover Is Dead for starters. And if you're going to get an album I suggest Set Yourself On Fire or In Our Bedroom After The War. Seriously, go listen, it's worth it.
Although I know it's really because I go through starve/binge/purge combinations so regularly that it's such a shock to my system to have actual food in it stay. Resulting in me not having a ahem movement until I have an adderall (Which most certainly DOES stimulate me). It's almost all pretty much back up, considering I was 114lbs Thursday, pre-binge.
The ways an eating disorder can ruin one's body.
All in all, I really just need to wait this out, with a bit of self-control here and there.
Today is quite the eventful day for me: I'm going to the movies tonight with my brother, his fiancee (Such a sweetheart, damn I love her, I wish she was my real sibling), and the fiancee's brother to see Bad Teacher (I would much rather see Transformers or X-Men). FB (Fiancee's brother) is 15, so I'm not coming on to him, but I still have a need to dress up cutely. I believe it stems from me never going out/seeing real people, being social outside the confines of the internet is probably the best way to describe it. I'll bring my own drink in my purse, like my mother taught me :), it'll give me an excuse to not get calorie laden soda, and I can just always pass on food like I do when Clark Kent takes me to the movies.
I feel like going out shopping today, might just have to drag my mom out, when she wakes up that is. She and I were talking about going out dress shopping for aforementioned brother's wedding next July. I'm a unofficial bridesmaid (My brother already told me I am one, he just said to act surprised when his girl, Pinkie, asks me), so I'm set, but my mom needs a mother-of-the-groom dress. I suggested that it might be best to get it now, considering that places will have things in the summer palette/cut that will be best next year. The thing about my family is that we never really go to any specialty shops for shopping, we just go to the mall and department stores. The only time I've ever gotten anything fitted or hemmed is when I was in my older middle brother's wedding as a bridesmaid. A show of why I barely ever buy long dresses and how hard it is for me to find pants that don't need to be shortened.
The things one can get accomplished and/or feel like doing on medication before normal people wake up on Saturdays.
Right now I keep distracting myself with the fact that I have to plan out my outfit for the KISS concert I'm going to Tuesday. Then I have the Harry Potter midnight premiere Thursday, which I still have to find someone to go with me! I desperately need someone to go with, seeing that Twirl's away for a month (Family gathering in the South every summer and her dance program in Connecticut), agh gotta find someone...I might have to bribe my cousin.
I must ask this: Have you readers ever heard Stars? They're a pretty rad Canadian band, mainly indie, but with amazing orchestral/techno/rock/musical parts to them. It's really a trip to hear most of it! Try Calendar Girl/Tonight/In Our Bedroom After The War/The Night Starts Here/Your Ex-Lover Is Dead for starters. And if you're going to get an album I suggest Set Yourself On Fire or In Our Bedroom After The War. Seriously, go listen, it's worth it.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
International Rock Star
Biggest news in the DAMN WORLD: I'm gonna be in a indie TV pilot/movie! It's even paid, although it isn't much, it's enough for an actual breakout. I'm even going to have my own IMDB page!!!
I'm going to be playing a hippie barrister in a coffee shop, Cheers-type show. It's going to premiere at a film festival in New England- AND OHMIGOSH I'M GOING TO BE A REAL ACTRESS!
I'm going to be playing a hippie barrister in a coffee shop, Cheers-type show. It's going to premiere at a film festival in New England- AND OHMIGOSH I'M GOING TO BE A REAL ACTRESS!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Hair
Trying to decide if I want to get a bottom belly button piercing in addition to already having a top one..
Or should i just get my tragus(s) re-pierced (I had to take them out in October when I went to that RTC), I’ve been wanting to do that for awhile as well (I only have enough money for one though).
UGH, I just want to get a new something! New school year soon, either beauty school or Floral Design (Possibly actual college), and I just want some type of thing to differentiate myself from “little girl” me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Talk You Down
You know you're having a breakdown when your mom buys you a laptop stand and you burst out crying because you don't have room for it... It's just an all over bad day, and this is pissing me off beyond belief/more than it should.
-I have no plans for this year
-I have barely any friends
-My brothers don't want anything to do with me, they never do
-I pretty much am never going to do anything in life
-I really need to get away from my family, they contribute way to much to the toxicity of my disorders
-I just really need to get high
I'm trying with all of my self control not to cut, as it will be so fucking hard to cover up in this weather. At the very least I would like to smash my head/arms again a wall a few times to calm me down enough, but that's kind of hard with my dad in the house.
My mom not being here makes it even more clear how co-dependent I am. I hate that my parents made me like this. I hate it. It's so hard to stand up for myself, even to talk to people on the phone. I get afraid of being anywhere by myself, even places I know.
I really don't get how I'll ever be able to live past 20, at the very least.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
-I have no plans for this year
-I have barely any friends
-My brothers don't want anything to do with me, they never do
-I pretty much am never going to do anything in life
-I really need to get away from my family, they contribute way to much to the toxicity of my disorders
-I just really need to get high
I'm trying with all of my self control not to cut, as it will be so fucking hard to cover up in this weather. At the very least I would like to smash my head/arms again a wall a few times to calm me down enough, but that's kind of hard with my dad in the house.
My mom not being here makes it even more clear how co-dependent I am. I hate that my parents made me like this. I hate it. It's so hard to stand up for myself, even to talk to people on the phone. I get afraid of being anywhere by myself, even places I know.
I really don't get how I'll ever be able to live past 20, at the very least.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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