Yesterday was horrible foodwise, 2 sandwiches, a shake, beef jerky, maple candy and a chocolate covered strawberry.
Since it was prom I danced my ass off, only good plus.
Now tonight I'm sleeping over Soul Sister's and going to a beach party. Now I'm not really a popular person and my aprents are just finally letting me do things (They are control freaks), so I've never really been to parties.
The great thign about parties that Soul Sister goes to is that they always have alcohol involved, I am getting drunk.
I have such bad coordination when I'm drunk though, I can't focus my eyes correctly and I stumble quite badly. I also cuddle a lot.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Will You Be Me?
Play-by-play of the past days:
Friday: I was 118.6lbs. Then I ate at 7pm but took forever to purge, fell asleep but I did drag myself to do it at 2 or 3am.
Saturday: Didn't get to weigh-in, had to leave and go driving with my Dad (In prep for my Drivers' Ed next month). After driving I felt quite sick, I have really bad car sickness, so my Dad was like "Aw hell, let's go to Dennys'". He's overweight even with working out at the gym as much as he does, and it would disappoint him nto NOT go because we never spend time together. I had an All American Slam and 2 apple juices.
We then got a quad-toaster (It's realy freakin' awesome, and I have always wanted one of these) as ours broke over a week ago. Got chicken food for our chickens and then got 2 packages of gummy candy. My mom made dinner and I had to eat it (Steak stir-fry).
My brother (I'll call him Craigslist, as he spends all his time on it) came by and we had a physical fight. The start of the aforementioned fight? My dog was lying on the kitchen floor right next to my feet and I hit her stomach by accident. Of course then Craigslist has to goad me by saying I hurt her on purpose and kept saying that, teasing me, and frankly just pissing me off more and more. So I charged at him, trying to choke him and we briefly wrestled ending with his hand around my throat and my nails digging into his arm painfully so. It's got broken apart and I went to my room. I then had no way of throwing up so I (This seems to be happening a lot) fell asleep.
Intake:
Breakfast- All American Slam (700 estimating as I didn't eat the whole thing), 2 apple juices (182)
2 packs of gummies (380)
Dinner- Steak stir-fry (Around 500)
=1,762
Disgusting.
I have not eaten anything so far. I haven't even gone out of my room because I'm still mad that my parents did nothing to stop my brother from shutting his fucking mouth yesterday, but what's new. That's one thing that I've always hated about my family, my parents don't intervene when my brothers get too mean, then they wonder why I flip out. But I can never be mean to my brothers to defend myself, my Mom will jump on that quickly.
They also treat me totally different from my brothers besides being over protective. In high school my brothers had their girlfriend sleepover (In their beds with them!) at one point or another. And one of them even lived with us in the summer when she was in college.
Could that ever happen for me? No.
They don't even like me go over girls' houses if they're lesbians (That's Mom's part though). It's like they think the girls will turn me gay or (For guys as well) that all we are going to do is have sex. Seriously.
That's enough whining for today. In other news I'm going to prom again. My friend Twirl invited me to her prom (I went there last year with my guy friend), she didn't get a date even though she's really pretty and skinny. Most of the reason is because she's so shy, unconfident, and she has no boobs. The last she gets teased about all the time, I feel bad for her for that.
Now I have to find a dress, I was thinking a short white one as they look so chic and classy.
Friday: I was 118.6lbs. Then I ate at 7pm but took forever to purge, fell asleep but I did drag myself to do it at 2 or 3am.
Saturday: Didn't get to weigh-in, had to leave and go driving with my Dad (In prep for my Drivers' Ed next month). After driving I felt quite sick, I have really bad car sickness, so my Dad was like "Aw hell, let's go to Dennys'". He's overweight even with working out at the gym as much as he does, and it would disappoint him nto NOT go because we never spend time together. I had an All American Slam and 2 apple juices.
We then got a quad-toaster (It's realy freakin' awesome, and I have always wanted one of these) as ours broke over a week ago. Got chicken food for our chickens and then got 2 packages of gummy candy. My mom made dinner and I had to eat it (Steak stir-fry).
My brother (I'll call him Craigslist, as he spends all his time on it) came by and we had a physical fight. The start of the aforementioned fight? My dog was lying on the kitchen floor right next to my feet and I hit her stomach by accident. Of course then Craigslist has to goad me by saying I hurt her on purpose and kept saying that, teasing me, and frankly just pissing me off more and more. So I charged at him, trying to choke him and we briefly wrestled ending with his hand around my throat and my nails digging into his arm painfully so. It's got broken apart and I went to my room. I then had no way of throwing up so I (This seems to be happening a lot) fell asleep.
Intake:
Breakfast- All American Slam (700 estimating as I didn't eat the whole thing), 2 apple juices (182)
2 packs of gummies (380)
Dinner- Steak stir-fry (Around 500)
=1,762
Disgusting.
I have not eaten anything so far. I haven't even gone out of my room because I'm still mad that my parents did nothing to stop my brother from shutting his fucking mouth yesterday, but what's new. That's one thing that I've always hated about my family, my parents don't intervene when my brothers get too mean, then they wonder why I flip out. But I can never be mean to my brothers to defend myself, my Mom will jump on that quickly.
They also treat me totally different from my brothers besides being over protective. In high school my brothers had their girlfriend sleepover (In their beds with them!) at one point or another. And one of them even lived with us in the summer when she was in college.
