Why do the holidays make us fat? I always just get so caught up with them that I don't have any time to throw up and then I'm so tired.
Fuckin' Easter.
That's where it all went wrong. Luckily now though I have been staying up all night and sleeping all day, which is realy the best thing in the world. I always eat too much during the day because my mom pressures me to it. Now it's more like I sleep till 9pm (Or just stay in my room and pretend to) and come down and eat. Then I just wait till mom goes to sleep so I can stop being paranoid and throw up.
At the moment I am 127.2 lbs, I feel very shitty by that, that it took this long to lose whatever it was. I was too afraid to weigh myself.
Tomorrow is huge, my old russian teacher asked me to help her with this fashion show fundraiser for breast cancer. It's just the rehearsal and all I do is run the little best wishes cards to the "models". So hopefully there's some thinspo there, and not a lot of fat chicks.
She's one of those people who I really want to present myself for. Like I want her to be proud, just like what I'd try to do with my old dance teacher.
So what should I wear? I'm totally stressing about what to wear for the rehearsal and the actual night. I know I should be more casual than most of the people there, since i'm only going to be behind the scenes really.
This is what I was thinking for the show:
Dark wash green skinny jeans (The only skinny jeans that I've ever looked nice-ish in)
Black tank top
My blue converse or my white and black Ozzy converse
Pretty gypsy necklace I made
And some bracelets
That's my pretty outfit that isn't slutty like my other clothes. But I am not sure at all what to wear for rehearsal.
My fashion sense has been changing recently. Since 5th grade I've went from Goth/Punk>Punk>Cyndi Lauper-esque>Whatever I felt like>Gypsy-esque with a touch of glam. My newest one is more of that chick from Gossip Girls (I've never seen it or read it but I found an article about how she dresses and I LOVE IT).
Also it's pretty hot here, for being New England, I'm surprised. And guess who just happened to have a depression spell and cut themselves... so I'm really gonna pile on the bracelets.
So now I gotta work out as much as possible for tomorrow and for the 11th. BUt now I've been feeling very sick the past 2 days whenever I eat and just before I fall asleep, so that's gonna help.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Lucy At The Gym
I feel rejuvenated. Even though I haven't slept in about 36 hours, I am just wired.
So this is what happened:
Cleaned room a bit to burn of some extra cals.
Around 2:30pm took a vyvanse. Those things are so potent, even though I know how long I was on it before, it was still amazing.
I felt like running around but I'm the couch potato so it's kinda hard for me to pass it off as a normal experience, and my mom's friends were over *gag*.
Stayed in my bed playing on the computer and singing to Terra Naomi songs ALL day, like I mean seriously, From 3pm to 11pm.
And the best accomplishment, I did not eat ANYTHING, those fuckers suppress your appetite so much that I threw away my dinner, and spit out the mango piece mom gave me, I said it was too ripe and acidy.
So all I consumed today was:
Water
Less than 2 cans of Diet 7-Up
3 Sugar-less Jolly Ranchers (30 cal.)
30 CALORIES!!!!
Now for my weight, 125lbs! Now that I've gotten down to this, I'm now at my 1st goal.
So this is what happened:
Cleaned room a bit to burn of some extra cals.
Around 2:30pm took a vyvanse. Those things are so potent, even though I know how long I was on it before, it was still amazing.
I felt like running around but I'm the couch potato so it's kinda hard for me to pass it off as a normal experience, and my mom's friends were over *gag*.
Stayed in my bed playing on the computer and singing to Terra Naomi songs ALL day, like I mean seriously, From 3pm to 11pm.
And the best accomplishment, I did not eat ANYTHING, those fuckers suppress your appetite so much that I threw away my dinner, and spit out the mango piece mom gave me, I said it was too ripe and acidy.
So all I consumed today was:
Water
Less than 2 cans of Diet 7-Up
3 Sugar-less Jolly Ranchers (30 cal.)
30 CALORIES!!!!
Now for my weight, 125lbs! Now that I've gotten down to this, I'm now at my 1st goal.
The Vicodin Song
I am determined like a fucker.
I have not slept yet.
So I'm gonna do what I always did to lose weight when I was in this mind set:
fast and when I do eat purge it directly after. That's what happened when I was at my lowest.
Also I have obtained some connies, add that to my 3 vyvanse, and you got appetite supressants for quite a while when used at the utmost needed time.
I miss being around 105lbs and it was so fucking hard to fall asleep on my stomach without putting something under my hips so then they wouldn't dig into the matress. I WILL get there. I am so fucking wanting it at the moment.
