I know I know, I keep saying I'll start the ABC diet, but shit just keeps coming up. Wherein I HAVE to keep up appearances.
This weekend though was great, my fucking disease ridden niece came over thursday (Why can't my dumb-as-shit sister-in-law just NOT lie about her kid being sick???) and by saturday our WHOLE family is in bed with a horrible stomach bug. Now this has made it possible for me to not eat for the whole weekend. I finally passed my weight plateau of 127lbs, I feel so great.
This morning I was making a fake bowl of cereal because my mom wasn't around and I wanted to show her I ate. It's strange how easily it is to get back into my super restrictive period again.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Getaways Turned Holidays
Yesterday I said I was going to start the ABC diet, I didn't.
I fasted like a champ.
And it was very hard, especially with the fact I got offered cookies twice at practice (I have such a paranoia of people assuming/knowing I have an ED). But I was teeming with energy from the drugs. When we got home my mom completely forgot that I hadn't eaten, so I went unpstairs and crashed.
I still haven't eaten yet, it's almost 7pm, and my Dad is going off to a town meeting thing (He's part of the budget commitee), and my mom is off getting my glasses fixed after MONTHS of not being able to wear them. Seriously I've been wearing a pair I have from 2 years ago because no one would get and/or bring me to get the lense replaced. This morning I thought I had lost them so I complained, since I haven't had any new ones from this back-up pair since 7th grade. So my mom is FINALLY at the mall doing it for me. But I just found my old ones and feel guilty for having her get them, then I think I SHOULD have had them months ago!
Now the only thing is, should I break my fast or should I just keep on it until tomorrow?
The second day of a fast is when I am ALWAYS the most hungry. I would just love to binge right now, it is so hard to break the habit of binging, which leads to purging.
In other news, the stimulants, combined with the fasting, put me at 127lbs today, sucess!
There's two cute boys in my GED class and it makes me even more obsessive about my weight. One, we'll call Blue, is very much a kid your parents wouldn't want you to date, he's a probationee and dresses very much in that stupid gangster style that annoys the shit out of me. But we do talk a lot about movies (He's the only one in our class who has also seen Mad Max) and is just generally fun to converse with. he's also the one I have the largest possibility of being with. Then there's this really cute boy who is only in on Thursday, math day, because he just needs to pass that test and another one. We'll say he's Farm Boy, he is my least likely, but he's SO cute.
I fasted like a champ.
And it was very hard, especially with the fact I got offered cookies twice at practice (I have such a paranoia of people assuming/knowing I have an ED). But I was teeming with energy from the drugs. When we got home my mom completely forgot that I hadn't eaten, so I went unpstairs and crashed.
I still haven't eaten yet, it's almost 7pm, and my Dad is going off to a town meeting thing (He's part of the budget commitee), and my mom is off getting my glasses fixed after MONTHS of not being able to wear them. Seriously I've been wearing a pair I have from 2 years ago because no one would get and/or bring me to get the lense replaced. This morning I thought I had lost them so I complained, since I haven't had any new ones from this back-up pair since 7th grade. So my mom is FINALLY at the mall doing it for me. But I just found my old ones and feel guilty for having her get them, then I think I SHOULD have had them months ago!
Now the only thing is, should I break my fast or should I just keep on it until tomorrow?
The second day of a fast is when I am ALWAYS the most hungry. I would just love to binge right now, it is so hard to break the habit of binging, which leads to purging.
In other news, the stimulants, combined with the fasting, put me at 127lbs today, sucess!
There's two cute boys in my GED class and it makes me even more obsessive about my weight. One, we'll call Blue, is very much a kid your parents wouldn't want you to date, he's a probationee and dresses very much in that stupid gangster style that annoys the shit out of me. But we do talk a lot about movies (He's the only one in our class who has also seen Mad Max) and is just generally fun to converse with. he's also the one I have the largest possibility of being with. Then there's this really cute boy who is only in on Thursday, math day, because he just needs to pass that test and another one. We'll say he's Farm Boy, he is my least likely, but he's SO cute.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
All I Ever Wanted
I had a complete revelation this morning at 4am, not sleeping of course. I realized that the only time I really ever got so fucking skinny was when I was restricting, only purging the bare essentials. Even then it was maybe a few times a week. Definitely no what I've been doing for just about FOREVER.
Here's a play by play:
1. Not eat until around 4pm-9pmish (When ever it is that my family will make me eat)
2. Have my meal or two of the day
3. Keep binging until around 1am, take a shower and purge then
No wonder I don't lose weight and keep gaining and losing the same 4lbs!
The thing is, it is just about impossible for me to eat a normal meal without binging. So now I've decided to go on the ABC diet, after reading all of the rave reviews.
I am determined right now, buzzing with energy after consuming 2 ritalins and 2 midols. I really do hope I can manage it.
These are the rules:
1. Workout on one Wii dance game (I dance until I sweat like crazy on those, I love to dance) at least 3 times a week, with a minimum of 30 minutes.
2. Avoid binge situations at all costs!!!!
3. RECORD RECORD RECORD calories in AND out!
4. Motivate with thinspo books, blogs, movies, pictures, and music AT LEAST once a day
5. Commit to blogging about my ED again, everyone else finds time, I can too
What's really pushing me is that at the end of February my parents and me are going to New York, to see How To Suceed in Business Without Really Trying (AKA Daniel Radcliffe's newest starring role!), and I really want to look nice, I'm aiming for 115lbs, so 34 days... This is gonna be tough.
