Misery

This is what I binge on. The Cookies n' Cream bunny I ate all today, as a B&P type thing. The cake is something that I got from my GED place, they run a foodbank there, and when they get too much of the same thing they need to throw it away or give it to someone, so they give the GED kids bags of food then. I took it home with some other things and just snuck it up to my room to have as my secret shame.

My goodness, I love to eat like a fat kid.

Don't ya'll just love my Disney Princess pillowcase? I also have a Hogwarts crest one as well.

Tomorrow I have school, which is now a reduced day, seeing as all I have to do now is just my math practice test and then take writing and math for real. Then Friday I have to go in (Even though I no longer have any classes to be done on Friday because the teacher wants me to go in to see this woman from the Art Institute come and talk.

I kinda don't want to be done, because then what the fuck else am I going to do with my time until like June? Once a week dance rehearsal. I really need a job which, when I finish my GED and get back teh results (Probably around 3 weeks), I can start applying for some actual good ones.

One thing the head woman for the modelling school said was that we need to expand our photo portfolio, and there are so many photography student on craigslist looking for models in exchange for the photos they take. My mom says that they're going to take naked photos and rape me (Seriously). I know craigslist has a lot of crazy shit going on, but the point is, one of my parents will drive me, and they definitely have to stay on set (Just like they do in profession shoots), so what's the big fucking deal?

Also, tomorrow is the day the kids are going to some grocery store to go and do a project of having ten minutes and a ten dollar budget to create a healthy meal. The head woman asked me to go, and I of course hate saying no to people, didn't disagree, but didn't agree either. I don't want to go at all because of this fact. I could care less about making a healthy meal, seeing as I either won't eat or eat anything I can get my hands on.

Then there's the fact that my mom has to babysit my niece tomorrow, as she does just about EVERY FUCKING DAY. This gets me so angry that my brother's wife pawns her kid on my mom, and by proxy myself, so she can go and work. And guess what? She only works so she can have money to spend, it's not even out of necessity. Then she and my brother complain how they have no money, yet my brother just bought a motorcycle and an electric scooter, and his wife goes out every week with her friends drinking and getting her nails done. They are also DEFINITELY on their way to becoming alcoholics, so imagine how much money they spend on booze. On top of this, they never give my mom a single cent, even though she feeds the kid. My mom also has to take out my old baby clothes (I was the only girl) and put them on the kid because my brother's wife can't even pack clothes for her for the day, then she take our toys and MY baby clothes (Whihc I want for MY kid) and doesn't give them back. She also has the nerve to say "Boohoo I can't do clutter, I can't even wash my own clothes because of all of the clutter in my basement". God, can she just admit she's a lazy little whore?

My mom wants to go see my grandma tomorrow because she's really sick and is being very much so abused by my crazy aunt who lives with her (And swe can't get her kicked out of my grandma's house, because the fucking legal system blows). The only thing is, my brother's wife is working tomorrow and can't find another babysitter (Of course she can't, because my mom is the only one who's willing to bend over backwards to do anything for her, even her sisters won't do shit unless there's something for them involved). We've also had to miss important doctors' appointments because of this bitch. If I complain about it in front of my brother he just says "Well it's not your house!", uh yes it actually is. Seeing as I'm underage I can't legally go anywhere else to live. It's not like I can just walk to the store (We live in the boonies), or even drive anywhere (I need more driving hours to go and take my driving test, but no one will practice with me). I am at the point where I am so stressed whenever I see the baby that I flip out/cry/get tension headaches because I am so tired of how this is.

The Point of It All

Something absolutely amazing happened.

I made it.

Out of 400+ girls they took 60, I was one of them.

In June, I'll be going to a showcase (Where you can win prizes/scholarships to go on to do a bigger showcase) where there will be 20+ agents and managers from the Boston area, New York, Los Angeles, and Europe. This also includes Broadway and modelling representatives.

I might be able to actually make my dream a reality, without having to give it up because I want to be realistic and pessimistic.

Oh my god, girls.

I have to really, REALLY commit to getting skinny. And lose my red hair, as they said it was too much. I'll miss that so much, but I've been thinking of it for some time.

More importantly, I can show my talent for singing, or if I want, dancing.

I just can't believe it.