Weighed myself yesterday, 128.8lbs, I am so glad this is going down.
Then, I ate:
3 1/2 enchiladas
4 dollops of sour cream
few hersheys' kisses
2 bowls of fruit salad
Purged:
Only a bit of the fruit salad, most of it was acidy though, so it really digested.
So I was watching the 4 hour Judy Garland movie on Oxygen and I realized, my life is a real lot like her's, except for the whole spot-light thing. Not like those stupid broadway hopefuls who say "AH I like looove Judy Garland, I feel like exactly like her, even though I come from a great family and have perfect friends and look absolutely perfect!" I'm more like her in the lines of her presonal life, and her psyche.
Ah well, I'll definitely do better today, I know it.
And a side note, if anyone is actually reading my blog, listen to "The Vicodin Song" by Terra Naomi. It's amaaaaaazing.
Is anyone reading it?
I have not slept yet.
So I'm gonna do what I always did to lose weight when I was in this mind set:
fast and when I do eat purge it directly after. That's what happened when I was at my lowest.
Also I have obtained some connies, add that to my 3 vyvanse, and you got appetite supressants for quite a while when used at the utmost needed time.
I miss being around 105lbs and it was so fucking hard to fall asleep on my stomach without putting something under my hips so then they wouldn't dig into the matress. I WILL get there. I am so fucking wanting it at the moment.
Weighed myself yesterday, 128.8lbs, I am so glad this is going down.
Then, I ate:
3 1/2 enchiladas
4 dollops of sour cream
few hersheys' kisses
2 bowls of fruit salad
Purged:
Only a bit of the fruit salad, most of it was acidy though, so it really digested.
So I was watching the 4 hour Judy Garland movie on Oxygen and I realized, my life is a real lot like her's, except for the whole spot-light thing. Not like those stupid broadway hopefuls who say "AH I like looove Judy Garland, I feel like exactly like her, even though I come from a great family and have perfect friends and look absolutely perfect!" I'm more like her in the lines of her presonal life, and her psyche.
Ah well, I'll definitely do better today, I know it.
And a side note, if anyone is actually reading my blog, listen to "The Vicodin Song" by Terra Naomi. It's amaaaaaazing.
Is anyone reading it?
Monday, March 22, 2010
It Won't Be Long Now
WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND FOUND THEIR SCALE?!
This chick, that's who.
Seems that when my mother switched around the bathroom closet she just jiggled the scale more into it's crevice. Although now i feel like a huge failure.
130.2, but I got out of the shower so my hair was quite wet and I had put on my lotion. No excuse though, I AM a pig.
Two shrink appointments back to back in a few hours, seeing how it's 3am and they start at 10am. Fuck, I'm so tired of 'delving' into my psyche. The first one is a psychiatrist for meds, so at least there's a bright side. I want my Klonopin! But the sencond is my talk session, I really don't want to. Maybe I can say I don't feel like it and we could do a stupid game or something.
Last week we just starting talkiing about my cutting, so fuck he might want to more.
This chick, that's who.
Seems that when my mother switched around the bathroom closet she just jiggled the scale more into it's crevice. Although now i feel like a huge failure.
130.2, but I got out of the shower so my hair was quite wet and I had put on my lotion. No excuse though, I AM a pig.
Two shrink appointments back to back in a few hours, seeing how it's 3am and they start at 10am. Fuck, I'm so tired of 'delving' into my psyche. The first one is a psychiatrist for meds, so at least there's a bright side. I want my Klonopin! But the sencond is my talk session, I really don't want to. Maybe I can say I don't feel like it and we could do a stupid game or something.
Last week we just starting talkiing about my cutting, so fuck he might want to more.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The World is Pretty Upside Down
Hah, been QUITE a while. It's been.. ordered chaos here.
Also I'm going to be in 9th grade again next year, damn. I just stopped going to school at the beginning of March. I feel like such a loser for that but at least I'll be 18 in less than 2 years. Then I can FINALLY take my fucking GED and get the fuck out of my house.
One of the reasons I stopped going to school was because of their accusations from the drug bust.
Like really, if I had Oxy I wouldn't sell it, I'd take it.