I am just so tired I being fat and dumpy, trying on all my clothes to find out what will look the least hideous. Of having these horrible size 7 pants in my drawers, right next to my old size 0 (So fucking shameful). I miss the days when I would put on a size 3 and have a fat day, now I live in skirts and leggings because then I can put size 7 in the back of my mind.
Sometimes I really don't mind being curvy. I have a natural hourglass shape, complete with very big boobs, 34D, thanks to the gain. But then I just think I wish I could be a bit thinner, just the regular weight for my height even, I'd be beautiful. I don't want to be stickish like most ED girls, I actually LIKE my curves, I just want to be small.
I really gained the weight when I quite ballet, I used to hover at 115lbs, now I maintain at 130lbs or so.
I am disgusted to even admit that.
I just spent quite a bit of time writing out every calorie allowance of the day until March on a pocket calendar, with a list of safe foods and ways to aid in weight loss.
Today I have Vagina Monologues rehearsal, it's almost time for our show. It's so hypocitical of me, to be a feminist then go and throw up my guts superficially.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
You Haven't Seen the Last of Me
Soul Sister wants me to spend the night at her house Friday, my mother isn't so keen on the idea. She thinks Soul Sister is going to give me drugs, and she's a bad influence, blah blah blah... IF I WASN'T SO GODDAMN FUCKED UP FROM MY MOTHER, IF MAYBE WHEN I FIRST STARTED CUTTING BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIND OF ATTENTION, YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.
Instead, she just says how much of a fuck up I am and never takes any credit for the fact she helped me along to be like this. I was the youngest kid, a girl none the less, over shadowed by my brothers who always needed help in school, who had fights, one used to go to the psych ward a lot. Then there was me, the quiet little daughter who always wanted to please, yet seemed to fuck up at every oppourtunity.
Then I found out about cutting in 4th grade, the fucking thrill of it, the thought of how I COULD get attention, could get my parents to not treat me like one of my brothers.. Next in 7th grade, a girl I was friends with mentioned how she had to lose weight before the weekend because she was meeting a boy she liked. Something just clicked in me. I had already tried this out a bit in 6th grade, threw up a few times, no much else.
But this time it was different. I had already been binge eating for awhile, covering all of my feelings, my loneliness, with food. Gaining pound after pound, going from a size 2 to a 4.
Shortly after was April vacation, The day before I had to go back I ate a box of chocolates, I felt so sick, I went upstairs and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was a revolution. In that week I lost 5lbs, I had never felt so powerful.
I first had tried drugs (My first was Oxy), in 6th grade, it just went on from there, they helped me dull my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. No one pushed me onto them, I took my first pills from my father. I didn't do it to fit in, I wanted to feel better. I never once became addicted, there was always precautions I set up, putting days between my uses.
All of this caused me to definitly become the problem child, the one my parents spent the most time on. Being the daghter also made me the one they want to restrict the most, not letting me be over peoples' house unless there's a parent, much less a boy's.
Now All I want to do is go over Soul Sister's, trade my downers for her uppers, and try H for the first time. I want to mostly go there for downers, to get my weight down again, but I've always wanted to try H. Get it off my bucket list at the least.
I'm just so tired of my parents putting rules and regulations on me, when they're the ones who fly off the handle, who PUSH me to just want to die. Just waiting until October, I'll be 18 and hopefully in college. The GED people want me to be pulled out of the main group and get me through it faster, I'm too precocious for the other kids I guess.
All I'm hoping for is that my mother will back the fuck off and just let me go to SS's.
Instead, she just says how much of a fuck up I am and never takes any credit for the fact she helped me along to be like this. I was the youngest kid, a girl none the less, over shadowed by my brothers who always needed help in school, who had fights, one used to go to the psych ward a lot. Then there was me, the quiet little daughter who always wanted to please, yet seemed to fuck up at every oppourtunity.
Then I found out about cutting in 4th grade, the fucking thrill of it, the thought of how I COULD get attention, could get my parents to not treat me like one of my brothers.. Next in 7th grade, a girl I was friends with mentioned how she had to lose weight before the weekend because she was meeting a boy she liked. Something just clicked in me. I had already tried this out a bit in 6th grade, threw up a few times, no much else.
But this time it was different. I had already been binge eating for awhile, covering all of my feelings, my loneliness, with food. Gaining pound after pound, going from a size 2 to a 4.
Shortly after was April vacation, The day before I had to go back I ate a box of chocolates, I felt so sick, I went upstairs and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was a revolution. In that week I lost 5lbs, I had never felt so powerful.
I first had tried drugs (My first was Oxy), in 6th grade, it just went on from there, they helped me dull my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. No one pushed me onto them, I took my first pills from my father. I didn't do it to fit in, I wanted to feel better. I never once became addicted, there was always precautions I set up, putting days between my uses.
All of this caused me to definitly become the problem child, the one my parents spent the most time on. Being the daghter also made me the one they want to restrict the most, not letting me be over peoples' house unless there's a parent, much less a boy's.
Now All I want to do is go over Soul Sister's, trade my downers for her uppers, and try H for the first time. I want to mostly go there for downers, to get my weight down again, but I've always wanted to try H. Get it off my bucket list at the least.
I'm just so tired of my parents putting rules and regulations on me, when they're the ones who fly off the handle, who PUSH me to just want to die. Just waiting until October, I'll be 18 and hopefully in college. The GED people want me to be pulled out of the main group and get me through it faster, I'm too precocious for the other kids I guess.
All I'm hoping for is that my mother will back the fuck off and just let me go to SS's.
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