White Houses

I've actually found an actress that I sorta look like, if anyone has seen the US version of Being Human, I look a tad like Rebecca. At the beginning of the season, when her hair was WAY red and she had a bit more bold bangs (I happen to have both of). Although she has more of a sharp, angular face. I inherited the flat, roundish face from my Polish ancestry (For some reason, I always get asked if I'm part asian. It makes sense when you see the bone structure resemblance between eastern europeans and asians). My face is mostly heart-shaped, but with chubbyish cheeks, kind of Reenee Zielweiger, except without the whole scrunch face (Think a bit more Pre-Raphaelite).

Well tomorrow is a day for anxiety: I have a commercial casting call.

I've been taking uppers (Which hopefully-yeah right-My mom won't notice are missing. This is all in the hopes to help me lose a pound or 2, so I don't look so horrible. I have to make up and memorize a 15 second commercial as well. I, of course, have not started yet. I'm thinking of maybe saying a PSA, as they are pretty straight forward, and I can sneak in some dramtic acting there. But I'm afraid I won't have enough range in it. Oh god, I am so nervous. Any ideas??

I also am going to prom again this year with Twirl. She REALLY wants me to go with this one kid, since he's a senior and wants a date so badly. I remember him from when I went to the middle school thhere and he was Dicken, when I was Colin, in the Secret Garden musical. He's a bit proper, old fashioned, if you will. He's a bit quirky, doesn't have many guy friends, and not any girls who see him in "that way". Twirl said that he asked one of his friends to prom (She's a pretty, nice girl. At this school there's not much popularity, yet there are those who are persued) and she turned him down. Twirl will owe me big time if I do decide to go with him, especially since she requested me to make his night awesome and just give him a quick peck. That's no problem for me, hell I just *like* kissing people, BUT I'm afraid this could be leading him on.

Perks to going with him:
He dresses Clark Kentish (Just like 50's in general), so I could finally have the chance to get a swing prom dress.
He'd probably be a hell of a lot more mature than, for example, Russe The Booty Caller (Who still keeps booty calling me, and I hate it, but at the same time I have absolutely no self esteem and he really loves to compliment me).

This is all if Twirl can't get some cute boy, one of her friends or her little love interest/prom date's friends. She already wants us (Her, Clark Kent, and myself) to have a get together, I'm still holding out for a hottie.

I feel so juvenile writing that, but I feel that your teen years are a time to let yourself be self-centered and narcisisstic. It's the time where looks are a hell of a lot more important and where nothing is certain. And sure, I've done quite a bit of risky, decidedly more *adult* things. But I've really never had a relationship. I had a boyfriend for a week in 8th grade. then I've had two girlfriends around that time as well, but they were more like "best-friends-with-benefits-let's-fool-around-with-anyone-else-we-want". There have been bites at my proverbial fishing line, but they're guys, that frankly, are not in my league, and not even intellectual. What I mean by not in my league, is that I may not be THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, I don't think I am boarish.

I have my disordered mind, which makes me very critical and think I'm super ugly, etc...

Then there's my normal perspective, I can definitely say I'm pretty, I have an hourglass figure, nice sized boobs (I like it when they're big and small, they're still good either way), and a Kim Kardashian-type ass.

That doesn't mean that I think I'm the hottest chick in the world, but I can realize that in the real world I'm probably a 7-8ish, more towards a 7 though.

The guys who usually persue me are around the 5-7 range. While some might have a small thing in common with me (A love of Star Trek and other really geeky things), there's not much else there. They always get enamoured with me because I'm nice, quirky, and just different from most girls. Then there tends to be some kind of tension because they think this makes me instantly in their range and "OMG-YOU-TEASE-WHY-ARE-YOU-SO-STUCK-UP" tends to occur. I'm not trying to make myself seem amazing or anything, this is seriously just what happens. I tend to have more in common, and an easier time fitting in, with kids a bit higher on the social ladder. The thing is, I usually am more of a one night stand with them. I feel there would be more better/variety of people when I get out of New England, or at least the more redneck/country part.

I really need to apply to more than just community colleges so I can get the fuck out.

Putting It Together

I've just been having a hectic week, suffering from blogger withdrawals. You see, when I don't go on here, I don't keep myself on track, which means I binge like a rabid dog.