My brother is now a father as of a week ago, the baby's name is Valerie. I'm kinda pissed about the name though. Let me just say I am one of those people who absolutely hate their teenage years and just desperately want to have a husband and kids, I have a huge maternal/nurturing instinct. Anyways, the reason I hate that they named the baby Valerie is because I really loved the Russian name Valeria, and the name Valeris. I think this calls for a lists of names that I like:
-Valentina (Valya)
-Galina (Galya)
-Amneris
-Lucia
-Romulus
-Remi (For a girl)
-Remus (for a boy and then have it be Remy)
-Amadine
-Freya
-Skuld
-Verdandi
As it is seen, I have an obsession with Norse, Russian, French, and Egyptian names.
Now to get on with weight, I AM GOING SO FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY. I've been doing pretty good the past week or so, and I can definitrly tell I'm losing.
I don't got no scale though. My mother found it in the downstairs bathroom closet, and just like her, she never said anything about it. I know the she took it but she just didn't question me about it at all.
I'm a frequent gum chewer, because if I'm not chewing it I'm biting my lipsor licking them. But now I finally got my Invisalign braces in (Clear trays that snap on your teeth and slowly move them into place) and one of the things is is that you can't chew gum. You're only supposed to have them out for 2 hours a day max, so I'd rather not take them out to chew gum. So now I have a bag of sugar-free candy that I suck on occasionally.
Another thing, my parents made me go to a theRAPIST again, I usually can't deal with them past one session but my dad let me get my nosed pierced if I went, so now yay, I got a cute nose piercing.
Also I'm going to be in 9th grade again next year, damn. I just stopped going to school at the beginning of March. I feel like such a loser for that but at least I'll be 18 in less than 2 years. Then I can FINALLY take my fucking GED and get the fuck out of my house.
One of the reasons I stopped going to school was because of their accusations from the drug bust.
Like really, if I had Oxy I wouldn't sell it, I'd take it.
My brother is now a father as of a week ago, the baby's name is Valerie. I'm kinda pissed about the name though. Let me just say I am one of those people who absolutely hate their teenage years and just desperately want to have a husband and kids, I have a huge maternal/nurturing instinct. Anyways, the reason I hate that they named the baby Valerie is because I really loved the Russian name Valeria, and the name Valeris. I think this calls for a lists of names that I like:
-Valentina (Valya)
-Galina (Galya)
-Amneris
-Lucia
-Romulus
-Remi (For a girl)
-Remus (for a boy and then have it be Remy)
-Amadine
-Freya
-Skuld
-Verdandi
As it is seen, I have an obsession with Norse, Russian, French, and Egyptian names.
Now to get on with weight, I AM GOING SO FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY. I've been doing pretty good the past week or so, and I can definitrly tell I'm losing.
I don't got no scale though. My mother found it in the downstairs bathroom closet, and just like her, she never said anything about it. I know the she took it but she just didn't question me about it at all.
I'm a frequent gum chewer, because if I'm not chewing it I'm biting my lipsor licking them. But now I finally got my Invisalign braces in (Clear trays that snap on your teeth and slowly move them into place) and one of the things is is that you can't chew gum. You're only supposed to have them out for 2 hours a day max, so I'd rather not take them out to chew gum. So now I have a bag of sugar-free candy that I suck on occasionally.
Another thing, my parents made me go to a theRAPIST again, I usually can't deal with them past one session but my dad let me get my nosed pierced if I went, so now yay, I got a cute nose piercing.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Just Breathe
WORST. DAY. EVER.
Let me give a bit of the back story, yesterday I didn't go to school because I had a sore throat and I went to the doctor's. Then I go on to the computer to find out that there was a drug search. LEMME SAY, GOOD THING I DIDN'T GO IN. So, I find out 3 kids got busted, 1 was expelled and 2 just got suspended.
Today was fucked. During first period they came and brought me to the principal's office to search my bag and my jacket and sweatshirt (Which they took off of me, luckily I managed to get my arm to my side so they wouldn't see. They couldn't find anything, of course.
Later on, they called me in again and had the truant officer talk to me, to scare me I believe since they couldn't prove anything. When my mom picks me up from school she says that they told her:
-A few people have told the principal they're concerned, and the principal believes it's true because the people that told her were my friends. Although I don't have any and the only people I can think of (Stuck-Up) who are friends with a lot of other druggies. So I can only assume that they just want to get me in trouble.
-They told my parents that I had a wrapped package in my bag, my mother supplied that it must be Halls (Because of my sore throat), they agreed. It was a GUM PACK that I didn't open. But what I don't understand is that they doon't even know what it was but they just were looking for a way to get me in trouble.
Those were the main points... I'm just surprised with how hard they pursued it when all they have is verbal hearsay and, it just seems liek alll they want to do is get me caught. To get me expelled or something. Like What did I do to them?