Could that ever happen for me? No.
They don't even like me go over girls' houses if they're lesbians (That's Mom's part though). It's like they think the girls will turn me gay or (For guys as well) that all we are going to do is have sex. Seriously.
That's enough whining for today. In other news I'm going to prom again. My friend Twirl invited me to her prom (I went there last year with my guy friend), she didn't get a date even though she's really pretty and skinny. Most of the reason is because she's so shy, unconfident, and she has no boobs. The last she gets teased about all the time, I feel bad for her for that.
Now I have to find a dress, I was thinking a short white one as they look so chic and classy.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Agree to Disagree
Oh damn.
Mom is going to be out till around 2pm, bringing my Dad to the hospital and such (Routine thing he has to get done, as he has a neck problem).
SO easy to binge, and I feel it coming on so easily, even though I just binged and purged a few hours ago. Ugh, and I just chewed through all my gum because I was trying to stop a binge.
Luckily I had all the pizza last night so it's not available today.
Weighing in at 119.6lbs.
Pure happiness.
I am just so GLAD, I need this, to be thin again. But whenever I get thinner I always binge so bad.
Crossing my fingers that it'll turn out well.
Mom is going to be out till around 2pm, bringing my Dad to the hospital and such (Routine thing he has to get done, as he has a neck problem).
SO easy to binge, and I feel it coming on so easily, even though I just binged and purged a few hours ago. Ugh, and I just chewed through all my gum because I was trying to stop a binge.
Luckily I had all the pizza last night so it's not available today.
Weighing in at 119.6lbs.
Pure happiness.
I am just so GLAD, I need this, to be thin again. But whenever I get thinner I always binge so bad.
Crossing my fingers that it'll turn out well.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Things You See In A Graveyard
Okay, this is definitely going to be a rant post. After reading:
http://wintergirlinthemaking.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-blame-dance.html
Really good blog by the way, but this was one of the things that just irks me so much. I always hated seeing the token "fat" little girls at dance, the sweet kids who just have a bit of puppy fat. And sometimes I'd hear them saying things about weight and I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just feel so bad that kids know weight and calories and are so conscious, especially in a dance setting.
But the blame falls completely on the 2 main teachers there, especially the owner who would say flat out "You're fat, lose weight". Some of the girls (Read that as the younger ones, around 12), that were still nice before they got bitchy, would feel bad as well and talk about how that would cause issues with food. Sometimes I could understand with the teacher, I mean yeah, some people do need to lose weight, especially if you want the best parts and wear the old itty bitty costumes. Then on the other hand when she'd say it to me and some others I'd just bite my lip so then I wouldn't flip out.
Aaannnnddd, end scene.
Onto to my weight, 120.6lbs, I'm just so glad I didn't go up. I know it's because my mom brought home this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pizza (One food I would live off of if I could) and I, of course, ate it. Luckily I convinced my Mom to go out to the grocery store so I could purge. Ohhhhhh God that pizza is good, they use really big slices and they have huge toppings and make just amazingness.
http://wintergirlinthemaking.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-blame-dance.html
Really good blog by the way, but this was one of the things that just irks me so much. I always hated seeing the token "fat" little girls at dance, the sweet kids who just have a bit of puppy fat. And sometimes I'd hear them saying things about weight and I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just feel so bad that kids know weight and calories and are so conscious, especially in a dance setting.
But the blame falls completely on the 2 main teachers there, especially the owner who would say flat out "You're fat, lose weight". Some of the girls (Read that as the younger ones, around 12), that were still nice before they got bitchy, would feel bad as well and talk about how that would cause issues with food. Sometimes I could understand with the teacher, I mean yeah, some people do need to lose weight, especially if you want the best parts and wear the old itty bitty costumes. Then on the other hand when she'd say it to me and some others I'd just bite my lip so then I wouldn't flip out.
Aaannnnddd, end scene.
Onto to my weight, 120.6lbs, I'm just so glad I didn't go up. I know it's because my mom brought home this AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING pizza (One food I would live off of if I could) and I, of course, ate it. Luckily I convinced my Mom to go out to the grocery store so I could purge. Ohhhhhh God that pizza is good, they use really big slices and they have huge toppings and make just amazingness.
21st Century Cure
I love before and after photos, those are my favorite pro-ana things.
Anyways, I woke up with a horrible backache, which meant:
A) My period will show soon, or
B) I totally have to change my underwear because it looks like a battlefield.
Well it was B, so then I went downstairs to get a tampon, lo' and behold! It's been quite a few days since I've weighed in.
... I was so fucking scared because I thought I'd be retaining water and weigh so much.
120.6lbs.
What.
The.
Fuck.
Um, hello?! Elated is the first thing that comes to mind. I haven't been this light since before October, when I got admitted I even stayed at this weight the whole week (Pretty amazing considering that I was eating 3 square meals a day and not exercising).
Even still I went and binged a bit, purged after. I would have not fasted but Saturday we are going to see Jesus Christ Superstar and I lose energy in the second day of fasting and I want to fast for as long as possible Saturday, because we always go out to eat when we see things in the city.
And right before I went to sleep yesterday I was feeling so depressed, I wanted to cut so so so bad, but it was the kind of depressed where you just feel like laying in bed catatonically and watch Law and Order: SVU marathons. I did keep alternating between my nails and teeth hurting my lip. Now it's a bit swollen and very obvious.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)