Yesterday I noticed we got a HUGE jug of fat-free milk (My mom absolutely loathes fat-free, my dad is always on a "diet", called being-a-fat-ass-yet-pretending-to-diet). I have always wanted to try the infamous milk diet, now here comes a time to put it into effect.

This Time

I've been dreading having to report to you girls how I've been doing.

Let's recap:
Saturday things were looking up, I was 121lbs and went to Twirl's house, which lead to one of her friends driving us to Soul Sister's.
Resulting in us smoking pot.
I was doing so fucking well, then SS dad brought Pizza and FRIES! Like WTF FRIES AND PIZZA?!

I also found out SS is 115lbs, so definite thing to shoot for. She and I have always been just about the same height and I've always been super jealous of how skinny she is. Fear not though, since being on birth control she got so much fatter (But still at a healthy weight, seeing as she used to be 98lbs).

Sunday I just felt horrible with how bad I was at dancing.

This whole week has just been me stuffing my face as much as possible and not purging.

Leading me to weigh in at 126.8lbs.

What am I doing to myself?

I did some damage control 2 hours ago, so hopefully no more eating tonight.

I also just seemed to realize that I have just about no friends, justa few that I see every few weeks-months. How the fuck do you make friends??? I seriously seem to suck at that skill, seeing as I have virtually none. But like where do normal teenagers meet friends when they really don't get out. I know that most find there's in high school, but seeing as I don't go, I'm at a loss.

Fools Like Me

I have been having a horrible week.

Not only having I been binging like SUCH a fat ass, but I've ballooned up from 121lbs on monday to 124.4lbs.

Disgusting.

Tomorrow is my niece's birthday and my sister-in-law's mom invited just about EVERYONE from their family, even though they only have room for maybe 13 people. We aren't even having anyone from our extended family, AND there's already 23 people coming now.

I'm also sleeping over Twirl's house after, so then the next day we can go to rehearsal together. I'm just hoping I'm not 125lbs by sunday, because taht's what I was back whenI auditioned. I'm hoping for 122-123lbs by then.

Ordinary Day

'Tis a sad day when you have to choose between:

1. Two beautiful dresses, a sweater, and thick, black leggings.

2. A crazy cool Harry Potter necklaces at FAO Schwarz (Mich, OMG, I still wish I was at an acceptable age to buy the toys at FAO Scwarz. That place gets me every time.)

3. Drugs.

I unfortunately choose the clothes, BUT still have 35 dollars left over. Still have no connections for drugs though. It's times like these where I hate not having my liscense and not being able to just sneak over to Soul Sister's house. I really want to go up to one of the countless druggies in my GED class but I have such anxiety about talking to people.

I need some drugs! With this sunday being my first rehearsal for the ballet, drugs are a must. Have you ever tried ballet without drugs? it blows, it fucking sucks. Downers are great to aid in not caring about what the dance teacher/other dancers might think. They make me dance for me, without the added pressure, and they also are great for being able to take criticism and not cry. Then I also have SATs coming up in May and I need uppers for that to help study and stay up (Because when I'm anxious I can't sleep, then I end up crashing) without being exhausted.

To make things even worse I have to do a college little intro seminar thingy for my ASL major. Now this makes me so GODDAMN axious because of the fact I'll have no one to cling to (Such as a friend or my parents). I have to do this on my own to establish that I am going into college (No more parents calling teachers/principals), and have to start being independent. My parents don't seem to get how cripplingly scary it is and how it makes me want to just have a breakdown.

And if things can get even worse, I ate like a pig this weekend. I'm having my last ritalin to help boost my metabolism and keep me active today. I'm hoping that all of that walking pays off. How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying was AH-MAZING! Daniel Radcliffe put on an American accent and was just so adorable, AND definitely is a Triple Threat (For those who don't do theatre, a Triple Threat means that the person can dance, sing, and act).

Right now I should be writing this essay that should have been done around 2 weeks ago, I can't get started on it. Writing is so hard for me if it's a forced topic, especially essays. As soon as I can get going though, I really do sound quite smart at it.

Just listening to Vanessa Carlton on repeat (My childhood), and avoiding a weigh-in until I get home from class.