Now my weight... Ugh I don't even want to list it, but it's around 125lbs. I am such a fucking fat ass, I feel so gross.
Let me give a bit of the back story, yesterday I didn't go to school because I had a sore throat and I went to the doctor's. Then I go on to the computer to find out that there was a drug search. LEMME SAY, GOOD THING I DIDN'T GO IN. So, I find out 3 kids got busted, 1 was expelled and 2 just got suspended.
Today was fucked. During first period they came and brought me to the principal's office to search my bag and my jacket and sweatshirt (Which they took off of me, luckily I managed to get my arm to my side so they wouldn't see. They couldn't find anything, of course.
Later on, they called me in again and had the truant officer talk to me, to scare me I believe since they couldn't prove anything. When my mom picks me up from school she says that they told her:
-A few people have told the principal they're concerned, and the principal believes it's true because the people that told her were my friends. Although I don't have any and the only people I can think of (Stuck-Up) who are friends with a lot of other druggies. So I can only assume that they just want to get me in trouble.
-They told my parents that I had a wrapped package in my bag, my mother supplied that it must be Halls (Because of my sore throat), they agreed. It was a GUM PACK that I didn't open. But what I don't understand is that they doon't even know what it was but they just were looking for a way to get me in trouble.
Those were the main points... I'm just surprised with how hard they pursued it when all they have is verbal hearsay and, it just seems liek alll they want to do is get me caught. To get me expelled or something. Like What did I do to them?
Now my weight... Ugh I don't even want to list it, but it's around 125lbs. I am such a fucking fat ass, I feel so gross.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Law and Order
It's really been really weird these past few weeks, I can't throw up... It's like I'll binge to my heart's content and I'll go to the bathroom and I just can't. I feel like my body and mind are betraying me.
I AM SO FAT.
I've also been eating and just not worrying about my weight, and getting neutral about food in my stomach, but then all I can think about is the feeling of food in them, stretching and coursing calories through my body. It's disgusting.
But my friend, let's call her Crystal, traded somw candy with me. I now own Vyvanse. I took it at school on friday and it was CA-RAZY! I was bouncing in my seat abd taking notes like a pro. Then when I got home I cleaned my room none stop from 4pm till 1am. I didn't eat anything that day besides a piece of cake thet I had to during social studies (It was so grossly sugar-filled, I luckily threw out a lot of the icing. At least I cleaned off quite a few calories (About 2000!), but the next day I was SO SORE.
Also yesterday I bought some XTC from Crystal... It wasn't that great because I like uppers and it was a molly laced with heroin.
And now my favorite brother (Who's in the airforce) says that I can come live with him for a few weeks this summer, it is so fucking hot there (Think of a state with a desert). And I have a skin sensitivity so I burn really bad in the sun, but with him it's all about going to the gym and he'll be out during the day at work so I can do whatever. Also he has parties all the time and he's really lax and will let me have a bit to drink (Then he has sooooooo much alcohol so I can just sneak more).
I hate that I can't throw up anymore, but I still have 5 Vyvanse to keep me from eating and to burn off that fat! I believe I'm still in the high 120's because of how my leggings fit. It's okay though I can do it!
I AM SO FAT.
I've also been eating and just not worrying about my weight, and getting neutral about food in my stomach, but then all I can think about is the feeling of food in them, stretching and coursing calories through my body. It's disgusting.
But my friend, let's call her Crystal, traded somw candy with me. I now own Vyvanse. I took it at school on friday and it was CA-RAZY! I was bouncing in my seat abd taking notes like a pro. Then when I got home I cleaned my room none stop from 4pm till 1am. I didn't eat anything that day besides a piece of cake thet I had to during social studies (It was so grossly sugar-filled, I luckily threw out a lot of the icing. At least I cleaned off quite a few calories (About 2000!), but the next day I was SO SORE.
Also yesterday I bought some XTC from Crystal... It wasn't that great because I like uppers and it was a molly laced with heroin.
And now my favorite brother (Who's in the airforce) says that I can come live with him for a few weeks this summer, it is so fucking hot there (Think of a state with a desert). And I have a skin sensitivity so I burn really bad in the sun, but with him it's all about going to the gym and he'll be out during the day at work so I can do whatever. Also he has parties all the time and he's really lax and will let me have a bit to drink (Then he has sooooooo much alcohol so I can just sneak more).
I hate that I can't throw up anymore, but I still have 5 Vyvanse to keep me from eating and to burn off that fat! I believe I'm still in the high 120's because of how my leggings fit. It's okay though I can do it!
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