Maybe This Time

Didn't dye eggs (I completely could have but I feel so horrible and I put my mom down for not having the dye kit we got, then I just couldn't go back and apologize), I feel like talking my feelings out more.

I think I'm having a reaction to these Adderall, after I take them they only work for about 1-2 hours (Which I know means I need my dosage adjusted), but afterwards I feel so absolutely numb and-not sad- but like breathing or getting out of bed is too much effort, almost depressed. It doesn't feel like a withdrawal, but like the stimulants were the only thing keeping me above the water, they definitely make me more socialble. I feel right on the edge of crying, seriously need to watch a sad movie or something right now to help it along.

This definitely sounds like I might have to get a new med if this depression (Which is one of the side effects, especially in people with some mood disorders) doesn't go away.

Damn, I'm really hoping for Vyvanse. This shit was CRAZY good. It worked for HOURS and never decrease over time on how effective it was, but that might have to do with the fact that the chick gave me 70mg ones.

Shock To The System

I looked through those papers more and found that (This was in 9th grade) I was diagnosed with:
Bipolar I (hich makes no sense as one of the BIG MUSTS is that you have delusions/hallucinations)- It would make more sense to have Type II or Rapid Cycling
Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia
OCD
ADHD
r/o EDNOS (WTF does r/o mean?)

This was before the hospital, where I was then diagnosed with Borderline (I know a lot of people with it and I really am not like them, but I could just have a mild case).

And in that report I found that my mom totally did find my thinspo journal (I know I'm not the only one who puts thinspo quotes/pictures in a book), I'm just shocked that she never confronts me about like anything... Must be how I got my passive-agressive non-confrontational attitude.

Right now I'm at 125.5lbs, thanks to a stupid Chinese binge last night.

There's open auditions for The Winter's Tale a few towns over, I think I might try out, seeing as you don't even need a monologue, just a cold reading. I'm brushing up on my Shakespeare this weekend, the audition is Monday.

OH! I forgot to tell you girls I got my prom dress, if anyone saw the Oscars' this year, I'm getting a rip-off one of Mila Kunis' purple one.

SOrry to make this short, I've got to dye eggs for tomorrow.

Animal

Yesterday I finally went to a new doctor. I haven't had one in a few months, seeing as my last one kicked me out for never coming to appointments, it's okay though she was a total bitch. This new doctor is a hollistic one, so no vaccines for me! My family all has super adverse reactions to vaccines (One, brother went deaf in one ear, one had seizures and became developmentally delayed [resulting in mild autism], and I had horrible ear aches, vomit, and run high fevers.

We also had to bring my medical records with me, that were mailed from my old doctors' office to us. My mom told me I could take out anything I wanted to and I immediately took out about half of it that either mentioned: Drugs, drug testing, general craziness, or my ED. Although I did leave a paper or two that said I'm Bipolar type 1 (Which makes no sense to me, as to have that I need to have delusions, hallucinations, and/or psychosis, none of which I've ever suffered from, I believe I'm actually type 2) that they diagnosed in 5th grade.

I believe I came off as a precocious, articulate, and friendly girl. I love this new doc because of the simple fact she listens to me and lets me bounce ideas off as to why this-or-that could be. I told her about my anxiety and ADHD, how I can deal with days when I'm not at school/outside and how I work myself in a manic state because of how anxious I can get...

This bitch is now the owner of Klonopin and Adderall prescriptions.

Effing amazing is all I can say.

I also talked with Twirl today about dance, we both are going to quit. The director keeps changing the choreography every week, and there's only around 5 more preactices or so. I just can't deal with the ever changing/not stable shit, especially since I'm mediocore at dance.

Dangerous Game

You could most definitely say I had a total moment of teen angst... So I took up Mich-styled drawing to express myself to my mom.

And change her wallpaper to this.

Ha.

Ha.

...Ha.

I have to say my drawing skills with a mouse have improved, especially since I can not navigate on my mom's Windows 7 (I use classic Windows, as I don't need nothin' fancy [I did find Paint after the fact]) I did find an awesome paint site though.

I just can not take the fact that my mom always tells me to stand up for myself, when she can't do the same.I would be able to just ignore her stupid talk, if it wasn't for the fact that she constantly has to complain about how others act all the time and "What she'd do in their/my position" when she won't do a fucking thing about her own life.

I had managed to get from 129-130lbs on Wednesday to 126lbs by Friday. Never under estimated the power on a girl on half a ritalin, 5 sudafeds, and 4 midol. I realize this will most likely reck my liver, and the rest of my body, in the long run. I simply don't care much anymore, especially since I've been this "hardcore" (Ugh I hate that term) since I was 12. Well that's what happens when you take your first Oxy in 6th grade, what a wild child I was/am.

Live fast, die hard.

Oh jeez, there's me sounding like a stupid bitch.

I also worked out while watching the first season of Kyle XY and Just One of The Boys.

Too bad I just threw it away last night, binging on cereal, chinese, a sandwich, fruit, yogurt, an omelet, and toast.

Disgusting.

All I can hope for is that I fast today, then my metabolism will jump start from the fasting and binging, so that I'll be back to 126lbs by Monday.